For me, there is always a bit of lag-time between my changes in

behavior and my conscious awareness that I have somehow changed. It's

as though my subconscious gets the message, but it requires me

actually doing something for a while before I understand what has

happened.

I was a latent SubGenius for many years. My family of origin was not

socially acceptable for a variety of reasons. I, being a pretty bright

kid, realized that this was going to penalize me unless I learned how

to "fit in."

Some children are born scientists, they play with their chemistry

sets, make crystals, create homunculi. Others are born musicians, they

have rhythm from birth, sing on key, take drugs in kindergarten. I was

an anthropologist. I have been a participant/observer of this society

since I was about 6 years old. I learned what it took to please

teachers. I did it. I learned what it took to get adults on my side. I

did it. It took me a long time to figure out girls/women, but I think

I understand them for the most part. If there's any single reason why

I like boys/men it's because they are so consistant.

There is an experience that, if you truly want to know what it is like

to "fit in", you must have. This is the "group loss of self" for lack

of a better term (I'm sure Dyna knows what this is). It's that feeling

you have when you are so sure of your "rightness" that you lose your

self-consciousness enough to join mindlessly into a group experience.

For example: praying aloud or singing aloud in church. Performance in

a choir doesn't count because you are aware of your "part," group

cheers or "the wave," singing in the crowd at a concert, clapping

along to the music, group hugs. These all require that you forget the

self enough to be "one" with the group. This group devolvement becomes

an emotional bond between those who are able to "let go." It is this

bond which motivates the CON. I have been there...I admit to needing

that. I...I even once did a...a...a group "OM"...it was beautiful,

man! (excuse me)

But here is the sadness of the SubGenius. Hse must give up this

oneness for the sake of open eyes. I cannot pull the wool in this case

anymore. There is a part of me that rejects even that comfort.

Besides, most people clap off-beat anyway...it just irritates me. I'm

no longer a good team player. I see all the "management techniques"

and "positive reinforcements" for just what they are...means of

control. Being a part of the ONE means giving up control...just that

little bit, for that short time. As has been so beautifully pointed

out here before; if you'll let them make you prove innocence before

offence ala piss testing, just for the sake of money, how much will

degradation will you take? We know you're a whore; how much do you

charge? If you let them have control of your mind for a short time for

free...how much will you charge for absolute control? If you let them

have your mind for an hour a day, they'll only charge you 10 minutes

of that time for their active brainwashing, the rest of the hour it's

just passive reinforcement in the form of "entertainment. Will you

trade your security for your freedom, maybe?

I used to be a whore for the CON, but now I are a SubGenius, and I

can't sing the National Anthem at baseball games. Hell, I can't even

GO to a baseball game without getting the willies. This is my sorrow.

I can no longer be the participant observer; I can only observe.

***

Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually

Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.

Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.