Mind Games to Play With A Human...

1. After YOUR humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL
   DRY YOU!!!!. Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself on
   the sheets. This is especially good if it is before bedtime.

2.  Act like a convicted criminal! When they come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, your chin down and act as if you have done something REALLY REALLY bad. Then watch as YOUR humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (CAUTION: This only works when you have done absolutely NOTHING wrong!)

3. Let YOUR humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly.  When humans try to demonstrate it to their human guests, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they are talking about. Attempting to bribe you with cookies is usually an added bonus.

4. Make humans be patient. Patience is a virtue. When you go outside to 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as YOUR humans WAIT, especially in the COLD, RAINY weather. Act as though the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the world.

5. Draw attention to YOUR humans. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go POOP! Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if YOUR humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking, coughing, tripping and whining every time a strange human walks by. This will ensure you will get the FULL LEAD without the 'heeling' stuff.

7. Hide from YOUR humans. When humans come home don't greet them at the door. Instead, HIDE from them and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of YOUR humans is panic stricken and close to tears) This may sound a bit cruel, but its a GUARANTEED treat....they'll be so happy to see you.....they'll give you ANYTHING!!!!!

8. When YOUR humans call you to come inside, ALWAYS take your time, walk as SLOWLY as possible back to the door. We have a SPECIAL mission here to TEACH humans PATIENCE!!

9. Wake up twenty minutes early before the alarm clock is set to go off and make YOUR humans, take you out for your morning potty.  As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them NUTS!)

10. ALWAYS, remember the Limp, Limp, Whine, Whine, Whine routine.  No matter what you have done (ate the roast, chewed the couch etc.) no matter how loud YOUR humans are yelling, when you do the Limp, Limp, Whine, Whine, routine you are OFF the hook. This along with BLINKING your BIG BROWN eyes in SUFFERING through LOVING ADORATION will GUARANTEE left oversee from dinner and a COMFY place on YOUR humans bed at night.

11. Always cuddle and play with the cat in front of YOUR humans.
    Then at night when you're UNOBSERVED, do what all NORMAL dogs do. In the morning, YOUR humans will blame that DAMN DOG DOWN the STREET. Be especially careful to HIDE ALL fur balls you happen to cough up the next morning.

12. Finally and most importantly for all male dogs. When YOUR
    humans talk about neutering you, make sure you STARE
    POINTEDLY at YOUR male human's crotch and LICK your chops.  In most cases this will ENSURE you remain intact..

~Author Unknown~

The Top Twenty Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

 20. Can't stick their heads out of  Windows '95. 

 19. Fetch command not available on all   platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every  website they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got
      Mail".

15. Fire hydrant icon is simply frustrating

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
      pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-
      wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction  of the Microsoft
      Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
    software.

6. Smell U-Smell Me still in beta test.

5. SIT & STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK out of the
    question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse get might difficult to maneuver.

3. Annoyed by lack of news groups,alt.pictures; master's leg

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving that on-line chat
    rooms.


And the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

  1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmEWeIjTyH :AzWqS. *

*(Translation - Too darn hard to type with paws.)

(Contributed by Mary Green to the Tulsa Dog Training Club's
August '96 newsletter "PawPrints")