| David Vest | |||
| The O.J. Economy | |||
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I dreamed I saw O.J. Simpson on
television. Right there on my set. Incredible. Will this
guy never go away? As I frantically fumbled for the
channel changer, somewhere down among the sofa cushions,
O. J. began the most amazing speech I have ever heard. "Hi,
I'm O. J. Simpson. I know you're sick of me, but hear me
out. Folks, I'm strapped for cash. As in busted. I've got
debts no honest man can pay. Plus expenses you wouldn't
believe. That's why I'm making you this special offer.
For a limited time only, if enough people send me $1, I
promise to go away. That's right. Just $1, and you'll
never hear from me again. You don't even have to use a
stamp or an envelope. Just call 1-900-BYJUICE, wait for
the beep, hang up, and I'm outta here for good. The
charges will appear on your phone bill. I know it sounds
too good to be true, but this is your chance to get rid
of me -- once and for all. No more interviews. No more
golf tournaments. Nada. Don't let this opportunity go by.
All I need is for three million people to pick up that
phone right now. The more the better. Make that call, and
I guarantee you've heard the last of O. J. Simpson."
Granted,
I had been taking some powerful anti-histamines, but I
was spellbound. At first I thought it was some weird
joke, but as my head cleared it all began making perfect
sense to me. I
am convinced that O. J. should actually make this offer.
For one thing, it would be infinitely more attractive
than paying to watch him mumble some answers on a lie
detector test, and possibly even more lucrative. Have you
ever actually watched a lie detector test? Boring! For
another, I believe millions of people would gladly pay
one dollar to get rid of O. J. No doubt some would even
pay as much as two dollars. And I have no doubt
whatsoever that O. J. would take the money. Personally, I
could care less what he did with it, as long as I didn't
hear about it. The
funds could all be put in escrow, with the bulk of it
held in reserve. O. J. could draw on the rest, and if at
any time he showed his face in public, that great sucking
sound would be his account being instantly drained and
forwarded to a hit man or the IRS, whichever is legal. This
is an idea that could extend far beyond O.J. The public
could pay Michael Jackson and Celine Dion not to make any
more records. Think of how much money the American people
might be willing to pay George W. Bush and Al Gore NOT to
run. They should act fast before Ross Perot gets wind of
this idea. Instead
of the Designated Hitter, baseball could have the
Designated Sitter. The likes of John Rocker could simply
be hired to stay off the baseball field. Much better than
having him become a stockbroker! I wouldn’t give him
a dime for his financial advice, but I'd put up real
money to have him get lost. Someday, some unknown Ricky
Henderson could even eclipse Ripken's record, sitting out
3,000 consecutive games, or something. Georgia's
Flannery O'Connor said, "Many a best-seller could
have been prevented by a good teacher." This plan
goes far beyond her idea. We could just pay our "favorite"
writers to quit writing books we don't like. Authors like
Martha Stewart could make millions. Not as much as Rush
Limbaugh would earn, but nothing to sneeze at. Skeptics
and naysayers may deplore the rise of a bribe-based
economy. There will always be people who "view with
alarm" whenever anyone advocates progress. Hey, if
they don’t like my suggestion, let them put their
money where their myth is. Silence is golden. Whichever
side of the issue you come down on, couldn't we debate it
better with O. J. out of the way? And if O. J. goes, can William Shatner be far behind? |
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