Before you travel on this safari, please read these
- There is a reward being offered for finding the remains of the search
party that was looking for our last expedition.
- All travellers must be photographed and fingerprinted prior to travel.
This will make it easier to identify your remains in the event of a mishap.
- Sidearms are advised for all travellers. The natives in this region are
all cannibals that cook their food live. The sidearm is faster, in the event
you are captured.
- The four inch ants you will encounter are called "24 hours" by the
natives. That is because their bite will put you in agony for 24 hours.
Avoid them at all costs, and be aware that they WILL chase you.
- If attacked by safari ants, dive into the river. Piranhas take only 7
minutes to devour you. The ants take 30 minutes.
- Stay in a large, heavily armed group at all times. Predators are
constantly stalking our groups, waiting to pick off stragglers (not to
mention natives looking for a "snack").
- The weather forecast every day is stifling heat and humidity, followed by
torrential rain, then stifling humidity at night. It will be impossible to
light a fire to dry out after the rain - anything that would burn will be
saturated with water.
- Those allergic to insect bites should not travel, as we will encounter
swarms of bees, wasps, and hornets - not to mention 50 species of mosquitos.
- Do not pick up any of the brightly colored frogs that you see. Their
skin is venomous and causes death in seconds. This is, however, a desirable
method of escape if the safari ants catch you.
- Although there is no record of spiders eating human beings, carry a large
knife with you at all times, as the average human cannot break free of their
- Carry drinking water with you, as all of the water you will encounter
along the way contains deadly parasites.
- Do not stand within 30 feet of ponds or rivers. Crocodiles can grow to
35 feet and can move at 30 miles per hour.
- All snakes you will encounter are either poisonous or man-eating
- Avoid touching native vegetation. Many plants will cause severe skin
irritation, or have large, sharp, poisonous thorns.
- Do not eat any native fruits. Many of them contain deadly poison.
- Those with open cuts or sores should not travel. A native species of fly
will lay eggs in the wound, which will hatch into live-flesh eating maggots.
Gasoline has proven to be a painful, but effective way of driving them out of
- Do not sleep on the ground. A native species of beetle will crawl in
your ear, and lay eggs. When the maggots hatch, they will eat their way into
your head, causing unbearable pain. Use your sidearm at the first signs!
- The monotony of the vegetation, combined with heat, humidity, and insect
irritation has driven many people mad. Be prepared to shoot fellow
travellers who become a danger to the survival of the group.
- Camera and other electronic equipment will corrode within hours if not
packed in an airtight housing.
- Film will be attacked by fugus in hours if not refrigerated.
Thank you for your kind attention to these few brief announcements. I
hope your trip will be the adventure you seek. Feel free now to
join your safari group!