Before I begin telling you my story of how I ended up in the slammer, there are several things I want to make perfectly clear.   I really do love my family, but honestly there are some times when they  refuse to listen to my side of the story.   Also, I think you need to know that Gretchen is not the great detective she thinks she is!  I know for a fact  she will do anything for a biscuit & besides she loves getting me into trouble!

I guess I will start telling you about Mommy's dolly.  It used to sit in the highchair in the kitchen right next to the door.  Now, let me explain to you that the stupid old doll would try to kick me with her legs every time I wanted to go out the door.  I really did get tired of hearing  Mommy  talk about how pretty that dumb old doll was.  She  was always watching me with her evil eyes & I just knew she  was going to attack me one day.  I got tired of her taunting me & I guess I just  got a little carried away.  I never dreamed anyone would notice she was gone!

Now, about  my fuzzy, brown teddy bear.  He was very soft & cuddly.  I would squeeze him until my chops were sore & he never ever squeaked.  It wasn't the fact that he didn't make any noise that got to me.  It was his giant nose & I really didn't want him nosing  around in my personal  business (like Gretchen does).  I solved the problem for him by removing his stupid old nose.

That guy called "Santa" gave me some toys last Christmas.  I liked the reindeer ok, but his nose just didn't fit his personality so I took it off for him.  Now as for that skunk, the only reason I pulled all of his stuffing out was I  once heard they smelled awful.  I was just checking out the facts for myself.

I was sure the purple bunny that Santa gave me was listening to everything Gretchen was telling my parents, so I had to try take his ears off (one snitch in the family is enough!)  

It was absolutely necessary for me to remove the eye from the little bear Mommy used to keep on her nightstand.  Every time I woke up in the morning he was staring at me & I did not like that.  I suppose I could have left his nose on, but by now you know I do not want anyone nosing around in my business.

I really do have a good excuse for tearing up those funny "net" things my mommy used to keep on her bathtub.  I HATE getting baths & I just knew daddy was going to start scrubbing me with them - They Had To Be Destroyed!  I don't think Daddy was very happy when Mommy informed him perhaps he should start buying them by the truckload!

 Mommy insists that Gretchen & I wear seat belts in the car.  I HATE them because I can't even jump around & look out the windows.  I can do absolutely nothing but sit there & get very bored!  I  got mad this one day & chewed through mine - I just wanted to jump up in the front seat & kiss Mommy.  I knew I was in deep trouble though when Mommy called Daddy at his office & screamed "you owe me a seat belt - you can get it at Pets Mart" & then slammed down the phone.

I vowed not to chew through my seat belt ever again, because Mommy was so mad & Daddy had to buy another seat belt for me.  What finally led to my incarceration was just another little misunderstanding.  We were on our way to our cabin in Mommy's car & I just knew Gretchen would appreciate it if I chewed off her seatbelt for her.  Honestly, all I was trying to do was help her  be more comfortable!  But, it's like  I said earlier sometimes my family just won't listen to my side of things!