Author's Note: The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict
Erik Fisher, Ph.D. : www.erikfisher.com
Man's mind, once being stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
The motivation for writing this book arose out of working with many clients in practice and teaching them to examine how power and they way they viewed it was affecting the choices in their lives. The idea of power and how we use it is involved in most interactions in our lives, and the struggle for power often begins at the moment of birth.
Power is often seen as something to strive for that is often intangible or unseen, but we seek ways to make it tangible, through obtaining money, land, political status, religion… Power is difficult to concisely define but is often used in conjunction with words like control, manipulation, command, authority, and others words. In the process of understanding how power affects our relationships with others, it is integral to first understand how our own manipulations of power affect ourselves. The key to helping others understand the role of power in their life is helping them to see the logical relationships between their perceptions of power, the emotions they were presenting to others, and the emotions they were feeling underneath.
We, as humans, are very complex animals in that we learn and adopt very complex behavioral, linguistic, and emotional patterns. We experience many levels and layers of emotion that we (often unknowingly) overlap to cover up other emotions. We also modify our perceptions to protect our image from others and ourselves. Our use of emotion is so intricately tied in with our perceptions of power that we often do not take the time to examine the relationship between the two because we are often unaware of the connections between the power and emotion. This book is intended to help the reader to identify those relationships in order to have the choice to change patterns that we often feel helpless to change.
In philosophy classes, there is a philosophical dilemma often presented and discussed. This dilemma also provides an opportunity to consider the two models of power that will be presented in this book, the hierarchical and equity models. This philosophical dilemma is called the Commoner’s Dilemma. The following story is one of many different versions.
There is a common grassy area where farmers can bring their cows to feed. This field of grass is large enough that all the cows can feed at regular intervals enough to sustain themselves, but are not able to feed enough to bring a high price when it is time to sell the cows for meat. If the field is over-utilized, there will not be enough grass for all the cows and some will likely die.
The dilemma arises when a farmer questions the price he will be able to receive for his cows at market if they continue to sustain their size and the price he could receive if he fed his cows more grass. If he feeds his cows in excess, the other cows stand a chance of starving, but he may make more money. If he feeds his cows as the others do, all should survive, yet the farmer may have more competition when selling his cows.
When the farmer considers the issue of how much to feed his cows, he may also think that other farmers have considered the same idea which could prompt fear and mistrust between he and the other farmers. If he does not trust the other farmers, he may decide to overfeed his cows to protect himself. There are also many other issues raised by this dilemma. It may be interesting to discuss this with friends or a spouse before you read the book and reconsider it as you continue to read.
Through reading this book, you will be challenged to examine your approach to your past, present, and future. You will also likely question your emotions and realize how powerless people often feel and begin to understand the emotions and defenses we use to protect ourselves. Individual, family, and world political issues are brought into question in an attempt to open the eyes of many to the choices that are being made in our world everyday.
As you will see, you will learn to understand your emotions and the emotions of others, and it will be very important to use your newly found power wisely. There are often times when people learn a new skill that they may try to use in order to advance their own power at the expense of others. When the skill is used for that purpose, it often does more harm than good, not only for that individual but also in their relationships. As you will learn, the manipulation of emotions can cause a great deal of hurt and pain. While experiencing hurt and pain can contribute to our growth, if our pain is brought up in an unsupportive manner, it can contribute to more hurt and pain.
This is not a book meant to teach people to run out and change the world; it is a book that first involves changing the self from within. If we are able to understand ourselves more clearly, we would likely see ways in which the world reflects our own flaws. As we correct our own flaws, our reflection of the world around us will likely change to demonstrate those changes within ourselves.
