by Keyloafia Lemmons
Brooklyn, New York- In a last ditch effort to destroy the human race, Benji Fanni Tutti, misanthropist extraordinaire, has accused the entire human race of being idiots!
"Who else would come up with something as stupid as The Smurfs?" he lamented while drinking his sixth Diet Coke of the day.
Tutti claims that he released this statement after being subjected to a lifetime of subhuman behavior in St. Petersburg, Florida.
"You try it. Can you imagine a city in which everyone is fat, ugly, old, or a combination of those things?" He seethed. "Walk down a street in St. Petersburg. You will see the most obscene perversions of the human race imaginable. What comes to mind in particular is the house behind the Walgreen's on Ninth Avenue. Every day, day after day, there is a congregation of loathsome trash milling around drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon right out in the open, showing their withered parts through their poor choices in fashion. Every one of them is fat, most have no teeth. There is no avoiding this group of toads; they stand there and gawk at you as you drive by. I HATE them."
One would think that moving to New York City, Mecca of the Universe, would soothe BFT's frazzled nerves.
"It has to some degree," BFT says, calming down a bit. "But there are still traumas. Why, just yesterday I saw a fat woman actually wearing a white fringe jacket and matching boots! I asked her if she was aware how vulgar her outfit was, and she replied, 'I got me some class!' When I told her she was wrong, she spat at me."
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Lima, Peru-Little Pedro Lopez, stricken with cancer, fell head-first into his uncle's pond and would have drowned if it weren't for Chico, his uncle's prize-winning rooster!
"I knew that chicken was good for something," Juarez Gonzales said from the porch of his farmhouse. "To think of the times I almost cooked that chicken up for dinner."
It's a good thing he didn't eat the fast-thinking fowl.
"I seen the whole thing," Pedro's brother Filipe said. "It was weird like the chicken just sensed there was danger down by that pond and ran over there. Next thing I knew, he was flapping his wings and grabbing Pedro by the collar of his shirt. He saved my brother and I will always be thankful to that rooster."
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A shocking new study has linked being around babies with brain damage!
"We didn't want to believe it at first," said Dr. Yumi Watanabe of Tokyo's Pediatric Hospital. "But it appears that having to deal with babies on a daily basis causes people to suffer slight brain damage."
Dr. Watanabe suggests that if you wish to remain a healthy, fully-functioning adult, you should avoid having babies at all costs.
Discovers Cure for
Lots of BOOZE!
By Hentracka Yoshelfia
Atlanta, Georgia- The medical community was brought to its knees by Ms. Emily Porter when she released her finished report on the effects of alcohol: it cures stupidity!
"I've been trying to find the cure for stupidity for a long time," Ms. Porter said over a boilermaker. "I've been studying stupidity. You may be wondering what forced me to lend myself to this cause. Members Only jackets, Christians, people who say stinging insects 'bit them.' Human traits along these lines have offended me so terribly that I decided to devote my life to wiping them out," she said.
"I came to the conclusion that booze cures stupidity because I drink it all the time, as do all of my friends, and none of us would ever DREAM of wearing a Members Only jacket. It's perfectly obvious."
When asked what can CAUSE stupidity, Ms. Porter was adamant: Marijuana. "People who smoke pot are in danger of becoming the most foul creatures on the planet," she hissed. "Pot makes people lazy, idiotic and revolting. People who smoke pot should be killed."
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