Subject: Halloween Majick from Martha

Date: Sun, 26 Oct 1997 17:43:33 GMT

From: nospamum@radix.net (MegaLiz)

Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu

Newsgroups: alt.slack, alt.foot.fat-free

Let me just say that it's a good thing for you people that you have ME

to watch TV for you. Spider Monkey and I enjoy the finest that the

tube has to offer everyday at approximately 8 a.m., 10 a.m., 1 p.m., 4

p.m. and 6:30 to 8 p.m. for at least 20 minutes at a stretch. Somebody

told me that it's good for lactation and DAMNED if they weren't right.

The Monkey is a Poster Child for Triple-chins everywhere!

The most newsworthy observation is that Oprah is going evangelical. I

am not kidding and you ignore this at your peril. I have noted with

delight that most of her "message" can be boiled down to "don't be so

pink!" but it is the forcefulness and slick packaging of it that makes

me reeeeealy nervous. Of course she's not perfectly anti-pink: she

also commands that no one should ever again use the word nigger unless

they are actual niggers.

Lemme tell you, this is gonna be a meltdown to rival PTL's Jim and

Tearful Tammy for entertainment value whenever she really loses it on

Teevee. She may even be assassinated by some poor white fat woman who

just can't cope with all the prescribed community service and Sudden

Irrational Commitments to Kindness (the S.I.C.K. movement). She'll be

taken out by the victims of the Bad Surprise Makeover otherwise.

News as it happens.

From the Commercials Too Stupid to Mention So I Will Dept: Quilted

Northern Asswipe Commercials are - gasp - written by ASSWIPES! Since

they're, like QUILTED, and all that, some Keebler-Elf-loving ad whiz

decided to depict a cartoon of - yes, that's right - happily quilting

elves making the toilet paper. There was one small problem, however.

The ENTIRE BRAINLESS STAFF responsible for the DEATHLESS ASSWIPE

PRODUCTION LINE CARTOON were TOO FUCKING IGNORANT to realize that they

had rendered the little fairies USING KNITTING NEEDLES. Not only THAT,

but it took them THREE MONTHS TO NOTICE and FIX IT. I was even

beginning to be rather proud of their staunch stupidity, the little

dears.

And now, the cause of the header up there: Martha Stewart finally did

something right! This was the creeepiest table arrangement I have ever

seen, short of using actual body parts to decorate a party. It's a

GOOD THING, Martha!