Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: What StBob Has Been Up To
From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)
Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:53:20 GMT
My sincerest apologies for so blatantly ignoring this fine NG and allowing it
to fall to pot in my absensory-experiences. Here's a summary of what I've been
doing instead.
Bob soak Slack. Bob president of Brown Band. Bob increase enrollment so now
band need two buses. Bob invite Big Nazo puppet troupe to do halftime show with
Band.
Bob take four classes. Bob drop one after midterms due to lack of time. Bob
like class, like readings (Josef Conrad, James Joyce, H.D.) but fall too far
behind. Lose some Slack over that. Bob no get into creative writing class.
Thhhhbbbbppt!
Bob start write for Film Bulletin. Wonderful outlet for crehateivity. Goal of
FB to destroy Brown University. Also advertise films for Film Society.
Editor-in-chief self-proclaimed anarcho-nihilist. Too many hyphens in last
sentence.
Bob look for job. Hope to find one that gives mucho Slack. REALLY have to look
hard for THAT... or maybe Bob just ride the luck plane.
Bob feel kinda bad about not posting to alt.slack and letting it die in his
nonsense absense.
Bob will start posting second-hand pieces written for Film Bulletin to get
second hand Slack...
StCBtD
From Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu Mon Nov 10 14:01:46 1997
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Albini West Virgin Rant
From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)
Date: 10 Nov 1997 22:01:46 GMT
W4FB:
[Albini West is a friend of mine who resides somewhere in the upper strata of
my id]
So Merrie, you're a virgin then. How very nice to hear. I'm sure we all want to
hear about it. Really. I'm not quite sure what your point was, though. What
EXACTLY was it that compelled you to share that little factoid with the entire
campus? You want help? Your situation is easily remedied. Just give me a call
sometime. Easily remedied.
If you were complaining that there aren't enough virgins at Brown . . . well,
I'll tell you I'm a virgin too, if you really want. Hell, I might not even be
lying through my teeth in hopes of getting into your pants. You never know! If
it really bothers you, I'll let you in on a little secret-- there was a little
something a few decades back called THE SIXTIES!
This virgin pride thing is probably just a shield to protect you from dealing
with a part of yourself that frightens you (Are the lambs still screaming
Merrie? Are they still SCREAMING IN ECSTASY!? Oh yeah, I know all about your
kind . . . ) Or maybe you just don't want to admit to yourself that everybody
else at this university is off at the CVS in pairs buying K-Y jelly and rubber
chickens and grinning at each other wickedly, or else listening to old Gang of
Four seven inches and practicing from page 37 of the Karma Sutra while you're
in your room sighing over that REEEEEALY sensitive cute guy in your history
section and downloading scantily clad JPGs of Marky Mark.
I hate to say it, but you got beat to the punch. The editor of last year's Film
Bulletin also announced to the entire university that he was a virgin. Nobody
basically gave a shit, and nobody gives a shit now. If you want to make a stir
hear at Brown, you have to claim that your rights are somehow being violated by
the sexual atmosphere. Anyone else here (aside from Matt Gilgoff) remember Jake
"Condom Boy" Feldman? (Ahh, the Film Bulletin's checkered past . . . ) Yes
Virginia, there are virgins at Brown. Shitloads of them. Every last single one
of them is in your unit, too. Just why do you think they're all so obsessed
with sex? Cuz they're GETTING ANY!? H A H ! !
So, just go to a phrat party some time, get all liquored up on the Beast and
let people feel you up while pretending to write on your shirt. Or go to an
off-campus party, drink too much Guinness and pass out on the host's bed. You
won't have to worry about being a virgin too much longer. You and your entire
unit can have that magical first-time experience (simultaneously if you so
choose) without the pain of remembering how awkward it was! Or just give me a
call sometime. Really. Not that I'm desperate or anything! If you want me to be
a virgin too I can do that-- I'll just stick it right in and lose it after the
first ten seconds then fall asleep. If you really don't care, I can let you sit
on my face and give you three hours of foreplay, then stick it in and lose it
after the first ten seconds and then fall asleep. The choice is yours.
