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| Entry #1 |
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| Entry #1 |
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Remember
when you thought you were hurt beyond any redemption? Remember the feeling
that you weren't sure exactly how you would get through that next holiday,
birthday, season? Then something happens and the time goes and you find
that several people who you didn't take careful notice of were making
the time happen with laughter and through sharing, they were making things
just a little bit easier. In time as we look back this was no small feat,
it was the world and they were busy filling you up with all the love they
could muster and you could accept. A
Halloween with Loosee meant half the day in his basement apartment. It meant
cocktails and music and laughter. I meant Loosee was going to have his hands
in your hair and your hair was going to be transformed into an amazing surprise.
Not to mention every color known to man! Loosee was what we referred to
as the “Loosee Institute”; he was teacher and creator, artist
and mad man! One never knew what was going on in his mind, and often he
was not about to tell you. It was always an adventure. As a group, several
of us would always commit to going out and having a few drinks at different
gay bars to see the costumes. My first year alone after the death of my
partner, I felt I would stay at home, turn off the lights and go to bed.
Not such an easy task as Loosee had things I needed to get for him. He didn't
drive and needed supplies, so he called and put the guilty on edge and of
course I complied with his wishes. After all, this was a close friend who
made sure my cocktail glass was never empty and my hair never unkempt. I
went by and picked him up and off we went to shop. Several hours, two bars
and a liquor store later, there we were, in his salon (Loosee was a hair
dresser, DUH... his salon was lovingly called Loosee's rat and roll
glamorama). Loosee had both hands twisting my hair and spraying it purple, green and pink. I knew this was only a beginning for me.  Between
us both we made ourselves as ugly as possible, giggled at each turn of the
making in the salon seat and got ready to accept others who would be there
soon. I saw people appear as witches, ghouls, clowns and a man in a trench
coat with a 4-foot penis. Once we were all one we found we didn't have
the energy nor the sobriety to go out very far, so we took a cab to a neighborhood
bar, watched for a while and giggled until too tired to continue, and then
we went home. Once I got home, undecorated my face and self, I found I was
tired and happy. I had gotten through that first Halloween, just like Kenny
who had moved into the house that September got me through that first Christmas.I didn't want to live alone and a good friend gave me the idea to invite Kenny, an acquaintance, to find shelter with me. I had decided I wanted to help out someone with AIDS or HIV who couldn't work much and needed a home. Kenny fit the bill; He had been living with HIV since the early 80's. He moved to Portland, OR from San Francisco and had been staying with family friends. These friends were feeling Kenny needed to get out on his own again and so with that recommendation I approached him. He wasn't easy to convince, either. He couldn't understand why anyone would tell a stranger to move in and not worry about money. So I told him he could pay me $200.00 a month and only if he could afford it; and then I would either cash the check and slip it back to him, or force him to take it back or hide it in his underwear. He finally accepted and although I never took his money, he always helped with food and was a wonderful gardener and kept the house to "house and garden" specifics. Kenny was a joy to have around; he had his own life and friends, but tried to include me in fun activities and that first year planned a Christmas party and begged to put up a tree, which I resisted. He came home one day and told me he had a live tree picked out and with my help would cut and bring it home, decorate it with my lights and ornaments and I would never have to lift a finger. Little did I know, Kenny had a plan! A couple of weeks before Christmas, he called my job and told them I was sick. It was my birthday and Kenny believed I should take the day off. He made sure I slept in, had coffee for me when I got up and that early evening took me to dinner. After dinner we went for a "drive". We were gone a while and I began to notice we were heading into the Cascade Mountains towards snow. Soon the wind and snow picked up and Kenny stopped and said, “Let's cut that puppy.” We hiked into a wooded area in deep snow and finally he cut a tree. I knew he hadn't picked this one out as he had said and when confronted all he did was laugh. I should have known by the fact that he laughed all the way home that he had no idea what he was doing. I kept telling him it was too big and he kept laughing and saying “I can make it fit.”  The
tree was approximately 14 feet tall and my ceilings were 10 feet and so
the tree had to be cut. Even when tall enough, once put in a stand it took
up over half the room. Kenny laughed all the while as he decorated and tied
the tree so it wouldn't fall. A few days later when I came home I found
the tree sprawled on the floor. Kenny was working and so it left the clean
up to me. I decided the monster tree had to go and I went out and bought
an 8-foot noble fur, brought it home and removed all decorations and lights
and put the monster out. Even though I had professed that I would not partake
in anything Christmas, that the thought was too painful, there I was decorating
and making the living room a Christmas showplace. I lost track of the time
till I heard Kenny outside howling in laughter at the monster tree which
now was across the driveway.Kenny took care of a wonderful Christmas party a few days before Christmas and the house was filled with friends and new friends and people I had never met. The food was great and company terrific and once again I became aware that the love of a new friend in Kenny got me through another difficult holiday. The monster tree was removed by Kenny and I never had the heart to ask what he did with it. Birthdays were also difficult for me that first couple of years. Not my birthday, but my late partners birthday was difficult. My friend Tim used to call on that day for several years and he would say, “Get up, wake up - I have a lunch packed and you have 20 minutes to pick me up for a hike.” We traveled into the Columbia Gorge or to Silver Creek Falls and found a place to walk among the ancient forests and beautiful waterfalls. Tim knew a good deal about trees and plants and we began a class on nature. It was always a pleasure to walk among Douglas firs which are over 400 years old, looking at swordfish ferns which soared over our heads, finding mushrooms of every color and private waterfalls. Our “lunch” consisted of vodka and Kool-Aid and started with a small thermos which grew to a gallon thermos with more vodka and less Kool-Aid. I do believe this was how I learned to love vodka martinis. We also came equipped with a joint or two. It was amazing to see how everything becomes more colorful and amazing when a natural high becomes a lunchtime miracle high. We didn't do this everyday, but there were times when a walk was necessary and the time spent out in the woods became a pleasure needed. We found that our little walks became 8 miles into and 8 miles back from the woods. We may have been walking sideways into the woods with all the help of our liquid lunch, but we were pretty sober and sore by the time we entered the real world again. The biggest fun for us was seeing where and when I would trip and fall on my face. Seems I was pretty good at it, I broke toes frequently and once after falling on a log going across a stream, I cracked my pelvis. One would think I would learn to be more careful, and after a time, I became clean and sober and even this didn't help the graceful person I am NOT.  When
working through loneliness we find there are people and activities with
friends that not only help to get through the sad times, they create such
warm and wonderful memories that with time, take the place of the times
we thought we would never get through. There are so many people who helped
me to get past my lonely years, they are what kept me going often and keep
me going to this day. It takes years to get over personal loss and some
things we never get over, but life goes on. Kenny and Loosee are no longer
with us; we lost Kenny in 1997 from complications of AIDS. He went home
to Houston to be near family. We remained in close contact until he could
no longer talk. His sister informed me of his death. My last conversation
with him was of me warning him that if he didn't get well, I would come
to Houston and drag him out of that bed. I also told him I loved him. Loosee
passed away in 2003 from complications of diabetes and AIDS. He had been
ill a long time and trying to rebound. Our last conversation was with laughter
as he told me he would get back on his feet as he had "hair to do." He asked
if I could plan a trip back to Portland one day, that he missed me and not
to worry about him. I told him I would come as soon as I could and that
I loved him, too. Timmy is alive and well, he was there for me when I needed
him, and continues to be available. He and his new partner talk about making
the trip to visit me and I will one day visit him as well. We have a history
and it keeps moving. I never miss an opportunity to let Timmy know I love
him. Friends are for life, like family. |
