Mark and Brian, Sept 26, 2001

Transcription by Barbara, 
Special Thanks to Janey

Transcript of the Mark & Brian Show 9-26-01

M&B: 8 O'clock UPN tonight, it's an amazing thing; we're all really excited.

S: Hi fellas!

M&B: How are 'ya? It's been awhile.

S: I'm happy. I just noticed that you have these little spit protectors on your mike, and I don't have those.

M&B: You have a spongy thing there.

S: Yeah, but it's not the same.

M&B: We're the big-time deejays. You got spit in there.

S: Oh. That's right, I'm the guest! I got it!

M&B: Oh, he has spit-protector envy. Give Scott a spit protector.

S: I would have been here earlier, but I was circling the studio waiting for the air to clear. I have to follow fart jokes. What was that?

M&B: Biblical fart jokes.

S: Oh. Oh. I say again, "oh!"

M&B: I'm not even sure there's another actor that we can say we have worked with him, not once, but twice. We worked with this man, Scott Bakula, the first time was during QL, we had a call the other day, that episode re-aired the other night, they saw it, and then we worked with him again....

S: I like to think about that as YOUR episode.

M&B: Thank you, we carried it, as we always do. The corn-cob pipe.

S: Always a good choice.

M&B: And then again, was it Clive Barker?

S: It WAS Clive Barker.

M&B: The name of the film....uh....um....

S: I'm not going to help you out. You walked out in this hall all by yourself there, Sonny.

M&B: "Lord of Illusions"

S: I hope you don't have Clive on anytime soon.

M&B: Let me just say, that by this time, Scott and us are friends. We're standing there for this scene in this Clive Barker film, Scott and another actor are going to walk by us at a Magic Club. They go down the hallway, and we're going to be seen in the background. We're supposed to be admiring a painting, we have cocktails in our hands....

S: Was that her name?

M&B: Yes, so, we're standing there and we're taking this very seriously, and in the corner of my eye, I catch Scott just staring at us from the doorway he was supposed to walk out of, off-camera. And we're going, "OK, I'll hold the drink in my left hand, and why don't you give me some shoulder here, and that way we can effect...."

M&B: I wish this wasn't radio so you could see what I'm about to do, but Scott just went.... "oooh, (exasperated sound)". Just dropped his head in disgust. At one point during rehearsal, Scott walked by us and whispered, "Lighten up, boys, it's a movie." So we've worked with him twice, and now he returns to us....by the way, the movie that you did, and I don't know the name, the baseball movie...

S: ML3BTTM

M&B: That was really too good. It was just too good. Liked everything about it. Loved that movie. Who was the actor, he was in "Happy Days", he played your nemesis in that?

S: Ted.... Ted.... Ted McGinley.

M&B: Always fine work, but he went so far over the top. He was great. 

S: He was perfect, and there was nothing left to eat on that set. He had eaten it all. Ted's fantastic.

M&B: Some of his looks were hilarious; he didn't even need lines. "It's real!" Now what was your take on that movie after it was all said and done, were you pleased?

S: I loved the message of the movie, and the man that wrote it and directed it, John Warner, was really a great guy. When they called and said, "Do you want to do the third ML?" I said no and hung up the phone. And then they called a couple weeks later and said, "All we hear are great things about the script and the guy directing it is really great, will you just go meet the guy?" And I said no and hung... And then another couple days go by, and they say "just, please, go meet the guy." I met him, and he was fantastic. I said, let's see, go to South Carolina, Charleston, and play baseball for 10 weeks. Oka-a-y, and they're paying me, too! Take the family and live at the beach. Okay, in the fall, it was one of those great jobs. 

M&B: That thing were you get beaned by the ball in the back of the head... how loose did they have to make your glasses to fall off like that?

S: I don't remember if we actually made them loose or put a wire on them. We may have put a little.....Oh, gosh! Giving away another show biz secret! Oh, I hate that!

