Well, here it is. I've resisted for years (and years and years and years), but it seems that people are looking me up by typing my name into search engines, and coming up with all sorts of other sites that have my name on them. Some are things I'm involved in, some are things I've been quoted on out of context, and a few are just people who have no life, so they've decided to bother others as entertainment. So I've finally decided to put up this, a page so that you'll know you found the right guy, just on the off chance that you might be seeking me out in order to give me money. If on the other hand you're one of those aforementioned 'no life' types, please press the 'back' button on your browser now. It'll save you some stress.
Now, on to the show....
"I was born a poor black slave" - Steve Martin, The Jerk
Actually, I was born a small child. Then I got older and somewhat larger, and my hair turned gray. The rest is history. I've been everywhere except two places, and I plan to visit those soon. I really don't like New Jersey. Really.
I'm the guy that puts the little ones and zeros into the bytes, and ships them out. I used to be in charge of 'setting bits' (changing a zero to a one), but I got caught changing a zero to a two as a prank and was fired. You oughta see the sparks that come out of a Cray when it gets an overstuffed bit.
Ok, you caught me. I'm actually just a computer oldtimer, with much more experience than your average 100 net users combined. I bought an Apple ][ back when nobody had heard of them (better than 20 years ago at this count), and was a modem user back when 300 baud was considered 'high speed'. There wasn't an Internet- I predate the Internet. Matter of fact, I was here first, and they built it around me, like they do with old oak trees in cities.
PROGRAM - n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
I tell computers to do things, and occasionally they do it. It's all a part of my master plan to make the world a safer place for ice cream bars. Honest.
In this section, I'll throw out a whole bunch of stuff designed specifically to bother people who will find this page, then read it and say to themselves "now I know everything about this guy- I know all his interests". Fact is, most of this is stuff I have no interest in at all. I'm listing it because I find it funny when someone says to me "so, how about those <fill in random topic here>", and when I give them the blank look in response, they'll say "I know you're into that- I saw it on the Web". Basically if you think you know who I am from seeing stuff about me on the Web, you're not too smart- try not to prove it.
No, I'm not going to put up a
picture of myself here. No, I'm not going to put up any pictures of my
dog, family, car, boat, airplane, or anything else like that. Well, ok,
I'll put up one picture of a truck that I wrecked a few years ago, but that's
it- just one picture. No, I'm not in the picture- I was sitting on the
ground at the time, trying to decide if my arm was broken. BTW, I wasn't
injured badly- seat belts save lives.
There are plenty of other pictures of my dogs, airplanes, and me elsewhere on the Web. Likely there'll be more, which is even more tiresome. If you're dying to see what I looked like whenever whatever picture was taken, then by all means knock yourself out and find 'em. It'll give you something to do while you're waiting for a real hobby to seek you out.
Ok, ok- I suppose if you've managed to stick with it this long, and I haven't driven you off yet, you're probably some old friend from high school, or a lawyer who is trying to find a witness in a case against Cray filed by a worker who was mentally distressed during the infamous 'bit set to two' incident. Though I'm sure that it will up my spam intake by a factor of about 10,000, I begrudgingly add this to my page: aixsponsa@mindspring.com.
Now go home.