Creative Football Cookie Round Up!
A quick fix for those unexpected guests!


You have some choices in your journey through Creative Football Cookie. Please feel free to make them.

For the story lover, we have compiled an impressive selection of short stories, perhaps fables, which all have moral and intellectual merit. Read them and cherish your health; learn from the mistakes committed by their protagonists.

For those interested in self-help, we have a collection of essays concerning various facets of modern living. If you wish to aid in the betterment of our society, read these and memorize them. Make it your goal to see one of these cardinal rules of living realized every day, even if it means killing and maiming to reach your goal. After all, if one life is sacrificed to make the world a more aesthetically pleasing place, then wasn't that death worth it? YES.


Society's Ills.

Stories to
live by.

About your
esteemed editors.

Yes! It's the new, improved version of Creative Football Cookie, that journal of grim jocularity written by people, much like yourselves, who loathe the majority of the human race.

CFC aims to destroy the smug attitudes of all people, be they yuppies or rednecks, and point out their flaws, inadequacies, bumblings, and character traits which are just plain BAD.

It's been quite some time since we updated Creative Football Cookie. "Why, Why?" we have heard our fans cry out in unison across the globe. Well, it's very simple - we're lazy as hell. So, after six or seven years, we're finally getting around to updating this mofo because, let's face it - there's a hell of a lot more out there to hate these days than there was in 1997. For example:

  • George W. Bush, who is one of the most ignominious simpletons ever to worm his way into power. Anyone who can't pronounce the word NUCLEAR has no business being in public office. George - it's NOO-KLEE-AR, not NOO-QUE-LAR. There is no excuse for pronouncing it in this fashion - take a look at its spelling. There is no room for argument here. Moron. As Squeaky Fromme said of Gerald Ford, "He's not a public servant." She was right then, and she's right now. This turd is out for one thing and one thing only - money. He must be banned.
  • Next we move on to cellular telephones. Now, the devices themselves are fine - everyone needs one for emergencies. However, the obnoxious trend to have one glued to your ear at all times, not saying anything, listening to God only knows what, is annoying for so many reasons - first of all, it makes people walk slower, concentrating on the inane banter that's going on rather than trundling to their destinations. Secondly, apparently people feel that, since they're on a cellular telephone, they have license to stop wherever they want to - at the foots of escalators, on the stairs to the subway, anywhere. Bludgeoning is too good for these morons. Then, the most pernicious of all, is the new "walkie talkie" cellular telephone that forces everyone within a ten-mile radius to listen to the jackass conversations of these losers. On the elevators, in the street, in restaurants, movies, anywhere - these rude bastards blather away about what "Katyeara said" or whatever. They're called phones for a reason - they have an earpiece for a reason - the walkie talkie function was created to make status-conscious people feel the need for some new accessory to prove to the world that they have money to buy the newest contraptions. There is no merit to this function on a cellular telephone, and people who use it should be executed swiftly and without mercy.
  • Since we're on the subject, we can't pass up the opportunity to comment on urban clothing trends. Where are these people coming up with their outfits? Hobos dress better! T-shirts that are so long they could easily be transformed into dresses, baseball hats pulled so far down over their eyes that they have to tile their heads backwards to see, ugly, UGLY prints of basketball logoes, disgustingly tinted sunglasses that look as if the Bugaloos designed them, hiking boots that still have the tags attached, pants that are at least a foot too long, faux-Fendi or Gucci clothes that we're quite sure would make the actual designers kill themselves, HIGH-HEELED sneakers, leg warmers, headbands, turned up collars on polo shirts - the list goes on and on. MTV is personally responsible for this degradation and they should be punished. It seems that MTV's primary mission in life is to make sure that young people talk, dress and act like slovenly buffoons who wouldn't even be able to hold down a job at McDonald's, much less be the future of our country. And cornrows should have been banned years ago.
  • Reality television. "The Real World" started it all - again, MTV's fault - and now we are subjected to hour after hour of the most insipid horseshit ever to come out of the entertainment industry. It's as if the collective world has lost all sense of creativity and wonder and now we have to watch brain dead whores wonder why they didn't get to have sex on their first "blind date" with some misogynistic ass clown who dumped them for a whore who was easier to bed within the first fifteen minutes. On and on and on the list of these idiotic programs goes, and there is no end in sight. Even PBS, the former bastion of intellectualism, has its own reality shows. They're cheap to produce, anyone can star in them, and they ALL suck, especially "American Idol." The music industry was in enough of a slump, and now we have to put up with this nonsense. These no-talent goons get their record contracts by NOT sucking as much as the rest of the jackasses who warble out their insipidity for the entire world to watch, and then we are forced to read about and look at them for the rest of our lives. Clay Aiken should have been drowned at birth and now he's a national celebrity. Our question is this - why do we as people feel so fascinated by watching these toads make fools of themselves on national television? Sit-coms were bad enough.
  • It's clear - society is collapsing around us. Idiots run our country, idiots elect the idiots who run our country, and there is apparently no hope for change because Americans are too busy sitting their fat asses in front of the television and gorging themselves on Hot Pockets to think about anything at all. Fighting the idiocy is our only hope. Every one of them must die.