M&B: Plus, don't they put peanut butter under your lip to make it look like you talk?

S: That was Miss Piggy, I think.

M&B: All right, with that response to that question kind of brings us to this next one. You are going to, starting tonight, starring in the next Star Trek. When they made THAT phone call, understanding that this is four or five seasons deep now into one story line, was there any reservation on your part?

S: Well, the first instinct was "no." But it was quickly followed by "it's going to be a prequel." "You're going to be the first captain on the first starship to ever go out to leave this planet." And the carrot got a little bigger then. Well, the FIRST captain, well, that's a whole 'nother story! Cause they're like talking to the ego, there. I go, well, you know! People are asking me "how does it feel to follow Shatner?" And well, technically, he followed me! So the carrot got a little bigger. And I said, we'll see. And I was looking to be in business with.... the guys who run Paramount Television (two names) ran Universal Television when I was doing Quantum, so we go way back. I have a production company with them and we've been looking to do something together, and I said, let me see the script when it comes in. This was before the script ever came out. And then the carrot got a lot bigger because the script was fantastic. And I liked this character so much. The challenges when you're looking at something that's probably going to run a few years, is there going to be anything left? Is there a character you can have fun with a long time? And this guy definitely has enough problems that we can do something with it for a long time. 

M&B: Now is this also some of the ST people that have brought us ST over all these years?

S: That was the third piece of the puzzle, that I need to meet Rick Berman and Brandon Braga. I didn't know them; I'd heard nice things about them. But we're going to be talking a lot so I wanted to see how we were going to get along. And they're fantastic guys. Unbelievably collaborative. And my only other big concern was how, what was everybody's level of enthusiasm after all these years. Would it match mine? And that goes down to the crew and the creative people, the designers and everything. And again, being a prequel, everybody's so jazzed. You can't believe what they're doing. 

M&B: It has an element of excitement that's amazing.

S: Well, they're reinventing the wheel. The ship's new, the wardrobe's new, and the make-up's new, the sound effects are new, all the special effects are brand new. 

M&B: And there are students of the show that will tell you, "no, you can't go down the left hallway because that didn't exist in the first three seasons...."

S: Yes, but not anymore. They were starting to tell me stuff like that in the beginning, and I said, "No, no! no, no!" Said, "where do you think 'stun' would be on this phase pistol? There wouldn't be one." And I said, "no no no no. I'm telling you now, this little lever, this is stun." So, we're having fun with it that way. 

M&B: One of the reasons it's such a success over the years, is that each of the characters, it's an ensemble cast, is a microcosm of so many people. Tell us about the crew.

S: Well, there's six other regulars besides myself. My chief engineer is played by Connor Trinear, and he's a southern boy, got the whole (accent) thing going, and he's terrific. So he looks at everything with kind of a little southern twinkle. So he's great. And he and I probably have the most history, we've been on trips before, we have a relationship. My Vulcan science officer is a she. 

M&B: Mmmmmm.

S: Oh, we just lost him! He's gone! Shall we just go ahead and go to..... aw! 

M&B: Vulcan's been naughty; needs to be punished. Is there a special hallway for that? I've got a Vulcan grip; I'd like to get hold of her!

S: Okay, this'd be time for a cigarette! Anyway, she's great, and she has the unenviable task of playing a Vulcan. 

M&B: Is that her? (referring to magazine)

S: That would be Jolene. Jolene Blalock is her name.

M&B: Give her a little nipple grip.

S: She has a very....

M&B: Oh, my gawd! All right, we'll just take a pause. 

S: I WAS talking! But now that Maxim is on the table....and you know... meanwhile....

M&B: Let me ask you this....

S: This just became a reading show! You guys were talking about "dead air" before....

M&B: Well, we're just looking at her ni....... She's on the cover of Maxim; that's what we're looking at. In one of the movies, the Vulcan, once we discovered warp drive, a Vulcan ship came down and said, ok, now you're able to come into the brethren of space travel. This happens 150 years from now?

