Laura was livid. "You say one
word about a honeymoon and you're dead meat!" she muttered in
"Whatever you say, Darling,"
Remington said, refolding the license and putting it back in his
"And don't call me Darling!"
Laura threatened under her breath as she spiked his foot for added
Remington couldn't help it; he
yelped and grabbed his foot. Suddenly, the flashbulbs were once
again pointed at the newlyweds and a million questions were fired
at them. Laura felt faint.
Remington, seeing Laura's sudden
paleness, quickly put his arm around her for support. "Gentlemen,
please! My new bride and I would like to be on our way. We do have
a honeymoon to attend to."
Remington knew it was coming, but
there was nothing he could do to stop it. He just did his best to
stifle a scream and kept smiling through the pain in his
"However, first we'd like to see
our old friend Justice Albert Hall and tell him the good news.
Could someone tell us where we might find him?"
"There he is!" exclaimed the
bailiff, pointing to a short distinguished looking man around 65
with salt and pepper hair who was standing near the rear of the
Seeing the crowd turn in unison
and stare at him caused Justice Hall to run for his life.
"Stop that Justice!" Laura yelled
as she and Remington fought their way through the crowd and took
off after their prey. Suddenly this case had become very
Justice Hall ran out a rear exit,
through an alley, over a fence and through a construction site. He
was quickly out of breath and losing his lead. Laura and Remington
both made a flying leap and tackled him, tumbling the three of
them into a large puddle of mud and slime. The newly married
detectives quickly gained control of the situation and collared
"Well, Justice Hall or whatever
your name is, what do you have to say for yourself?" Laura
demanded angrily as she yanked on his collar.
Justice Hall grinned sheepishly
and said, "Congratulations on your recent marriage?"
"Wrong answer!" Laura croaked as
she shoved his head back under the muddy water in disgust,
splashing herself and Remington even further in the
Remington, already covered from
head to foot with muddy water and gunk, tried to brush the muddy
sprinkles from his ruined suit. He then looked up at Laura and
broke into a lop-sided grin. "Well, look at the bright side,
Laura. At least you aren't wearing white!"
Laura seriously considered
drowning him. Remington saw that murderous look in her eye and
considered himself a lucky man that the police chose that moment
Justice Albert Hall made a full
confession at Police Headquarters. The real Albert Hall had died
suddenly just two weeks after accepting his new position at the
L.A. county courthouse. Because no one at his new office had seen
him, two of his less than scrupulous cousins had agreed on a
Cousin #l had posed as Justice
Hall and falsely married unsuspecting couples. Then Cousin #2 had
notified the mortified newlyweds that their marriages weren't
legal. For a monthly fee, the cousins promised to keep the illegal
marriages quiet. Most couples were willing to pay rather than have
it known that they had been living together without the benefit of
a real marriage. Justice Stuart Bailey had been totally unaware of
"Albert Hall's" unscrupulous doings and was merely filling in when
his fellow Justice was delayed.
A tired and disgruntled Remington
accepted a ride home in a police car later that afternoon. Laura
was none too pleased with the arrangement. Even though she was
sitting as far from Remington as possible in the back of the squad
car, he pulled her close and put his arm around her
She allowed him this privilege,
but sat angrily with her arms tightly crossed. "I don't know why
we couldn't have taken the Auburn," Laura argued.
"We just had the Auburn
reupholstered, remember? Besides, this way we can sit back and
enjoy the ride; maybe even get a head start on the honeymoon,
"Forget it, Buster!" Laura
"Yes, of course. I guess you're
right. We are a bit disheveled at the moment," Remington agreed.
"What we need is a nice hot shower..."
"Wrong! What you need is a nice *
cold *shower!" Laura countered as she held her arms even
"In the meantime, I guess I'll
have to make do with the cold shoulder, eh?" Remington
Remington caught Officer Harry
Lime's grinning reflection in the rear view mirror. "Arguing is a
big turn on for my lovely wife," he explained with a grin, quickly
jerking his foot aside. But unfortunately Laura changed her
tactic; she jabbed an elbow in his ribs instead.