-Albini West ‘99
From Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu Mon Nov 10 13:55:52 1997
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Kitten Problemz
From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)
Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:55:52 GMT
Written for the FB:
So my family got a little kitten and they decided to have her spayed. Now,
this is perfectly understandable. It keeps the world population of kittens
down and God knows the last thing we need is more fuzzy cuteness, like
walls of cute fuzzy kittens, seas of them running down every main street
in herds just being cute and fuzzy and making a general nuisance of
themselves . . . I fully realize that we must be ever vigilant and guard
ourselves from such a sickeningly cute state of affairs. It did get me
thinking though, that . . . well, this is, after all, the nineties and
all, after all, and well we're supposed to be all, you know, liberated and
all, you know sensitive like. I guess I'll just come right out and say it
. . . if we spay the little kittens of the world we are denying them an
essential part of their nature. Frankly, I'm worried that our little kitty
might go through her entire feline life without experiencing sexual
fulfillment. This led me to wonder if maybe, once the rest of the world
reaches the same obvious and inescapable conclusion, a new industry might
sprout up-- one dedicated to helping our pets live their lives to the
fullest in all its glorious and carnal wonder. It is with this in mind
that I submitted my patent for the first ergonomically designed vibrating
feline dildo, which will allow owners to show their cute, fuzzy and
successfully defused animal companions just how much love they have in
their hearts.
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: Kitten Problemz
From: mitchell@CHOKE.ON.THIS.interserv.com (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 23:44:23 GMT
In article <647vt8$i4p@cocoa.brown.edu>, Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu (Crazy Bob) wrote:
*cutting to the chase....*
>.. . . if we spay the little kittens of the world we are denying them an
>essential part of their nature. Frankly, I'm worried that our little kitty
>might go through her entire feline life without experiencing sexual
>fulfillment. This led me to wonder if maybe, once the rest of the world
>reaches the same obvious and inescapable conclusion, a new industry might
>sprout up-- one dedicated to helping our pets live their lives to the
>fullest in all its glorious and carnal wonder. It is with this in mind
>that I submitted my patent for the first ergonomically designed vibrating
>feline dildo, which will allow owners to show their cute, fuzzy and
>successfully defused animal companions just how much love they have in
>their hearts.
Does it have barbs? It's not realistic enough if it isn't barbed.]
P-Lil
--
| Popess Lilith von Fraumench | Fools' Press |
| Hangnail Of the Stark Fist | 1122 E Pike St, #769 |
| Sadomasticist At Large | Seattle, WA 98122-3934 |
|"Spiting the Gods since 1989"| mitchell@interserv.com |
| http://home.sprynet.com/interserv/mitchell |
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Letter Phrom a Phrat Guy
From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)
Date: 10 Nov 1997 22:03:06 GMT
W4FB:
Dear BDH
I am a phrat guy. I am phrankly sick and tired of all you supposedly "liberal"
Brown students always portraying phrats in such a negative light all the time.
If you made the same kind of stereotypes about phaggots and broads that you
"open minded" students always stick on us poor phrat guys, there would be a
great big "uproar" and have demonstrations on the main green and all that
sixties crap. The way people act at Brown, you'd think that when a man decides
to join a phrat or a chick a sorority, they do this of their own phree will and
are already completely aware of all the stereotypes in place.
I'm phrankly sick of the strong anti-Greek sentiment on this campus. I realize
this strong anti-Greek sentiment on the Brown campus even though I'm from
Connecticut and not from Greece at all. People don't seem to think that it's
wrong to stereotype us in the same way that it is wrong to stereotype negroes
and kykes who were born that way and had no choice in the matter. It's not as
if the stereotype of getting drunk all the time and getting mad pussy were what
inspired us to join in the phirst place! Next thing you know people will start
stereotyping the ISO too just coz they have voluntary membership too.
-Jimmy Cosgrove ‘00
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Dead Freshamn Rant
From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)
Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:57:46 GMT
Wrtn4FB:
Alright, this is the LAST time I'm going to say it . . . there will be NO dead
freshman jokes in this Film Bulletin. You can't DO that! I mean, no matter how
callous and misanthropic and cynical you are, you just CAN'T write a story
about how she was climbing into the back seat to get her two-cycle-
internal-combustion-engine-powered, steel-grommet-studded 17-inch vibrator,
because that's just completely uncalled for. No matter how boring this campus
is, there has to be other fodder for comedy we can use before sinking to the
level of dead freshman jokes. It's the rules: you're not allowed to make jokes
about anyone until the body starts to smell.