S: It's 2151 today. So the Vulcans have been on earth, and they've been educating us. They've been bringing us along. Our story is based on the fact that as they've been giving us information to build warp engines, and we're finally the first warp 5 engine to go out, which means that now we can seriously go....

M&B: So Vulcans are our friends here?

S: Well, not really. Well, they are and they aren't. Because they... my character's father.... what's great about this show, is that it's very much based here on this planet to start out with. I live in San Francisco, grew up in San Francisco, the opening sequence takes place in Broken Bow, Oklahoma, which is the title of the episode. So the Vulcans have been teaching us and giving us information but at their own pace. My father's an engineer; he's worked on the engine, and I'm basically a space brat, and I grew up in the system. So the Vulcans have... I'm not fond of the Vulcans because they had all the information; they chose not to give it to us in a timely fashion, and my father doesn't live long enough to see this first flight. So I'm not crazy about Vulcans. So our relationship on the ship is not very good. I'm kind of stuck with her. She's the science officer. 

M&B: So there's that sexual tension going on, 'cause she's a looker!

S: Well, no there isn't, because she A. is my science officer, and B. she's a Vulcan. And I'm not fond of Vulcans. 

M&B: Scott, actor's choice! Fine! Fine! 

S: That was the pilot. So then I have Anthony Montgomery is my helmsman and he's a very young, energetic, good-looking young fellow who's....

M&B: So there's sexual tension there.

S: Oh, yeah, actually the show's a very sexy show 'cause everybody... just in the pilot, though! He's a space boomer.

M&B: Captain, do you want to go swimming?
S: Anyway, he's a space boomer. He grew up in space on cargo ships. So he's spent very little time on earth. So that's his whole... he's got a whole... he's on tiny cargo ships that go warp 1.8. So he says, "Well, I spent the third, fourth and fifth grades trying to get from here to there." So that's his life. He's experiences, but he has a different slant on things. Linda Parks plays my communications officer. And she's this very young, brilliant dialectician. But it's her first time in space, so she's very excited. I trick her into coming, 'cause I play her a little Klingon, which she's never heard before. And that's part of our mission.

M&B: You "play" her a little Klingon?

S: Well, I have it on a tape recorder. She's in Brazil. And we have to leave quickly in the pilot. So I go down and I say, "Look, you gotta come." She says, "I can't; I'm in the middle of this thing. I can't come." And I say, I just play the little tape recorder and she's hooked. So she's fantastic. Dominic Keating is my tactical officer and he's a Brit, and Englishman who basically loves to blow things up. We gotta sit on him a little bit. Here go the humans into space.... "Let's blow them up!" So we're working on his personality flaw. And let's see, do I have all the guys, then we have John Billingsley, who plays the good Dr. Phlox. And Dr. Phlox is from somewhere else. We don't hear where he's from for about four episodes. If you've seen the he pictures, he's the one that looks a little bit like a lizard slash bird. So we have five humans, which is great because it makes the show very-much based in that end of the spectrum, and one Vulcan and one Denoblian (sp). 

M&B: You're telling me about the crew, and what you're saying that makes is to exciting is, it's just 150 years from now.

S: Yeah, you can start to get your mind around that.

M&B: But you have to be careful, I'm assuming, too.

S: Yeah, the notion is....

M&B: Is Dick Clark still alive?

S: We haven't talked about that yet. There is a chance. 

M&B: But you're right. With only 150 years, it has to be within the realm of believability. You can't go too far out.

S: Right. 

M&B: We have to take a break in a second, but, I wanted to also ask... This being on UPN, it's not one of the big three, or even four, networks. I'm assuming they're excited to have a quality show like this on their network. Have they been a little more workable than, say, NBC, CBS or ABC might have been more controlling. 

S: Well, the ST franchise has pretty much done their own thing for a long time. And that's it. They're thrilled. They've been wonderful. 

M&B: They're not allowed on the set.