Their police escort soon
deposited a mud caked Laura and Remington on Rossmore Avenue in
front of Remington's apartment building. Laura put up a front of
being the happy bride until Officer Lime was out of sight. Then
she quickly shoved Remington's arm from her shoulder, angrily
turned and stormed into the building. Remington had to hustle to
keep up with her. Neither of them spoke in the elevator or while
Remington unlocked the door to his apartment. Laura quickly pushed
past him with every intention of locking herself in the
She was surprised when he grabbed
her arm and pulled her back into the corridor.
"What are you doing?" she
sputtered as Remington swept her off her feet and into his
"I'm carrying my new bride over
the threshold," Remington explained. "After all, the neighbors may
Once inside, Remington kicked the
door shut with his foot and Laura quickly scampered out of his
"We'll have to put out a
Disturb sign," Remington
said good naturedly.
"You're enjoying this, aren't
you?" Laura asked testily.
"Well, you must admit, it's a
unique situation with, uh, interesting possibilities," Remington
explained. "Puts an entirely different spin on the concept of
mixing business with pleasure, doesn't it?"
Laura took a deep breath and
threw up her hands. "I can't handle this right now. We'll talk
about it later. All I want to do right now is take a shower and
get into some fresh clothes."
"Hot shower or cold?" Remington
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
Laura asked as she turned and sashayed into Remington's
He heard her rummaging through
his closet before finally slamming the bathroom door. In an effort
to placate Laura, he gave Mildred a quick call at the Agency and
asked her to bring Laura some suitable clothes from her loft.
Then, realizing he headache he hadn't even realized he had was
getting worse, he took some aspirin and pulled back the covers on
his bed. Spreading an old blanket from the closet over the sheets,
he stretched out across the bed for a short nap.
A short while later, a refreshed
Laura emerged from the bathroom wearing Remington's blue silk
robe. She plugged in his hair dryer at his dresser and began
drying her hair.
Remington awoke with a start. He
crawled out of bed, deposited the muddy blanket on the floor and
walked over to Laura.
"Oh, I approve!" he said
seductively, a big grin on his face. "Just give me a few minutes
to, uh, freshen up and we can start fulfilling a few fantasies.
After all, this *is* our wedding night, Mrs. Steele."
"Mr. Steele, let me remind you
once again. Ours is a purely professional relationship. The fact
that we are married in no way changes anything. The only thing
you're getting tonight is the cold shoulder, remember?"
"Umm, only too well!" Remington
Laura stood, put down the dryer,
placed her hands on Remington's shoulders and pushed him into the
bathroom. She then returned to the dresser and resumed drying her
hair. In the mirror, she saw the bathroom door open slightly as
Remington's muddy clothes came flying into the bedroom. Noticing
he had left the door ajar, she decided it would serve him right if
he caught a chill.
She quickly dried and styled her
hair. She was trying to decide which of Remington's clothes she
should change into when the doorbell rang. She hesitated at first,
but finally decided the only way to stop the irritating buzz was
to answer the door.
No sooner had she opened the door
than a horde of loud reporters and photographers forced their way
living room. Laura couldn't
believe the questions she was being asked.
"How long have you and Mr. Steele
been an item?"
"Why did you get married so
suddenly? Is there a baby on the way?"
"Have you and Mr. Steele ever
mixed business with pleasure during business hours?"
"Did Mr. Steele hire you for your
secretarial skills or was he merely attracted to you
The mob kept crowding closer and
Laura kept backing away until finally everyone was standing in the
"What's all the bloody racket?"
Remington hollered as he emerged from the bathroom clad only in a
Laura turned several shades of
red. The reporters suddenly realized they were standing in
Remington's bedroom. Their eyes went from Laura, wearing
Remington's silk robe, to the rumpled bed covers, and then to
Remington, dressed only in a very skimpy towel. The implications
were only too clear (though maybe not completely accurate.)
Everyone started talking at once
as flashes of light filled the room, blinding everyone..
Remington quickly regained his
composure. "Gentlemen, please, as you can see, my blushing bride
and I are not exactly dressed for a press conference. So if you
Everyone started to grumble, but
they did turn and head for the door.
"Wait! I have an important
announcement to make!" Laura suddenly blurted out.
The mob quickly turned and
anxiously awaited her news with baited breath.
