Louise St. James, a thirty-two year old housewife and mother from Pennsylvania who requested her real name not be used, believed she had the perfect life. A caring husband with a great job that enabled her to remain at home full-time, a brand-new four bedroom home, and two wonderful children.
But shortly after the birth of their second child several years ago, Louise says, "a distance developed in our marriage, and I felt like I couldn't do anything right." She kept asking how she could change things, and finally her husband admitted it had nothing to do with her. "He said, 'I'm afraid to say what I think the problem is, because I'd be unable to take it back,'" she says. Finally, she guessed that he was gay. They separated almost immediately.
"One day you wake up and your whole world has changed," Louise says. "Where you thought you identified yourself in society has changed, and you have to figure out where you fit in now. You're stripped of your security and you're starting over. You think, 'What's going to happen to me?'"
Cherie Schwartz of Seattle, still together with her husband Tom, who came out to her eight years ago after twenty-eight years of marriage and three children, agrees. "The total loss of your self-identity puts YOU in the closet. You don't trust your judgment on anything."
In her book, "The Other Side of the Closet, the Coming Out Crisis For Straight Spouses and Families," (John Wiley and Sons $16.95) Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., who writes from her conversations with 1,800 gays, their spouses, and their children, in addition to her own experience with a gay ex-husband, estimates that two million men and women in this country are, or have been, married to gay, lesbian, and bisexual spouses. While the situation is more common than most people realize, the trend of men coming out to their wives seems to be increasing.
"All we know is that more people are coming out," says Buxton, who also heads up the Straight Spouse Support Network (SSSN), a joint project of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and The Gay and Lesbian Parents International Coalition (GLPIC). SSSN is based in El Cerrito, California, and has nationwide chapters and an internet support group. "More gay men with wives are coming out, more bisexuals."
Jean Schaar Gochros, in her book "When Husbands Come Out Of the Closet," (Harrington Park Press, $19.95) references reports estimating 2.6 million gay or bisexual American men who marry at some point, and between 10% to 54% of gay men being married or having been married.
Yet despite the fact that couples are wrestling with this disclosure in neighborhoods across the country, most families, friends and neighbors are unaware, or uncomprehending.
"Most people want to know, how could this happen?" says Buxton. "How could a gay or lesbian get married? It seems incongruous to people."
Often, the husbands deny their feelings. They want a traditional life with a wife and children. The majority are not duplicitous. They love their wives, and hope their sexual attraction to men will go away. Being gay and being a family man are, for the most part, mutually exclusive in our society.
"Yes, I had feelings about men," says Tom of Chicago, age thirty-seven, who came out to his wife ten years ago, and asked that his last name not be used. "But I never thought I'd deal with it. I didn't think I had a choice. I didn't think I'd ever act on it, and I prayed it would go away."
"Gay husbands don't want to lose their wives and kids," Buxton says. "Not because they are a FRONT, but because they love their families. But some people still look cross-eyed at this. They can't understand. These couples are normal ordinary people down the street."
Buxton says that the coming out often takes place around an event. "For example, the man's father dies, a job is lost, a baby is born, there's an anniversary, or sometimes a mid-life crisis," she says. Often gay married men who are not out suffer from severe illness or depression, even contemplating or attempting suicide.
Tom, who came out shortly after the birth of his child caused him to evaluate his life, says, "I didn't want to be gay. Why would anyone choose a life of ridicule and scorn? I truly loved my wife and cared about her, but I realized it wasn't fair to her to stay together."
Susan, a thirty-eight year old Chicago mother of two who requested we not use her last name, learned her husband was gay ten months ago. The disclosure came after a period of serious depression and his attempted suicide. "It was almost a relief to me when he came out, because finally I knew what was triggering his depression," she says.
Many times, both husband and wife have had few other sexual partners before marriage, are religious, and/or young when married. For both Louise and Susan, all three were true.
These couples often fear the reactions of their community. Whether for religious reasons, fear of the husband's job being in jeopardy, or basic concern for what others will think, the pressure to keep the disclosure a secret is immense. This becomes a double-whammy for the wives, who not only have to absorb the shock that their husband prefers men, but at the same time feel like they can't talk with anyone. This isolation only adds to the trauma.
"You have this big dark secret, and a real fear of judgment," says Louise. You can't tell anyone anything, you can't tell the truth. Yet people still want to know WHY you are getting divorced. You realize, 'I'm the morning coffee talk now.'"
Those who do eventually share their secret encounter mixed responses. Louise's priest gave her simple advice. "Your husband can't be gay, and you can't get divorced," she says he told her. She eventually found a good therapist and close friends who offered unconditional love and support. Both families were surprisingly supportive once informed.
Cherie, whose forty-two year-old gay brother committed suicide eight years ago, says when her husband came out to his family, "they totally dropped him."
When Susan and her soon-to-be ex-husband finally began sharing their secret, she says, "I was surprised that people were more accepting than I expected."
Whether the secret is kept indefinitely or not, many women find there are resources for their husbands, but few people trained or equipped to help them. "The husbands get all the attention," Buxton says. "Often when the women show their anger, they're accused of homophobia."
"It's not about accepting the gay lifestyle," Louise says. "The problem is no support for me. I couldn't figure out where to go for help. I felt like, 'I don't want to be gay, so what about me? I'm not in the club, I feel alone.'"