S: Nobody comes on the set. Rick and Brandon, they're trusted generals out there.

M&B: No notes from the network!

S: I'm not saying that, but we never get the sense that there's a big not-thing happening.

M&B: It's just a trust.

S: Well, yes, and it would be a nice thing if some of the other networks would employ those ideas. We're "noted" to death these days.

M&B: When we were on the set of Next Generation....

S: Yes, LeVar's directing this week, and he says to tell you "hello." And he says those same lizard guys are coming back, and he wants you to play them.

M&B: No, thanks, no!

S: Oh, you guys!

M&B: We had to urinate using hot dog tongs. And that's just not good. It's not right.

S: Is that what they told you? Is that how they told you to do it? You fell for the old hot-dog routing, didn't 'ya?!

M&B: We were young; we needed the work. Anyway, when we were on the set, we met this guy. Can you imagine a dream job for this guy? He was a nerd. He was a trekkie, a trekker. He just knew everything. I don't even think he had a job. If it was, it was flipping burgers somewhere. But he knew everything about it. And they found this guy, and he was one of the technical directors of TNG. That's his job. Isn't that great? Can you imagine a dream job for that poor guy? He has to make sure it's all technically correct. Couldn't get laid to save his life, now he's like a Hollywood mogul. He's the guy. OK, we have to take a slight pause. We'll return, Scott Bakula....

S: What is the break thing?

M&B: We're 8 minutes late!

S: Oh! All right.

M&B: 'Cause you're so damn funny! We have to give you a rest 'cause you're tired. Let's just take a big dip and lay back (???). We'll be back.

S: No, you go with the rest of the crew, I'll just watch in my private video room.

M&B: Scott Bakula starring as the first captain. Are you... and I know the answer, because I asked you the same thing when you were doing QL, which was an hour-long filmed television show, which for anybody who doesn't know anything about the business, that is a long day. It'll take you, I don't know I'm guessing, 8 days to shoot one episode, of 14 to 16 hours every single day, you are the lead actor, so you are in most of the scenes, Were you ready to jump back on that bandwagon of working a lot like that?

S: Well, it was a concern for me, and one of the first things I did when I sat with Rick and Brandon, and they knew this was a concern, and they brought out some houred sheets of Kate Mulgrew's hours from the last couple of years to show me her working schedule in hopes of convincing me it wasn't going to be as good as I thought it was. Because my only frame of reference really was Quantum. And because Quantum, I was there everyday, I had 4 1/2 days off, I had 5 days off in 4 1/2 years. That was it. And every other day I was there from first shot to last shot. I had some fear. I have a lot bigger life now than I did back then. I was concerned, but having six other cast members to share the load with makes a world of difference. For instance, today, except I wanted to be with you guys, I don't have to work today. 

M&B: Oh, thanks for coming. That's nice.

S: No, I'm here doing this, and I'm doing some other promo stuff, and I'm looping, but I still ... this is a day I'd never have on Quantum. 

M&B: And, honestly, with creative construction as far as how they shoot the day.... It can be worked out where you get your stuff done and on someday, you be out by 3 or 4 then they'll save the other shoots for after you're done. As opposed to having you wait for 6 hours for one last shot.

S: No, they've been terrific that way.

M&B: Talk about your character as a captain for a minute. Kirk was the slut of the universe. Picard basically a monk. He maybe did it once, and that was under protest. What is....

S: "Slut of the universe?" 

M&B: What is Captain Archer like?

S: Well, he.... Kirk came out of a time when "slut of the universe" was okay. Everybody was doing the same thing. 

M&B: I want to sleep with that green one!

S: Yes. Plus, she had a miniskirt on, and those attractive go-go boots! And if all else fails, possibly a bee-hive. You get down with that, you know? And you better hurry, because once that bee-hive gets let-down, you never know what's going to come out of there, so.... No, so this guy, he is single, but it's a different kind of time that we live in now. We're kind of experimenting with that now. I think that the show's going to have a lot of sexy stuff in it. I KNOW it does, because we've shot a bunch of them. But it's not going to be that freewheeling a-girl-in-every-port kind of show that Kirk had. But nor is he going to be, you know, stiff about that. We're trying to figure out what's the right level for that. 

