Subject: Re: PANIC ATTACK
Date: Sun, 21 Jun 1998 12:28:54 +0100
From: Peter Hipwell <petehip@cogsci.ed.ac.uk>
Organization: Lytreia
Newsgroups: alt.slack
References: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4
Michael Townsend wrote:
>
> In article <358BEEFC.926@cogsci.ed.ac.uk>, Peter Hipwell
> <petehip@cogsci.ed.ac.uk> wrote:
>
> --> after me again with that damn ALUMINIUM BAKING FOIL and
> --> transmitting
>
> al-you-mini-um? AL-YOU-MINI-UM? hahahhahahahaha
Oh God. It's the tourist season again.
For the past TWO BLOODY HOURS the sound of massed bagpipes and drums
has been HIGHLY AUDIBLE from this room. I PASSED the threshold of
TOLERANCE approximately 10 minutes after this started. Can't these
fuckers just BUGGER OFF to some god-forsaken GLEN and WELD THEMSELVES
into the INTERIOR of a LARGE RUSTY CORRUGATED IRON SHED so they can
practice their TARTAN-CLAD DEVIANCIES without having to SPEW their
YELPING POOT across MILES of DENSELY POPULATED TERRITORY. What the
FUCK is wrong with these BLADDER-SUCKING MANIACS? It's bad enough that
I have to go into the CENTRE OF TOWN once every few weeks and hear
about 250 bagpipers hootling versions of SCOTLAND THE BRAVE -- all
EXACTLY THE SAME -- that await to greet the CASH-GLUTTED FLEECE-READY
TOURISTS as I carve my agile route through the herds of BOVINE YANK
PENSIONERS, INSANE KAMIKAZE JAPANESE VIDEO-WIELDERS, EURO-BABBLING
SPUM-TRASH SCHOOLKIDS, and other OVER and UNDERSEAS FILTH that BLOCK
the FUCKING PAVEMENT by lounging around GAWPING at totally moronic
things like a fucking HOTEL next to the fucking RAILWAY STATION -- not
even the DAMN SCENIC BITS that the CONVEYOR BELT they're on says they
should be CRICKING THEIR NECK to gaze at, and COMPLAING ABOUT the
goddamn WEATHER and the fact that they're TOO STUPID to be able to
read even the SPECIALLY PRODUCED TOURIST MAPS -- this is the only
place I've been which has BLOODY MAP DISPENSERS ALL AROUND THE STREETS
-- which have PRIMARY COLOURS and BIG ARROWS to guide even the DIZZIEST
SPLANKHEAD to a safely EXPENSIVE rendezvous with either a CASTLE or a
PALACE or a goddamn SPOOKY GHOST TOUR so they can go see some
GRAVEDIGGER shit and some PLAGUE-TUNNEL shit and some GALLOWS shit and
some ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON shit and some BROKE STUDENT DRESSED UP IN
A STUPID DRACULA COSTUME WHO THROWS A BUCKET OF WATER OVER THE
SQUEALING FUCKWITS ON THIS TOUR shit but all the time there's these
droning BAGPIPES going DURRR-NANANAN SCRIEK DURR-NA NA NANAANA. And
it's like that but MORE SO. There's probably ANOTHER fucking
CELBRATION of something unimportant out in the PARK: June during a
CONTINUAL THREE-WEEK DELUGE of PISSING-IT RAIN has turned the place
into a sea of SODDEN MUDFLAT broken up only by small patches of LITTER
and the REEK of PORTALOOS. I hope this PACK of SKIRLING TOSSPOTS
stumbles into a DEEP QUAGMIRE and DESCENDS, BURBLING, into an
ENVELOPING, SUFFOCATING CLOACAL ETERNITY that mirrors the operation of
a NEVERENDING CEILIDH run for the benefit of FAUX-CELTIC BURBLERS
GLOBALLY espousing the INAUTHENTIC INVENTIONS of "HERITAGE".
--
Sa-ti muste vampirii curul!