Subject: Narfs, Whining, Stuff, and etc. and some other stuff too, I wuv ya!

Date: 02 Dec 1996 00:00:00 GMT

From: "Myrkury" <MyRK@VOICENET.com>

Organization: Voicenet - Internet Access - (215)674-9290

Newsgroups: alt.slack

A note about the structure of this post cause its real long. The first

long part is self pity, I hope you read it and feel real bad for me, so

bad that you send money to the Holy P.O. Box. Otherwise skip it. Don't

skip it all cause I make a wise ass remark about Peroxide therapy right at

the end. The next part is what I cooked for thanksgiving including

recipies. After that is some other stuff or not depending on whether I

can think of something to write there.

Part 1

Lemme see now, I was sick and I went on about it for hours, but those were

only the flu like symptoms which began immediately after a phone

conversation with Pastor Craig on 11/16. I then developed a sore throat

and started taking Trimox for an assumed strep infection. Two days later

I began to develop severe pain in my joints (hands, feet, ankles, wrists

you name it, it hurt.) I called my doctor (on thursday 11/21) who told me

I probably had ghonnorhea, syphillis, lukemia or lyme disease. That was

the first time in my married life that I wished I or my wife had screwed

around, as that would give me hope that it was one of the first two

options. I was told to come in for some bloodwork on monday. By friday

night the pain in my joints had gotten so nasty that I wouldn't wish it on

Ed Meese. My wife is quite familliar with my pain (yum) threshold and

what she saw moved her so much she said that if I didn't go to the

emergency room she would really give me something to lie on the bathroom

floor vomiting and crying about. So I (being a slave to machismo) limped

on down to the hospital, forcing my wife to take my jacket when she

bitched about how cold it was. This thing with my jacket was great, I

don't often get the chance to be so passive/aggressive. I get to the

emergency room around 12 am and there are about 10 people sitting around

the admissions area. I don't know what the usual ratio of people in the

waiting area to patients is (good thesis topic for a dullwitted sociology

major) but it wasn't very crowded. My wife checks me in cause I cant hold

a pencil (oh yeh thats why I ain't posted for a while) and I sit down in

the waiting area and wait. A girl who looks to be 13 or 14 comes in

having a baby, she is accompanied by an old man and what looks to be a

transvestite hooker. I get to triage around 1 am and the nurse writes up

my syptoms and asks me if I have pain pissing, I say no, She asks me if I

have penile discharge, I tell her only when I want to. I realize what

she's getting at and tell her I WISH it was the clap. I go back to the

waiting area. A stretcher with a bloody pile of flesh comes in. Three

friends of the bloody pile of flesh (17ish delaware county (snooty suburbs

of philly) brats) come in with a pair of police officers. They are

whining like a bunch of puppies after ya mace them. The cops coldly break

off the conversation with a plattitude like "we will do our best to

apprehend the persons who assaulted you" and leave in a manner that

suggests that they have already forgotten what the fuck they were talking

to those asshole kids about anyway. Two of the beat up looking kids are

loosing enough blood that they are brought in right away. The third kid

who is bloody and whose face has been severely distorted, walks around the

emergency room going up to people who don't give a shit and saying things

like "I can't believe those guys beat us up" "I don't know why people are

so mean" "They just jumped us for no reason". He gets to me and I say

because you deserved it. I feel good because I know I helped him cause he

got a real huffy look and turned what was left of his nose up at me.

Hell, if I couldn't make him feel better I could at least make him feel

superior. At 2:30 am I am taken to an examination room, my wife is told

to come sign more forms and I am helped out of my clothes and into a smock

by a huge orderly with jailhouse tatoos (he was the nicest guy I met all

night) who told me that the beat up kids had gone to West Philly to buy

pot and that when the dealer had shown them a bag they told him they

didn't want any nigger pot. I knew those little fucks deserved their

beating. At 3 am my wife comes back and tells me that the nurse had

spoken to her at length on how it may be difficult for our marriage for

her to tell me if she had given me the clap by screwing around but that if

she didn't I would find out in a few days anyway and they it would be best

to start treatment now. She told them that she always wears a rubber when

she fucks around and she hadn't in about 8 years anyway and that she had

gotten a test 2 years before and that it was negative and that the nurse

was a dirty minded so and so. The sarcasm was lost on the nurse. At 3:30

am a resident comes in and looks at my chart and asks me if I have VD I

say no. He tells me he is going to get the head doctor. At 4:30 am the

head doctor comes in and asks me if I have VD. Then he asks me if I have

been to Burma in the last six weeks. I say no to both but feel happy that

I am now in the care of a smart man. He tells me then that its either

lyme disease or lukemia and takes 11 tubes full of blood out of me. He

congradulated me on my nice veins. He then tells me that he is going to

tap my wrist for fluid, he says it is something that doesn't happen alot

in the emergency room and that he would like if the other two residents

observed. I smile and chat while the two residents and the head doctor

take unsuccessful turns at wrist tapping. Wrist tapping is extremely

painful and from the reaction of the doctors I could tell they thought I

was insane or a dope fiend but I kept my composure mostly because the rest

of my body hurt less in comparison and that was a good thing. My wife ran

out of the examining room to go barf. She was able to regain her

composure without actually blowing chunks and came back in a few minuits.