M&B: So it's like you're doing, and I love what you're doing, you're letting it evolve itself on its own.

S: Yeah, exactly, and we're talking about where the show's at, and what it means, in the reality of this universe, the whether Enterprise or ST, what it means to be the first humans to go out and represent humanity to a universe. And how are we going to behave? And we're not taking it too seriously, but they're great things story-wise and they're all the correct kind of stories for ST to be considering those kind of issues. And basically, as we've explored this planet and conquered on this planet, for lo these many centuries, we've not done very well most of the time. So here's an opportunity to kind of start fresh. In our world, we've cleared up war, famine and disease. So that's what we've done on earth by the time we take off and go out. That's a lot to be grateful for, and....

M&B: I forget who said it, could have been Whoopi Goldberg, could have been some great critic, someone of importance said, the reason why we love ST is because we've made it. We've made it this far. 

S: It's a positive outlook. It's a very positive outlook on what we've accomplished on this planet. And it's not a bad thing to shoot for. That's for sure. 

M&B: As an actor, you went from QL, which, as we said, was a long shoot each day, and four and a half, five years of your life, so as an actor, you go from that, playing the same guy every day for five years, then you move into the world of feature films, which was unique, I would think, because you read a a script, it's a different guy, it's a different story, and you get a chance to work on just that for maybe three months, and then you move on to something else. That must have been exciting. Was there any reservation of stepping back into the same guy, every day. 

S: There WAS a reservation, and there always is, and that's why I was very intent about talking to them about who this guy was, and what kind of a guy he was going to be. And he has some problems; I mean he has a chip on his shoulder, he quite often leads from his gut, as opposed to his brain, he's very emotional. He breaks rules, he's in people's faces, including his own superiors' faces about things. He can be irreverent at times, but at the end of the day, he's the kind of guy, I hope, that you want to be on his ship, 'cause you believe that he's going to get you... he'll lead you down the field, and score that touchdown with two seconds remaining all the time, and that's what you want. So he has enough problems and enough to work on, and enough challenges that I think we can keep this guy alive and interesting for a long time.

M&B: Just speaking of characters, you know, Kirk had Spock as a best friend and Bones as the rock between them. The relationships also made ST work.

S: Oh, yeah. 

M&B: Do you have your rock? Do you have the doctor?

S: No, the doctor and I have literally just met. I grab him out of a sick bay and say, "Are you doing anything? I gotta go!" And he's on. So we're getting used to him. But I guess that my closest friend again would be my engineer. Certainly I don't have that relationship with T'Pol. Then I've known my com officer for a period of time... Again, what's nice, those relationships are evolving. And we're kind of discovering who's going to be tight, and who's going to have problems with the other guy, and not like, and again, as a captain, in this particular incarnation, you get a sense that he's a captain, and somewhat alone in his captaincy. 

M&B: Was there some sort of rule by the production company, like let no pictures come out of this, because I want to see what the ship looks like. This is the first warp 5 ship.

S: She's a beauty. There've been pictures out. Actually, pictures got out sooner than they really wanted them to. There were pictures in TV Guide back in July, on the cover of a couple of Sunday-supplement-kind-of things in the last couple weeks. But the ship is beautiful. They went down to San Diego and spent some time on one of the nuclear subs and did a lot... borrowed a lot of design ideas from them. In fact, one of the guys from the sub just re-upped two or three weeks ago and he came up and he did it on the bridge. One of the guys had him on a tour there, and he brought everybody up and his superior officer and his family and his kids and they all got on the bridge.

M&B: Cool. Nicky, you're on the air. Good morning.