"Wait, please! I have something
to say. This morning, Mr. Steele and I..."
Remington suddenly dashed across
the room and embraced Laura in a big bear hug, pinning her arms to
her sides. "What my lovely bride means is that after years of
working together on a very intimate basis, we decided to throw
caution to the wind and tie the knot!"
Laura began struggling. When she
managed to free her arms, she began hitting Remington's
"Let go of me!" she yelled as she
continued to struggle and attack.
Remington picked Laura up and
threw her over his shoulder. She protested loudly, slapping his
bottom. Remington laughed as he in turn affectionately slapped
Laura's squirming bottom. The flashbulbs were still going crazy.
Everyone was seeing spots.
"If you will excuse us, we still
have a honeymoon to conduct!" Remington explained with a laugh.
Still patting Laura's bottom, and making a valiant effort to
ignore the fact that she was forcefully pinching his, he staggered
into the bathroom and locked the door.
The mob could hear Laura yelling,
"Put me down! What are you doing to me?" That was followed by a
strange pounding noise.
Then the mob was distracted by a
loud authoritarian voice.
"OK, you dirt bags-- out! And I
mean on the double! MOVE IT!"
After a few shoves to show she
meant business and a few threats to ram someone's camera down
their throat, the mob did as ordered and exited on the
Mildred and a tall attractive
woman in her early thirties were soon the only ones left in the
"I'm sorry, Miss Becker. They
think that just because inquiring minds want to know, they can
crash anywhere. The sleaze balls."
"I understand. I just appreciate
you bringing me to see Mr. Steele on such short notice."
"I figure if Immigration wants to
see the boss, it must be important," Mildred explained.
Mildred and Miss Becker stood
staring at the locked bathroom door for several minutes. They
could still hear the pounding sound.
"They appear to be, uh... right
in the middle of... something," Mildred explained, embarrassed.
"Why don't we wait in the living room?"
"Good idea," Miss Becker agreed
quickly, relieved to leave the bedroom.
Mildred made sure she closed the
door behind them.
Meanwhile in the bathroom, the
pounding slowly ceased. Laura, standing behind the sliding glass
doors of the tub, had grown tired of banging. Remington still held
tightly to the door, afraid it might be a trick. His towel was by
now slightly askew.
"Feeling better?" Remington
Laura ignored him.
"Promise to behave yourself if I
let you out?"
There was a long beat before
Laura finally said, "I promise."
Remington cautiously slid the
shower door aside and offered his hand to help her climb out of
the tub. She jerked her hand away and stood fuming, her crossed
tightly over her chest.
Remington pushed her down by her
shoulders onto the commode. "Now, I know we have a problem here.
But just blurting out the truth to the press on the spur of the
moment is not the solution. We fouled up by not being sure we had
cornered the right man. Obviously, we let our personal feelings
interfere with our professional judgment on this case."
Remington paused to assess
Laura's reaction so far. She merely nodded.
He continued. "We need to
carefully consider what to tell the press so that we don't come
out of this with egg on our face. Agreed?"
"Agreed," Laura admitted
"Now, I suggest we get a good
night's sleep and tackle this problem again in the morning when
we're both fresh. How about if I fix us some dinner?" Remington
asked. "Like maybe some rice?"
Laura picked up a handy bar of
soap and threw it at Remington. Luckily, he anticipated her move
and ducked in the nick of time. Grinning, he opened the door and
walked into the bedroom.
Laura followed him, ready to
extract some sweet revenge. "Uh, Mr. Steele, you're slipping,"
Laura explained with a sudden grin.
"What?" Remington asked,
Laura pointed to his towel with a
grin. He looked down and quickly adjusted the problem. Laura was
delighted that finally he was experiencing some embarrassment. She
greatly resented the fact that he actually seemed to be enjoying
Just then the phone rang.
Remington gave his towel one final adjustment as he crossed the
room to answer it, but Mildred quickly picked up the extension in
the living room and answered before he could speak into the
receiver. After listening for a minute, he covered the mouthpiece
and turned to Laura, who was standing beside him.
"It's your mother," Remington
"Oh, no," Laura muttered feeling
"Mildred's telling her about our
marriage," Remington explained further. "To say Abigail is
thrilled would be putting it mildly."
