LETTERS TO DOBBSTOWN

--------------------

Dear Timmy,

Your mother and I were surprised to hear that you had

dropped out of law school. We wish you could have called

to let us know. We called your girlfriend, Debbi, and she

said that you had gone to a place called "Dobbstown,"

somewhere either in Malaysia, Guyana, or the South Pacific.

Are you in trouble? You know that your uncles' law firm

can bail you out of just about any legal problem you get

into.

Money still talks, and all that, you know.

Please send a letter or call. You know how your mother

worries about you.

Your Old Man

P.S. I asked your roommate to forward this.

***

Dear Timothy,

We cannot seem to find this "Dobbstown" place on any

atlas. We and the police have been going through your

dormitory room and have seen all of the "Church of the

SubGenius" paraphernalia laying around. The police also

arrested your roommate on an outstanding warrant for

something.

Have you joined some kind of cult?

Are you really in Dallas? That is the postmark on your

letter, but there is no return address. We showed it to

Father White, and he seemed very disturbed by its contents.

I can assure you, however, that your mother and I have never

belonged to any "conspiracy." Just to be on the safe side,

we have left or resigned from the P.T.A., the Garden Club,

the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Rotarians, and the Humane

Society.

We hope this makes you happy.

(Remember, son, if you must have sex with native girls,

please, please, please use a condom. God knows what

diseases they carry!)

Send us a letter soon!

Dad

***

Dear Tim,

I think that it was extremely rude of you to send a box

full of disgusting things to us. There are laws against

sending human remains through the mail, and I received a

very sharp letter from the Postal Inspector.

Your mother has been reading all of that confusing crap

"literature" you left behind, and is convinced that you have

been brainwashed. For my part, I have contacted congressman

--DELETED--, and he says that "The Church of the SubGenius"

has been under investigation for some time, and that he

plans an official junket to investigate conditions there.

I recommend that you leave that place as soon as

possible. I would not want to see you on television labeled

as a "cultist." That could affect your career for years to

come.

Sincerely, Dad

***

Tim,

I just saw the news about congressman --DELETED--, his

aides and camera crew missing in Africa. They suspect that

some insurgent movement got their hands on a stinger missile

and shot them down before they could fly on to Dobbstown.

WHEREVER THAT IS!

But the important news is that your mother and I are

getting a divorce.

The other day she emptied our bank accounts and

disappeared, and I suspect that she ran off with some

asshole. Even though I am furious with her, I know she

still cares deeply for you, because she took all of your

flyers, books, t-shirts, mugs and other SubGenius stuff with

her.

I am sure that she still thinks of you every day, and

hopes that you can somehow get out of there without getting

hurt. I know I do.

Just to let you know, I have been talking with some men

who specialize in hostage rescue, deprogramming, and that

sort of thing, and they think that they may be able to help

us out with our 'problem'.

If you do come home safely, just know that there will

always be a home for you here, in the family business.

Please write!

Your Father

***

Son,

I pray that you are O.K. I heard that the mercenaries

I sent to get you have disappeared, and that you are still

being held hostage. I wish you could find a way to write or

call.

It have heard that your mother may be on her way to

join you in 'that place.' I know that she has left the

country, but she lost the tails INTERPOL put on her. Please

don't put her through this--I beg you!

She has not been well, and in her weakened condition I

don't think she is a match for whoever is controlling your

life now. God knows what they are putting you through, and

with a mind as fragile as hers, I fear that she might be

driven insane.

I just wish I knew what was going on there. I have

nightmares about torture, murder and forced indoctrination.

I remember what cousin Dick went through in Vietnam, with

the beatings and all.

Just know, that until I see you again, I will burn a

candle in the window, and I have tied a yellow ribbon around

the elm tree in the front yard.

Your Loving Father

***

You Rotten, Filthy Bastard:

I just got those disgusting photos of you and your

mother (that whore). Is she doing to that man what I think

she is doing? And how dare you put that smut of you and

those girls on the INTERNET for christsakes! God, I am so

embarrassed!

I hope you get the worst fucking dose of CLAP that has

ever been seen on the planet! And as for your mother, I

hope she is stretched so far out of shape that a fucking

donkey can't satisfy her!

The whole town knows about our disgrace! I am moving

and changing my name. I HOPE I NEVER HEAR YOUR FUCKING

NAMES AGAIN!

GO TO HELL!,

THE GUY WHO USED TO BE YOUR DAD

-H.Zinn -