Nicky: Hi, M&B, Scott, I'm excited about the show. I was just wondering if Captain Archer was going to sing Sondheim tapes like he did back in 1980 in Washington DC?

S: Ha ha ha. Well, we don't know that yet, but certainly if the show runs long enough, I'm sure we'll be looking for things to do, and we'll have a whole musical episode or something. 

M&B: A captain that sings show tunes?

S: Yeah. Somebody said, "Oh, we're so excited, the captain sings!"

M&B: All right, Scott, here's a test for you.

S: Uh-oh.

M&B: What was the name of the character you played on Matlock in 1986, "Power Brokers Part 1"?

S: I don't have a clue.

M&B: Jed Palmer.

S: That's a good name! Sounds like a soap guy, though.

M&B: What was the name of the guy you played on "Designing Women"?

S: That's Ted. Dr. Ted.

M&B: Ted what?

S: Ted Shrively?

M&B: Yes, yes it is.

S: All right, one more, what was the name of the character you played on QL?

S: I can't remember.

M&B: 5 years and he can't pull that off! You can't have bad memories about that. I'm sure there were bad times, but that was such a great show, and it must have been, long hours not withstanding, so fun to do.

S: It was a blast.

M&B: And it still carries on to this day.

S: It does. It carries on.

M&B: Good thing, bad thing?

S: No, the only thing that's interesting about the world we live in now, is that you used to do a series, and when the series was over, there was maybe a syndication period, and then it was gone. And now, you're never gone. It's much harder to recreate yourself and distance yourself from the public eye than it used to be. So you can come back and have a new thing, and it's "gee...." whatever. We're held captive by that moment. 

M&B: There are some sitcoms that will continue by the virtue of the fact that they're funny, but that they become dated. But that particular show, because of the fact that you would make the leap every episode, everything works endlessly. Therefore, the span of time that that show will play in infinite.

S: That's is true. 

M&B: We'll take a call and then we'll take a break.

Caller: Ohmygawd, I was just saying, I can't believe he's on your show. If I were....(mumbled)

M&B: You can't tell by looking at him!

M&B: Oh, did you hear that last line? Say that again!

Caller: If I were wearing panties, they'd be wet. I mean, he just makes me (mumbles) (icky??). He's the best thing out there. 

S: (Imitating Groucho Marx) If I had a penny for everytime I heard that.

M&B: "If I were wearing panties I'd be wet." That was good. So you're excited about tonight, then?

Caller: I am so excited, I'm turning on my VCR and I'm recording everything. 

M&B: Why don't we do this? Why don't you give us your address, and Scott'll come over and give you a pickle tickle?

Caller: Excellent!

M&B: Listen, why don't you take some time and talk to Scott, because he's just sitting here listening to you speak.

Caller: Ohmygawd, I don't know if I could, I'd cry!

S: Well, don't cry, how 'ya doing, Ray?

Caller: You're so great! I've seen everything you're in! You deserve, like People magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year every year!

S: Oh, thank you.

Caller: I mean, you're awesome. And I am so excited about this whole ST thing and not only are you going to be the sexiest man of the world, but (of the galaxy???)

S: There 'ya go. Well, listen, I hope you like it. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. It's actually got a lot of humor in it, also. I'm glad you're going to be watching it. And tell everybody.

Caller: I will!

M&B: Have the producers come up with this idea... it's almost a no-brainer... you just want to take you hand and (smack) why didn't I think of this? I was a SToriginal fan, a NG fan, but then when it came to DS9 and V, I just wasn't into it. It's a little "been there, done that before." Gotta come up with more storylines. This is a brand new thing. You keep saying it's a prequel, and that's why it's going to work. I agree. That's why you got involved with it. It's a no-brainer idea. 

S: Well, I hope so. The other great thing I keep telling people is that you don't have to know anything about ST. So people that want to try it for the first time... I think that was the other thing about... it's a little daunting to all of a sudden tune in to Voyager and, I know for some people and some younger people that I've talked to, "well, I don't really know what's going on... I don't understand the language.... I don't feel like I know...." So they move off of it. But they can start from scratch with us. 