"Oh, no," Laura repeated, feeling
even sicker. She collapsed on the bed.
Remington listened a few seconds
longer and then hung up. "Mildred promised we'd call just as soon
as we have a chance," he explained.
Just then they heard a knock at
the bedroom door. Remington sympathetically patted Laura on the
back before crossing the room to answer it.
Mildred was standing there with
Laura's suitcase. "Here are some of Miss Holt's clothes,
"Thank you, Mildred," Remington
said as he took the bag. "Do we, uh, still have company?"
"Yes, you could say that. Her
name is Estelle Becker and she's from the Department of
Immigration and Naturalization. She heard about your wedding and
called the Agency to speak with you. Said it was real
"Immigration and Naturalization?"
Remington repeated nervously. "Do you, uh, know what she
"She wouldn't say. But I don't
think it's just to offer her congratulations, if you know what I
"Ok, tell her I'll be out as soon
as I make myself presentable."
"Good idea," Mildred said. "I
don't think she's the type of person you greet in a towel."
Remington forced a grin and
closed the bedroom door.
A few minutes later, Remington
and Laura emerged in more appropriate attire. Remington was
wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. Laura had been less than pleased
to find that Mildred had only packed four new, very skimpy
negligees in the suitcase she had brought over. After quickly
perusing Remington's extensive wardrobe, she had finally settled
on a blue shirt and a pair of jeans, held in place by a striped
tie. Remington had tried his best to convince Laura to let him
handle Miss Becker by himself, but Laura had heard enough of his
conversation with Mildred to know that this was one meeting she
didn't dare miss.
They were their most charming as
Mildred made introductions. Then Remington made one final
desperate attempt to get rid of Laura.
"Why don't you fix Miss Becker
some tea, Darling?" Remington told Laura. "Her throat must be
gotten awfully dry after waiting for us to change."
Laura gritted her teeth, but
managed to keep smiling.
"That's really not necessary,
Mrs. Steele," Estelle explained. "But I do feel that what I have
to say should be kept between the three of us."
Everyone stared at Mildred,
waiting for her to take the hint.
"Oh, uh, if you'll excuse me, I
have a very special wedding present to shop for," Mildred
explained as she stood up. "I'll just, uh, let myself out. Don't
bother to get up."
Speedy good byes were
Remington swallowed hard and
settled back on the couch, trying to prepare for the worst. Laura
sat nervously beside him. He casually put his arm around her
shoulder, unconsciously looking for support. Remington wouldn't
admit it, but he was very nervous.
Laura sensed his uneasiness and
moved closer in an effort to offer him the support he needed. She
may have been upset, but the bottom line was that she cared very
deeply for the man beside her.
"Now, Miss Becker, exactly how
can we help you?" Remington asked.
"First, let me offer my
congratulations on your marriage. I can't tell you how happy I was
when I heard the news."
"I don't quite understand what
effect our marriage could have on you, Ms. Becker," Remington
said. "I don't believe we've even met before, have we?"
"That is true enough, Mr. Steele.
But I was assigned to your case recently and though your marriage
doesn't concern me personally, it does concern my job."
"My case?" Remington asked with
"Yes. You see, you were brought
to our attention shortly after the Hapsburg Dagger case in
Cannes," Miss Becker explained.
"Ah, yes! Cannes!" Remington said
as he shot Laura a dark look. "I remember it well."
"The event received some
publicity here in the States and our department ran a routine
passport check. At that time, we discovered that Remington Steele
had never left the United States--that instead, a Michael O'Leary
had accompanied Ms. Holt and Ms. Krebs to Cannes."
Remington definitely felt ill. He
had a sudden urge to run, but he was unable to move. He became
aware of Laura's hand over his and drew some courage from her
"Go on, Miss Becker," Laura
encouraged, realizing that Remington was in no condition to speak.
Her Man of Steele was definitely nervous--his hand was even
"Further investigation provided
even more disturbing news. You're not an American, are you, Mr.
"He's Irish, but he's spent a
great deal of his life in England," Laura interjected.