Creative Football Cookie Lite!
Modern Brain Food for Swingin' Swappers!
blow your nose Every day brings some new form of terror for which we must strengthen ourselves, breathe deeply and move on, trying not to focus too hard on the atrocity we've just witnessed. All we ask is that the human race follow certain rules that will enable those of us who are not content to trundle around in flip-flops and spandex to go out in the open without feeling trapped in the Vortex of Doom.

We call to all others with senses of decency to lash out against the insipidity which is rampant in our world today. If you see someone who is offensive in any way, don't be afraid to let your feelings be known through either a tactful, "Excuse me, sir, but you're repulsing me; could you please go stand over there?" or the more popular, "Fuck off, scumbag!"

You may be one of us if you:

  • Are so misanthropic that you can't sleep at night thinking about the fact that you have neighbors.
  • Want to detonate corporations and anyone who thinks they are a good thing.
  • Envision carrying bazookas and using them liberally on things that offend you.
  • See babies as the fat balls of drool they REALLY are, not as cute pre-adults.
  • Fear that murder will become reality when passing anti-abortion picketers.
  • Feel no pity for the morbidly obese - if they'd lay off the dang hoagies, they wouldn't be so fat.
  • Realize that the old who look wise and serene may just be dull.
  • Think the world would be better off if humanity were extinct.

shove it in

Creative Football Cookie
Last updated October 11, 2004
All written material is ©copyright Benjamin Harper and/or Emily Porter unless otherwise stated. Stealing it for your own gain will not only prove that you have no talent of your own, it will also cause you to die a horrible death. So try it if you dare.

Karen: we LOVE her!
Yes, it's true. The editors of CFC DO like a lot of things. We don't want you to think that we're nothing but a bunch of sour grapes. We thought we'd take this opportunity to share a few of those things with you, our esteemed readers.

What we love:
1) Kenneth Anger
2) Siouxsie & the Banshees
3) Spackle
4) Pugs
5) Karen Carpenter
6) Lynda Barry and all the
wisdom she exudes
7) Amy Sedaris
8) Graham Norton
9) The return of the Zombie movie
10) Leslie Van Houten
11) Jack T. Chick
12) Hurricane season
13) Darth Vader
14) 1970s Horror comics
15) Rozz Williams,
May he rest in peace
16) Ignatius Reilly
17) Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone

Death to pigs!

18) The Adventures of Pete and Pete
19) Gale's Central Club - Petaluma, CA.
20) John Waters
21) The name "Pam"
22) Jason Voorhees
23) David Lynch
24) Cocteau Twins
25) B-grade Science Fiction
26) Ultraman
27) Pixies!
28) Sexploitation radio spots
29) Todd Haynes