M&B: When you just said about people trying it for the first time, I had this vision of support groups, where Trekkies go, and if you go for the first time, you get up and "Hi I'm Mark, I'm a first-timer and...." Hi, Mark! And it's the Trekkies that make it kind of daunting. "Oh, really, you don't know what a 'Klingon' is?" Did you by chance see the movie "Galaxy Quest"?

S: No, I didn't. I heard it was fantastic.

M&B: You should, it's so so very funny.
M&B: Scott Bakula has been kind enough to stay and answer a few more of your phone calls. His new show, "Enterprise," airs tonight at 8pm on UPN. Todd, you're on the air with Scott, go ahead.

Todd: Good morning, gentlemen, and Scott, I have to tell you, I'm wearing tightie whities this morning and they're wet. You're so hot!

S: Now that's appreciated!

Todd: I have to tell you, Scott, that I was a big fan of QL, and you brought a real human aspect to that, and I'm looking forward to seeing that in "Enterprise." And my question for you is that, when QL ended, first of all for people that didn't see it, it ended with a bizarre episode, all of a sudden we were on some diner in the middle of space, or something weird like that, and directly after the show ended, I know there was a commitment from you and some of the other people that there was a possibility of doing a movie, or wrapping it up a little differently, just wondering if there's a chance... I know you're busy as hell with the show, but is there a chance we'll see another QL project?

S: Well, we had always hoped that. You have to understand that that last episode was an attempt by Don Bellisario to do four things with one script. We didn't know we were canceled at the time, so we had to provide a script that could go into another season, via cliffhanger, and also provide the opportunity that if we did get canceled, that there would be the chance for a movie or something down the line, to leave that door open. And potentially write the last script for the series that would be the final script. So when you look at it that way, he did a brilliant job at it. It was a bizarre episode, but when you think of it in those terms, it was an amazing episode.

M&B: And Rick, good morning, Rick.

Rick: Scott Bakula? You were awesome in QL. And I really enjoyed that. I was just wondering, now that you're gonna be "the man", the new man, is that centerfold you did for Playgirl five or six years ago, well, you know how all the ST memorabilia goes, you know, people pay all sorts of cash for that. Is your face going to be worth some money now?

S: You know, I don't know the answer to that, really. I guess it depends on if the show is any good and if people like the show.

M&B: Did you know that Scott did a centerfold for Playgirl? I don't think I knew that. Did you really?

S: Well, I don't think it was a centerfold. I think it was a ....

M&B: Were you all naked in there with wiener hanging?

S: Ha ha ha ha. I tell 'ya. Starting with the farts and ending with the wiener-hanging. This has been a good day for me. 

M&B: Well, were 'ya?

S: No, I wasn't. Okay? Yeah, under my clothes I was! 

M&B: Did you hear the defense for that? "No, I wa-a-sn't!"

S: "No, I wa-a-sn't!"

M&B: Say, are you circumcised or ant-eater? Are you an anteater, or are you...? I, my own self, am circumcised. "Circumcised or .... Anteater!"

S: ..."anteater!"

M&B: That's what it looks like.

S: Oh, you guys.

M&B: Let's move on, shall we? The last couple of guests we had, we screwed this up and we didn't play this game. Some of our guests came in prepared for this. We've never played this with you, I don't think.

S: And I've prepared for nothing!

M&B: You don't even know. So, here's what we'll do. Sometimes when we have a guest, we like to play "What's in their pocket." We like to take a guest, depending on the situation, and guess how much cash money you are carrying on your person. We'll make our guesses, then you pull out your cash. Cash only. We always try to factor in where you are in life, if you live here, are you traveling, are you doing a press junket, whatever. Frankie, you take the first guy.

Frankie: Well, Scott seems like a real balanced guy. Probably uses plastic a lot. So I'm going to do $150.