The doctor said it was wierd that they couldn't get nothing out of my

wrist. He gave me lots of Percocet, Indomethicaine, more TRIMOX and

doxycyclene. He failed to mention that these all have nausea as a side

effect but did say to call my internist on monday for the test results.

I went home and spent the entire weekend in agony on the bathroom floor

puking up bile and identifying with the dude in the french connection

sequel. On monday I couln't get a hold of my internist but found out from

the hospital lab that I didn't have lukemia or VD. This was nice to know

as my wife and I had started giving each other dirty looks. Tuesday I was

told by my internists answering service that I should take my pills and

call back on monday dec. 2 for the lyme test results. Wenedsday my wife

thought that the doctor was being a little insensitive so she barged into

his office and confronted him. Apparently the answering service is a

"gatekeeper" service used by my HMO to screen calls from doctors to avoid

excess utilization. My internist looked at my chart and said "Gee your

hubby has a textbook case of TRIMOX SERUM POISONING, every second year med

student in the country would know that. Stop the TRIMOX and start him on

these steroids, sorry bout that but Serum poisoning is one of the most

painful conditions known to man." Evrybody, especially me, was very happy

to get me on these steroids because that meant I would feel better and

that my mom wouldn't try to cook thanksgiving dinner and poison the entire

family. By Thanksgiving morning I was a steroid charged cooking machine

and have felt alot better, completely better by sunday. If I had tried

Peroxide therapy for the presumed strep I would have been much better off

because I didn't have strep in the first place (which means the Peroxide

would have cured the sore throat in 24 hours or so) and I wouln't have

taken the TRIMOX so I wouln't have got sick from that. Rather than the

cure being worse than the disease, the disease was the cure, or something.

Part 2

My thanksgiving menu:

1 broad breasted Turkey (the old fashiond brown and black ones) 22 lbs,

fresh killed organic free range bird raised by religious fanatics in

Lancaster Co. PA. {e-mail me and I'll tell you how to get one}

Myrkury's very good stuffing and Turkey cooking technique

Put in a HUGE bowl:

8 loaves white bread cubed and allowed to go stale

3 9*16 pans of cornbread coarsely crumbled and allowed to go stale

In a separate bowl mix:

2 cups coarsely chopped (rehydrated) chestnuts

1 cup walnut pieces

1 cup pecan pieces

1/2 cup ground almond (NOT MARZIPAN)

2 cups chopped dry figs

2 cups chopped dry dates

2 cups shallots

1/2 cup minced fresh garlic

2 granny smith apples cut up real small

3 tbs. crushed red pepper (or 1/2 cup minced jalepeno + 2 tbs vinegar)

generous quantities of poultry seasonings like sage, thyme, etc.

Melt 1 lb. of butter in a pan and cook the above mixture till the shallots

are soft. Return to its bowl and set aside.

In a bowl mix:

5 cups chopped onion

2 cups chopped carrot

2 cups chopped sweet potato

4 cups chopped celery

3 cups chopped mushrooms

1/2 cup minced broad leaf parsely

melt 1 lb of butter in a pan and sautee untill sweet potato gets mushy.

Put back into bowl and add another cup of chopped celery.

Bring to a boil:

3 cups of broth (use the peels and trimmings from the vegetables but get

them out before you add anything, duh!)

add:

1 1/2 cups chicken gizzards

1 1/2 cups chicken hearts

2 1/2 cups chichen livers

a little salt

boil for 15 minuites and strain, reserving the liquid. Chop up the

chicken innards.

Combine the two bowls of stuff, the chicken innards and the bread and mix

till there is an even distribution of stuff. Add broth untill its kinda

damp.