Their issues range from those similar to most divorces: fear of being alone, concern about single parenting, financial support and custody issues. In some states, judges will declare fathers unfit or deny overnight visits if homosexuality is known. And Buxton says all of this is compounded by the unique problems of "sexual rejection and perceived deception. These women feel duped and stupid and distrust their own judgment about everything. Their moral compass is shattered. Think about it. You realize, 'my husband wasn't turned on by me.' You question your own femininity. And it's hard to see your husband turned on by men."
Surprisingly enough, not all marriages where the husband comes out end in divorce. According to Buxton, "One third break up right away. One third stay together for awhile to sort it out, and one third stay to make it work. About half of those succeed. Roughly fifteen percent are still together more than three years after the disclosure."
"For most of the people who are still together, it's because they love each other very much, and have a history and a family in common. They're best friends," says Cherie, whose marriage has endured eight years beyond her husband's coming out. They've reached an agreement where her husband has a relationship with only one gay man, whom he sees two specific nights a week, which isn't always easy for Cherie. "My jealousy with Jim is there. Sometimes the relationship threatens me."
Cherie points to the ability to talk through their feelings as the reason her marriage has worked. "He was totally open with what he was about, and able to explain it to me," she says.
Buxton says it's an incorrect perception that all families are destroyed by a father's disclosure. "Families go on," she says. "It's the marital relationship that changes. The parents may have separate bedrooms. Dad may have a discreet outside lover."
For those couples that do split up, some work together to preserve their family, while others proceed with an often acrimonious divorce. The younger wives seem to have an easier time starting over than their older counterparts. Some women wonder if they'll ever find another partner.
Cherie, who still maintains a sexual relationship with her husband offers, "It's different for someone who's fifty than for younger kids. They have more of a choice. Do you want to spend forty-five years living this way? You have to have a very special husband to live this life."
Louise and her husband, although separated, are working hard to preserve a sense of family for their children. "I don't ever want to do anything that makes him less of a father, especially in the kids' eyes," she says. "My daughter who's almost four says things like 'Daddy has a friend named Paul.' She doesn't fully understand what's going on. My therapist said, 'Tell them only when they are ready and they ask questions. When they ask, tell them the truth.'"
Gochros advises parents to be honest with their kids. "No one can promise children they will go through life without pain. They come into life inheriting the strengths, weaknesses, joys, and woes of their parents. Often that means they are born into a stigmatized segment of society. The earlier parents begin helping them to cope with that fact, the easier it will be for them to do so," she says in her book.
Buxton says that depending on their age, kids reactions range from embarrassment and anger, to fear of AIDs. "Kids today know about AIDS, and are terrified their fathers will die. The older kids worry that their fathers aren't taking precautions," she says. She also says teens have the toughest time because they dread anything that makes them different from their peers. They often isolate themselves when they most need support. However, Buxton says, "mostly kids just want a stable home and parents who love each other. Two adults who respect and care for each other and a home where there's consistency."
While any type of divorce creates upheaval for children, a father's coming out exacerbates the situation. Yet Buxton describes positive alternative scenarios for child care and parenting in divorces where the father has come out. "Sometimes a separated couple and the new partner will raise the children, consulting with each other. Maybe the husband's partner is a good disciplinarian, or a better father in terms of setting limits and getting kids to be responsible. There are good and bad parents whether they are straight or gay. It's important to separate out the parenting factor from the gay factor. Because kids could care less."
In her book, Gochros also indicates that "what little research exists suggests that children of all ages, including teenagers, handle such news from their fathers pretty well. They are not rejecting, they are often very accepting, [and] pleased at the faith you have shown in them...Often they have already sensed it."
Susan of Chicago is trying to help her kids understand what's going on for their father with whom they no longer live. She says her eleven year-old daughter had it figured out already. "She gave her father a hug and told him it didn't matter. And my eight year-old son wrote a letter to congress," she says. "He asked them, 'What are you doing to help gay people?'"
It's important to understand, says Susan, that "gay people are normal people. If they were accepted, they wouldn't be getting married and we all wouldn't be in this position."
Adds Tom, "Being gay is not something you just decide. It's absolutely something that's inside and ingrained and a part of you. You don't wake up and say, 'I'm just going to walk away from my marriage.' We haven't chosen to be different, but we're choosing to be honest about it."
All the women who have been through this process have similar recommendations for other women whose husbands have come out. Most agree that it's important to take it slow. "Give it time," says Susan. "I wanted it to be all solved in the first two weeks. It can't be. It takes time."
Others suggest finding people to talk with, whether a physical or on-line support group like the SSSN, a gay-friendly therapist, books like Buxton's and Gochros', journal writing, prayer, and exercise. They also say taking excellent care of yourself is crucial.
Buxton concludes with, "It's my mission to let women know that it's not their fault, and they're not alone. It's no fun, but you CAN get through it. See what society has done making gay men think they have to be married? Kids, spouses, everyone hurting. Young people don't have the chance to figure out who they are. You don't have to get married to have a family. Social change takes a long time, and a lot of people get hurt in the process." end
published in December 7, 1997 in The Chicago Tribune
copyright 2003 Ellen Nordberg . all rights reserved .
ENordberg@mindspring.com