M&B: Priva?

Priva: I say $83.

Kelly: They don't really use money on the Enterprise, do they? I don't think they have much.

M&B: That's TV.

Kelly: That's OK. I think it's going to carry over. $47.

M&B: Okay, what do you think? Um... he's a local fella. But he's all about the cash. He likes to be liquid all the time. You never know when he's going to pop up in Vegas on an all-night drunk. I think that we're looking at....

S: Have you been following me?

M&B: I could be way wrong, because he's going to be either $400 or $1200. I'm going to go $00.

M&B: Well, that's good, because I'm going to go way more than that. I think he has a wad that won't quit in there.

M&B: Well, we just covered that!

M&B: Yeah, we just already have! "A wad that won't quit!" I'm going to say Scottie here has just under $1000 dollars. Like $900-something. Jay? Give a shout-out.

Jay Schwartz: I have $800 written, but I'm going to go even higher and say $1200.

M&B: $1200. There it is. Mr. Bakula, would you please pull out your cash....

S: Pull out your pants...

M&B: .... and let's see how much Scott Bakula....

M&B: Pull out one pocket at a time. We gotta have some music at one point, when they pull the cash out.

S: Here's one pocket.

M&B: Oh, you're not going to say you're too big to carry cash! The left pocket is empty; there's nothing there. He's moving to the right pocket.

S: Moving to the right pocket.

M&B: He might be one of those celebrities that don't carry cash. Okay, he's got some cash. He's got two dollars so far, rolled up. Wait a minute; we're not done. Now it's the... now he's going back into the same pocket. There's a little something there. Were you at a strip joint last night? Three dollars. Three crunched-up dollar bills. 

S: Wait a minute!

M&B: That was it? Your back pockets have nothing? You have three dollars on you?!! Good gawd, it's GOOD you got the Star Trek show! Did you tell him to do this? Ohmygawd, three dollars! Nobody wins.

S: That is very true!

M&B: Well, actually, Kelly with $47 was the very closest. Listen, dud, let me give you a twenty! You can't even go to Baja! Burger King would kick your ass out! Here's a twenty, man. Just for some gas money. You know, dude? You're a friend, and when a friend is in need, we come through. 

S: They don't trust me with money.

M&B: Just so you know, you have come closest to the only other person we had... we had Tom Jones, he was coming on the program, we had read before he got here, that he is worth half a billion dollars financially. And we asked him, and he said, "I'm not real sure; maybe around in there." 

S: Are you kidding me?

M&B: No, that's how much he's worth. And we played the game with Tom Jones. He had nothing on him, by virtue of the fact that he has people that carry that around for him. Plus, it made his polyester pants bulge. You have Jay. And three dollars. I think you should reflect on this moment here today.

S: Has Tom written a book that you can get, "How to Make Half a Billion?"

M&B: Can you imagine? 

S: I'd be like singing "What's New Pussycat?"

M&B: Scott Bakula is at a drive-through, right? They ask, "Would you like to supersize that?" And you hear this (making static noises)....

S: Wait a minute. I can understand that too clearly.

M&B: "No, thank you. I got the three and that's all I have."

S: And a cup of water.

M&B: Well, Scott, listen. As it is always, we were reminded today how much fun it always is to have you on the program. Always a super guest and a well-liked gentleman here. Tonight on UPN at 8:00, airs "Enterprise", the very first one. And word already has it, in fact you saw the review, three stars out of four in USA Today. 

S: That's what I heard. I heard that.

M&B: I love his reaction when I told him, he goes, "Only three?!" As it should be, though, as it should be. Congratulations on it; you're welcome back in here anytime at all. Jay, thank you so much. We wish you the very very best on this; it's going to be a quality.... IXNAY on the AJAY. I need a videotape. I need the show! Leave the "ublicist - pay" alone! Alright. Scotty, come back anytime.

S: Thank you. It was a blast.