Fill up the body cavity and the space at the top of the breast of the

turkey with the stuffing while the stuffing is still hot (If you don't

know how to do this the recipie is too advanced for you, but if i like you

I may respond by e-mail, same goes for anybody who thinks they may die of

salmonella if they do this.) [cook the rest of the stuffing in a pan, 20

mins covered 10 uncovered in a 400 oven] Stitch up the Turkey and put it

on a rack over a pan in a 575 degree (F) oven till its browned (about 20

minutes give or take 10) some fat may accumulate in the bottom of the pan

and smoke terribly but this is what vent fans are for, don't cook like a

wuss I'm telling you the one true way to cook a bird so shaddup. Take the

bird out of the oven and reset the temp to 325. Clean out the burnt fat

and scum from the bottom of the pan. Put the rack and the bird back over

the pan. Cover the wingtips and drumstick tips of the bird in foil.

Cover the rest of the Breast ( which is up, do birds breast up) with

cheesecloth that has been soaked in melted butter. Pour more melted

butter over the bird. Put it back in the oven and baste twice during the

next two hours. When the bird has had 2 1/2 hours of oven time carefully

remove the cheesecloth (DON'T TEAR THE SKIN! a little water will help if

it is really stuck) baste and return to the oven. Wait 45 mins and check

to see if the bird is done check at 10 minuite intervals till its done. A

turkey is done when the juice that runs from its pierced thigh is clear or

the leg wiggles rather easily when you wiggle it DON'T OVERCOOK. Hot

stuffed, a broad breasted turkey will take 9 or 10 minuits a pound and a

regular turkey 12-15 minuits a pound. Let sit for at least 1/2 hour

before carving. The cook and his/her favorites can snack on the wings and

skin while waiting)

Myrkury's yummy giblet gravy

Boil together while Turkey cooks:

vegetable scraps tied in cheesecloth

Pope's nose

Turkey neck

Turkey innards

When Turkey is done add some broth to deglaze the pan. Pick the meat out

of the Pope's nose and off the neck and discard the skin and fat (or eat

it on toast.) Put the meat and the innards into a food processor with the

remaining (strained) broth and the pan juices. Process till gravylike, if

you fucked up and its runny thicken with a roux.

Cranberry sauce

Add to 2 Tbs melted butter in a pan:

4 cups Cranberries

1 orange, zest and the pulp separated from the membrane, if you don't know

how to separate pulp skip it and add an extra cup of OJ.

2 cups OJ

1 cup port wine

1/3 cup chopped fresh ginger

1/2 cup chopped pineapple

1 minced jalapeno (optional but if you skip it add a tiny pinch of

cayyane)

a cinnamon stick

powdered clove and allspice

cook together for a while and add sugar to taste, let cool.

Collards:

3 cups chopped onions

1/2 cup chopped garlic

2 lbs minced slab bacon

2 Tbs crushed red pepper

Melt 1/2 lb of butter and add the bacon, when the bacon is somewhat cooked

add the rest of the stuff, when the onions are soft add:

10 lbs coarsely chopped collard greens

1/4 cup wine vinegar

salt and pepper.

Stir over low heat till wilted cover and cook for at least 2 hours.

Yams

Yams

Brown Sugar

Cinnamon, Nutmeg, mace, ginger, etc. (not way too much of these tho)

Butter

Rum

Put way too much of everything in a casseroll and cook covered till yams

are soft. Uncover and cook till you got a nice glaze on the Yams.

Cabbage Salad

BY HAND! NOT A FOOD PROCESSOR! (use a mandolin or one of those evil

guilotine things for making potato chips) shred a large head of cabbage

and salt the shreds till they are limp (takes a couple of hours)

Drain off the salty cabbage juice (if the cabbage is too salty you've

ruined it, try again) and add

Juice of 4 lemons

Corn oil

Fresh ground white pepper (black is ok in a pinch) to taste

A shredded pepper

A shredded tomato

Keep it in the fridge a few hours and toss occasionally. This is sooooo

yummy if done right but it is really hard as the cabbage must be cut up

just so or else it will be either bitter or too salty. E-mail me if you

really want to make this and I will fax you a diagram or e-mail you a

bitmap demonstrating proper technique.

Make somebody else bring pies for desert, I hate making desert.

Well, those are the recipies, I had some other stuff to say but I forgot

most of it.

There was the usual denunciation of tolerance for other, a pro-gun

comment, something vaguely sexist or some other ist and what not. Well

I've got till x-day to post the rest of the crap anyway so have a nice day

and as ICEY would say

ok

bye

ok.

--

Myrkury Josephus Third Aviator of ZENO,

Keeper of the breifcase of the 75,937,500,500 names

Send all contribuions c/o William Gates: Inmate #666

H.R.H's Correctional Home for Boys

4327 Whylster Ct.

Donnington UK

"Next, when you are describing

A shape, or sound, or tint

Don't state the matter plainly

But put it in a hint

And learn to look at all things

With a sort of mental squid"

L. "We're through the looking glass now folks" Carrol