This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body
fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly
and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and
you prance away.
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a
fresh cup of coffee or tea.
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in
and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in
the opposite direction, or lying down.
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest
room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do
this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the
floor, or better yet, on their laps.
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your
ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If
you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume
and moldy crusts of bread.
A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't
get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
Every good dog's response to the command "sit !",
especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a
human will love you in return.
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose
as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or
until your person makes you stop.
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite
to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by
trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house
until your person comes home.
~ Author Unknown ~
Things Dogs Must Try To Remember
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet
in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the
backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones,
or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear
one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back
yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's
driver's license and car registration.
~ Author Unknown ~