Now, in olden times, that meant maybe three or four hours . . . after rigor
mortis had set in, just when the first bloating started. These days, of course,
in our over-sanitized society with its so-called modern embalming techniques
and so-called timely burial and so-called measures to prevent pestilence, where
decent God-fearing men no longer have the freedom to catch the black death and
die in excruciating agony like in the good old days before so-called
antibiotics and you can't just throw your shit out the window because of
so-called city health ordinances (I swear, if I ever get that judge alone . . .
), it might take several months before the body gets ripe and, of course, by
then it's already buried so you never know whether or not the stench has begun,
so you have to pussyfoot around the issue for maybe half a year unless you're
willing to exhume the body, which is generally frowned upon because of
so-called respect for the dead (not to mention other city health ordinances
(and if I ever see THAT judge again . . . )) by which time people look at you
and go, "Dead freshman? What dead freshman? What the fuck are you talking
about? You gotta lay off the crack, boy!"
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Brown Daily Herald Rant
From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)
Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:56:52 GMT
Written 4 FB:
But the interesting thing is that classes had been in session barely longer
than a week when I was already being misquoted by the bloody BDH. I don't know
who said that incomprehensible string of meaningless syllables they attributed
to me. If I actually spoke like that, random people walking down the street
would slap me if they were in a good mood and drag me into an alley and beat me
senseless if they were miffed. Whoever wrote that article just took random
words seven or eight different people said and stuck them all into one
sentence. AND THIS IS THE MAIN SOURCE OF INFORMATION FOR MOST OF THE STUDENT
BODY! THE average Brown STUDENT just reads this and assumes IT must BE true!
And they just sit around in their office or whatever it is they have instead of
an office all day and MAKE SHIT UP!
And what's more, the reporter was working on a deadline and knew NOTHING at
all, so completely counted on us to give her her story. We could've told her
ANYTHING, any kind of outrageous lies, and they would have been in the BDH two
days later, entering the canon of unquestionable Brown truths. As it was, we
got exactly the story we wanted, even if we were all horribly misquoted.
Think about this for a second. This is exactly what goes on at the BDH . . .
it's nothing but a mouthpiece for propaganda. Whatever story the administration
tells them will be spoon-fed the next day to the student body. LIES! ALL LIES!
Think about this for a second. Replace the BDH with, say, the New York Times or
Newsweek. Replace the administration and student groups with multinational
corporations and the federal government. THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS!
Noam Chomsky is right! Go out right now, buy Manufacturing Consent and read it.
Six or seven times. Recognize the reality that you are being lied to every time
you open a newspaper or turn on the television.
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Brown Daily Herald Rant II
From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)
Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:58:42 GMT
YaddaYaddaYadda:
Now, the BDH DID publish a time line for Professor Adegosan, which proves that,
contrary to popular (and for the most part correct) belief, the BDH does have a
memory that extends past last week. What I'D like to see, though, is a time
line on the things people who are still AT this university have done. I know
the BDH has their archives sitting back in some dusty file cabinet somewhere in
their office or whatever it is that they have instead of an office, and if
they'd just sort through some of it, they might discover some interesting
things that none of the students here know about because of the handy-dandy
four year institutional memory. For example, how many people here know that
Dean Desroachers at one point tendered his resignation to President Gregorian
after a particularly nasty little scandal involving College Hill Travel?
Gregorian did not accept the resignation, of course, but instead demoted the
Dean. Notice that he is once again a dean. When did this happen? Well, at some
point after everybody who remembered the incident had already graduated. And
who out there in Brunoland can name the other Dean who tendered his own
resignation over the SAME scandal? Who can guess what happened to him? How
about just last year? Have we ever found out exactly what happened with that
Grad Center suite? Remember that obnoxious history teacher you had in grade
school who would always say that those who don't learn their history were
doomed to repeat it, then made that tired joke about some of you repeating
fifth grade? The Brown student body has the collective memory of a retarded
pothead Alzheimer's sufferer.
