Ahhh Joe Newman, I adore you! I want to pop the creamy zits on your

fine hairy ass. I want to record your daily stool measurements. I want

to make you corndogs. I want to buy you sugar wafers. I want to see

you strut your stuff in those little blue panties. I want to dress you

up like a nun and make you watch football while I read from the bible,

you nasty nasty onion boy. Do you get your voice to do that by

tweaking your testicles? Does this shit get anyone else aside from

me...um, moist?....Earphones, yes ahhh, if you cross your legs and

just go with the rhythm you can be very happy, ladies la la la la la

la la la la la...juicy pumpkin. Joe, you make me so happy, I'd make

you mayonaise sandwiches with FRESH bread, dammit! Stang's voice

sounds very sexy on"...Tomorrow's Breakfast." Don't hold out on us.

"Taft" must come to alt.slack. Long clarinet solo...Austin doesn't

deserve you. Humans don't deserve you. Yeti barely deserve you and you

are too fucking modest. Hurt me with these sounds. Damn this is good

'frop. You know what I like to do? Hmmm? I like to have a deadline...

a real strict deadline. And then I like to wait...wait until the last

possible fucking minute to start working. I like to see just how

fucked up I can get and still produce perfect product. You know, the

world is just to goddamned boring sometimes. There are so few

challenges that I have to make them up, like now. I'm sitting here

just digging the shit out of "Don't get charred..." and writing fan

letters instead of doing the shit I'm supposed to get paid for, but

you know what? I don't care. Fuck 'em, Joe Newman, 'cause you only get

so much time, you know? If you can't get pleasure when you want it,

then why the hell bother to live? You're too good a musician to be a

programmer, you know? If Ed Mc Mahon were to call me and give me a big

old shitwad of cash, I swear on my grandma's wrinkled old cooter that

I'd back your next CD. Pacific moisture...how appropriate. So what

about William Demerest? I hear he was really a nasty old drunk even

though cocksure and robust. Do you ever wonder what sounds Don Knotts

made when he came? I do. I don't necessarily want to witness it live

though, tape will do. You're the only man I know of who can make vomit

and yeast infections infectious. Of course, you're also the only man I

know of who writes about yeast infections. In addition to mandating

bidets, I would also require that all children be subjected to Rudy

Scwartz music in the womb. If they don't self-abort, then we will have

the first generation of pure SubGenii to walk this planet since the

days when Yeti ruled the earth (if I were God, that is, and half the

time, I think I am) People talk so shallowly about a 'feast for the

ears' they should listen to this...it's like a meal with a thousand

flavors that blend perfectly...jarring the palate here, soothing it

there, always teasing, making you question the spices that go into it.

Fuck it, Zappa should have written a song for YOU. Spike Jones would

have been lucky to have been privileged enough to clip your toenails.

Okay, I give up...egg salad it is...but I make a really GOOD potato

salad, honestly. Nature demands balance. I just realized what is

happening. This morning I read a post from Sterno which was completely

sensible and was absolutely void of references to butt-fucking or

Vienna Sausages. This letter must be my natural response. "...nothing

could be better than impaling your intestines on a big rusty stake..."

How the HELL do you keep women from crawling all over you day and

night? Isn't cynicism like...a natural aphrodisiac? Jesus, I can whiff

it from HERE! You know, Netsurfer may suffer as a result of this, but

fuck 'em, they don't pay enough for me to care. Okay, where was I? Oh

yeah, Joe Newman is a God. Joe Newman has music coming out of his

pores. He drips music all over the carpet and leaves a nasty build

up...oops, end of CD....what was I saying?

I gotta switch to decaf.

***

Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually

Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.

Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.