Subject: Re: THIS NG SUCKS!!!
Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 12:09:45 GMT
From: ted@ibexbsc.darnspam.com (Ted)
Organization: None
Newsgroups: alt.slack
References: 1
haarli@webtv.net (Lisa rochwarg) wrote:
>
>I thought this was some inbred and cliquish NG for ubergeeks, but now
>I see that it's riddled with closet Nazis.
>
>Drop dead, you bastards. I hope your
>little dicklets drop off.
[A friend, (whose life sucks, thus brightening the lives of all who
know him) sent this to me. Now it can be yours as well. Keep it a
secret though. You're supposed to charge for secret stuff like
this.]
> Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
>
>For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
>However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
>Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus, they now
>call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according
>to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that
>dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster
>than light.
>
>The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck
>dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you
>are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.
>The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
>Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the
>ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last
>forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This
>is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a
>primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will
>notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
>all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil
>next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
>because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.
>
>Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited
>range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these
>can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a
>dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be
>either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can
>operate again.
>
>Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
>this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating
>dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must
>travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates
>a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an
>operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim
>deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker.
>When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total
>darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of
>the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power
>of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark
>that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines,
>which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may
>be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to
>get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized
>this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe
>travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled
>slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled
>against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the
>dark along its way.
>
>Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were
>to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet,
>then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter
>the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to
>see the dark leave the closet.
>
>In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our
>lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb
>remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
... and so, it's good that something sucks, for if nothing sucked, all
would be darkness. Personally, I'd be very tense and agitated.
ted (ted@ibexbsc.com)