The BDH is too busy sucking the cock of the administration to remind us. The
Independent is too busy trying to show off how hip it is. Issues is too busy
being over-intellectually masturbatory, writing using MCM jargon to prove that
anybody who writes and/or reads it (yeah, as if there's ANY difference between
those two subsets) is just soooooo smart and swank and superior, and doing
stories about ART EXHIBITS because they can't be BOTHERED with politics even
though the bloody rag is CALLED Issues . . . I mean what the fuck is the point
of having a magazine called Issues if it's all about art? Wouldn't you think
that since it's called Issues it might want to deal with . . . oh, I don't
know . . . ISSUES?!? Why not change the name to Pretentious Semio Art Snobs
Quarterly if you're not actually going to be concerned with ISSUES?
If these Brown publications aren't going to start carrying their WEIGHT around
here, then that leaves us only Clerestory, Catalyst, Good Clean Fun and the
Film Bulletin.
Look at that list! Who you gonna call?
Da's RIGHT, muthafuckaz!!!
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Albini West Journals Sep. 14 (Keyboard Porn Revisited)
From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM!.brown.edu (Crazy Bob)
Date: 10 Nov 1997 22:00:09 GMT
W4FB:
Sep. 14
I'm in the CIT right now. The chicks around here mostly have long hair, so they
don't distract me much from my work. I do have my own computer, but I don't
like using it because the keyboard is too quiet. Some people don't like to go
to the CIT to do computer stuff. I don't understand it.
The computer I'm using right now has a really cheap keyboard, the kind where
every single key is connected to asnap switch. When you press the key you hear
a nice firm KLAK! And then when you let it go there's a nice PTING! I love
typing really fast (even though I only type with two fingers) because there's
this klakpting! klakpting! klakpting! the whole time and it sends these shivers
down my spine. Each keystroke is electric. Then I'm surrounded by all these
other people typing too.
There's a girl with kind of dark skin, kind of an ethnically ambiguous thing
going on, with straight long black hair and she's hunting for each key. KLAK!
PTIIIING! Pause. KLAK! PTIIING! Pause. KLAK! PTIIING! You get the picture. Most
of the rest of the people are typing with all ten fingers, not even looking
down. Klikitakatunkaklakkaklikkaklikkachunk! The sounds are invading my very
soul, haunting my mind, making my eardrums throb. I start typing faster.
Harder. The keyboard rings beneath my fingers like a thing alive.
Then she sits down at the computer next to me.
She's wearing a German army shirt, like they used to have at the Thayer
Army/Navy store and her hair is really short. It's contoured almost exactly to
the shape of her head, with a slight taper at the back. She doesn't even notice
me, just starts typing away. She must be typing at least 120 WPM. I turn back
to my screen and hit the keys with even greater vigor. I hear her keystrokes
get louder, maybe in response to mine, maybe in competition. It doesn't matter
to me, I type faster, drawing strength and coordination from the unspoken
connection between us. The rest of the computer lab is singing along with us,
like a backing choir to our clacking duet. The keys fly beneath my fingers and
I tupe even faster than before, faster than I ever thought I could, I don't
ecen stop to correct typos now, there's just no tine and the clacking runs
trough my mind and down my neck an I toye harder and faster, faster and harder,
nd I can hear her breqth quickening next to me and she's typing even faster
now, so fast I can't imagine that she's actually even trying to type out
anything because she's typing faster than the speend of thought and the
clacking numbs my ears until I can hardly feel them any more and I'm typing
harder and faster and I'm starting to perspire noe, the sweat drips down my
nose and lands on the keyboard, making the keys more slick and I start to lose
mydfingring and I don't care and the typing is getting louyder and louder and
louder and . . .
I sit back in my chair, my fingers aching and my endurance spent. Finally I
open my eyes and look over next to me and there's nobody at the computer. I
begin to wonder if I imagined the whole thing, but then I see that the screen
is still on, and there's a message:
"Call me sometime." She hadn't even logged out.
So I slide over and use her account to send crank E-mail to the BDH.
-Albini