Rant, Part 1

God, I hate Kathie Lee Gifford! There isn't enough acid in the world

for me to scrub her hide clean with. I'd eat her fucking children if

I could, while she watched. Then I'd fuck her husband til his heart

exploded...and while it throbbed its last beats, I'd rip it out of his

chest and force HER to eat it, with a fork, and a knife and a nice

little napkin on her lap. That plastic piece of pink excreta has gone

on long enough. Her smarmy Christian pursed lipped face should be

scraped raw with rasps. Her polyester fingerclaws should be ripped

from their housings and her fingers dipped in cider vinegar. I'd like

to rub Nair into her scalp and watch the look of shock and dismay as

she suddenly realized that she's really just another butt-ugly

menopausal cunt on the tube, and she really doesn't have JACK SHIT TO

SAY about the world at large. Yes, Kathie's really important...you

know where HER clothing line is??? That's right, Walmart! She names

charities after her brats,which surprises me. Who would have thought

that she'd be able to PRY her knees apart long enough to be

inseminated? She plants her bony ass on the cover of every fucking

magazine who'll pay her. And like it or not she's just the second

banana to the eternal irrantant, Regis Philbin...but that's another

rant... I hate Kathie Lee Gifford.

Part 2

You know..I love this state most of the time, but Okies are just plain

stupid sometimes. Why the HELL would they name every fucking airport

in the state after someone who DIED in a plane crash? Wiley Post..?

Died in a plane crash. Will Rogers..? HE died in the plane that Wiley

was piloting. Max Westheimer...? died in a plane crash. Shit, they

even have a street at Will Rogers airport named "Amelia Earhart Dr."

Of course I had to take my son, the fruit of my loins, my chance at

DNA immortality, to the airport today. Needless to say, it doesn't

inspire a buttload of confidence when everywhere you turn you see the

names of guys who died in planes.

A Rave (Because I can't help being the only Official Optimist

SubGenius, and I have to end on a positive note)

On the other hand...They don't have Braum's anywhere outside of

Oklahoma and Texas, so the rest of the world can kiss my cooter when

it comes to fresh dairy stuff. Every once in a while a company CAN do

a good job. I like Braum's. They own their own cows and they don't

give em growth hormone. Instead, they have indonesian native boys rub

them with holy oil sqeezin's and hire Manhattan Transfer to come sing

them to sleep. The milkers have to meet each cow's parents before he's

allowed to touch her teat. When they say their milk stays fresh for 7

days after the date..it fucking well does. Their ice cream is

great..and they do this thing called "breakfast yogurt" where they mix

plain yogurt with fresh strawberries and sliced bananas and

nuts..which is heaven for $1.50 tax included. Their hamburgers have

that flavor that only comes from Volunteers. No lines of tazer-stunned

cattle waiting for the sledghammer, NO..at Braum's they only take the

depressed ones. The cows who feel they have nothing further to live

for. As soon as they discover a bovine prozac, I'll have to stop

eating meat...the flavor just won't be the same. Until then, though, I

thank "Bob" for Braum's and Cappucino chunky chocolate frozen yogurt.

***

Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually

Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.

Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.