Subject:

Subject: Mad scientists perfect ultimate pet

Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 17:39:23 -0800

From: fire ant collective <fire_ant@deltanet.com>

Organization: Delta Internet Services, Anaheim, CA

Newsgroups: alt.discordia, alt.drunken.bastards, alt.surrealism, alt.slack

AP Mar 11, 1997

During a series of secret experiments in a hidden base near

cuidad de croatan, Costa Rica, enslaved Keebler Elves working on behalf

of the infamous terrorist organization known as the "Down 'Home' All -

City Bomb Squad, #23rd Ward ALL Stars", have produced a strange three

legged creature which is being touted as 'the ultimate pet'.

Also known as the barstool, because it looks exactly like a

small bar stool and is made of wood, it was created using top secret genetic

engineering techniques acquired through corporate espionage obtained by the

terrorist group during a daring daylight raid in 1994. According to government

spokesmen, armed fanatics raided the main corporate offices of Global

Leviathan Industries near Langley, Virginia in the raid, during which

they kidnapped the famous and widely loved Keebler Elves, actually

wizened Nazi war criminal-scientists left over from world war II, and a

billion dollar cray 9000 computer, all of which was loaded onto

helecopters and transfered into a giant yellow submarine off shore.

Until today the group had remained underground.

This afternoon the 'Bomb Squad' sent a press release to AP news,

along with a sample of one of the creatures which was siezed by government

authorties but not before it displayed it's remarkable characteristics.

Quite simply, the 'Barstool', a mute, shy creature, lives on a diet of

bottle caps, roaches, cigarette buts, beer cans, and pizza crusts, and

excretes five dollar bills, martini olives, and clean dishes. According

to the terrorists, the creature represents "slack for everybody" and the

prelude to world peace.

Representatives of GLI were adamant that all the creatures, which

reproduce by cloning, should immediately be destroyed. "To be frank, if

these things are allowed to spread, we will have the government destroy

the entire planet with our orbital Strategic Defense Laser systems,

Therefore it is in everyones interest to kill them on sight." GLI

executives said that the 'barstools' can be broken apart with an Axe, and

then burned, but the persistant terrorist group has already released a

second press statement claiming preperations of 'barstools' with self

defense capabilities, including camoflage.

Drifter "Bob" reporting for AP ('Anarchist Press') news