"Mr. Steele, there is no official
record of you ever entering this country. You never applied for
nor received a passport. You do not even appear to own a passport
in your own name. In other words, you are in this country quite
Remington felt his world
crumbling. He could think of no response to Miss Becker's
accusation. His hour of reckoning had arrived and he knew he was
totally at Miss Backer's mercy. He felt Laura squeeze his hand. If
ever he was grateful to have Laura by his side and on his side, it
"Exactly how does this new
knowledge about Mr. Steele effect us, Ms. Becker?" Laura asked.
She realized there was no use in trying to deny anything. It was
best to face the music in a straight forward manner and try to
work out a solution.
"As you know, this is a very
serious matter, Mr. Steele. You very likely could have found
yourself being deported."
"Deported?" Remington croaked.
"Surely there must be some other way to handle the
"Mr. Steele, I've been a great
admirer of yours ever since you first opened your agency. You
provide a great service for our
city. It would have given me no
pleasure to see you deported. And that was a very real
possibility, until today."
"Why did today make a
difference?" Remington inquired. "I'm still the same person I was
"Yes, and no. Fortunately, you
are now married to an American citizen. That puts quite a
different slant on things," Estelle explained. "While Immigration
will not accept a marriage of convenience in order to establish
residency, your marriage appears to have taken place for all the
The lump in Remington's throat
was so large he couldn't have spoken if his life had depended on
it. And for all practical purposes, it did. Laura looked at
Remington, on the verge of collapse, and intertwined her fingers
with his. She affectionately patted his hand and gave him her
first genuine smile of the day.
"Miss Becker, I've loved Mr.
Steele from the first moment I met him. He has all the qualities I
admire in a man--honesty, integrity, compassion. Sometimes, he
seems too good to be real. It's almost as though I invented him.
I'll be the happiest woman alive if I can spend the rest of my
life by his side."
"I think that's the most
beautiful expression of love I've ever heard," Estelle admitted
with a warm smile.
"It comes straight from the
heart, Miss Becker," Laura assured her.
"And how about you, Mr.
"Uh--words have always come hard
for me-- At least, the words you need to hear," Remington
explained awkwardly. Remington Steele, the flashy front man, was
gone. "But I assure you, this is not a marriage of convenience. I
deeply, deeply am in love with this young lady here."
Remington leaned over and gave
Laura a very long and passionate kiss. Laura lost herself in that
"I'm satisfied for the moment,"
Estelle cheerfully remarked as she stood.
Laura and Remington broke their
kiss and stood also, confused.
"What do you mean, for the
moment?" Remington nervously asked.
"Oh, I'm satisfied that this is a
real marriage, but Immigration will have to keep tabs on you for
the next two years," Estelle explained. "Purely regulation, I
"Two years?" Remington asked in
"What's two years out of our
lifetime, Dear?" Laura cheerfully asked as she patted Remington's
Remington just forced a weak
"I'll write up my report and I'm
sure there won't be any problem," Estelle assured them. "I had
planned to make an appointment with you early next week. I was
really dreading having to tell you that you were in danger of
being deported. I far prefer the outcome of this meeting to the
probable outcome of that meeting. It just goes to show that love
will find a way. Right, Mr. Steele?"
"Indeed, Miss Becker. Indeed,"
Remington agreed as he and Laura escorted Estelle to the
"Well, I'll be in touch," Estelle
Good nights were quickly
exchanged and Estelle left.
Remington collapsed weakly
against the door and took a deep breath. Laura knew that now was
not the time to get into a serious discussion.
"It's, uh, been quite a day,
hasn't it, Mr. Steele?"
"You've always had such a flair
for understatement, Laura," Remington declared.
They stood in awkward silence for
Laura finally broke the silence.
"Well, I think we could both use some time to ourselves. We've got
a lot to think about."
"Why don't I go to the loft and
pack some clothes while you fix us some dinner? I'll swing by and
pick up the Auburn on the way over," Laura suggested.
"Fine," Remington said
Laura wished there were something
she could do to ease Remington's fears, but it was all she could
do to deal with her own. Remington had almost been deported and
the full implications of that fact were just beginning to sink in
for both of them. His near deportation had suddenly put their
unplanned marriage in a totally different perspective. They had
much to discuss, but not now. Later.
"Well, I guess I'll call a cab
and be on my way," Laura awkwardly said. "You sure you'll be