Rebekah's Letter to Amanda

Dear Amanda,

It is hard to express in words how much I miss you. As your birthday approaches, I want so much to send you a card as I always have. It is inconceivable that you will not be at home to get it. For all I know, you are sitting right next to me right now, laughing at me because I don't realize that you are fine and just as happy as before, and just as close to me as before. I just feel like you are so far away, and I will never be able to talk to you again, and I miss you. Every so often, I hear a song on the radio that you introduced me to, and I can't help but think of you. Many times these are happy thoughts, but there are many other times that these thoughts bring tears. I know that you would not want me to be unhappy cause of you, but I just feel such a hole sometimes. You are one of those things that I just took for granted and didn't expect would ever disappear. As Mom said, she expected that we would be sitting on a porch in rocking chairs someday. I expected more family trips - remember, we were going to take our kids to Disney World. The sign of a dorky kid is one that loves Epcot - certainly not us. I expected that when we had kids, our kids would grow up as close as we did. It was almost as if we were sisters, Mander. When Lillian and I were standing at your grave, she said to me, "we have something in common, cause she was my sister, and she was like your sister." I'll never forget that. I nearly lost it right there. You were the only person my age that I have known for all of my life. There is no one else that even comes close to the kind of friend you were. Sure, we had our moments when we were younger. All friends and all siblings do. I think we were a mixture of the two. There are so many memories that only you and I share - now I guess they are mine and mine alone to cherish. Even when we were a head apart in height, people said we looked alike, and we got along fine and dandy then too. There was that week at Girl Scout Camp that we didn't think we could make it through - well, we did. We had so many special moments. There were our hottub chats that we had whenever we were at my house. And the phonechats. Sometimes we just sat there not saying anything for so long, but it didn't cost anymore so it didn't matter. We watched T.V. shows together over the phone - how silly is that? I remember the time we had been talking for a while and your ear suctioncupped to the phone and my throat growled. We must have laughed for five minutes straight. You were the one that I could confide in - I could tell you everything. And you did the same. The beauty of it was, neither of us knew any of the people that we were talking about, so it didn't matter. I could write all day, just about us, Amanda. I wish I could just talk to you once more. I wish I could hear you laugh and we could laugh for hours on end again. You know, you are living on in everyone that you touched with your beauty and joy. You will never die in that sense. You shared so much in such a short amount of time - any of us would wish the same be said of us. I finally got to meet your friends. I wish I met them on different terms. I'm glad that you came to my graduation and met all of my friends and saw the place I lived for all of those years. It meant a lot to me that you came. And then I flew back with your ticket and your driver's license - just a little illegal! It was weird to stay in your room without you. It certainly didn't have your touch anymore - it was sort of clean. I can't play 'Speed' or 'Double Solitaire' without thinking of you. I am always reminded of that week at the beach, as well as many other times at your house and mine. There are so many memories with happy connotations, and sometimes they will hit me as happy - other times they will make me cry. We must have the sweetest teeth in the world. I always think of making chocolate chip cookies with you, and brownies. Of course, half of the cookie dough was in our stomachs instead of being cooked. Maybe all that sugar that we ate really did soak into our characters, cause I think we were both pretty darn sweet people. You know that mobile you were working on this summer - well, I finished it and now it hangs in my room at home. It is really a work of art. I was afraid at first that I was going to make a mistake and ruin it, but then I realized that your part wasn't perfect, so I didn't feel bad. You know, when my family went to Athens late in the summer, Tisha, Lillian, and I went swimming, and that, too, was weird. I mean, I didn't have anyone to scare your mother with by trying to do three person shoulder towers. I remember sitting outside on your roof watching the sunset. We never did paint your room like a sunset - oh, well. I figured it would never happen. Oh, Les Miserables was a spectacular show, but it would have been better if I had your arm to grab onto, and to cry with. You were certainly there in spirit, I know. Both Matthew and I knew that. We sure did miss you though. Nothing against his mother, but it just wasn't the same. We all knew that. We decided that we needed to go because we knew that you would want us to. Thanks for buying my ticket, by the way. I never thanked you. When I was in your room, I found your box of pennies. I have one like it - remember? I wrote a little poem about it cause when I saw it, it made me cry a lot. Here goes:

A box of pennies
carefully collected
one for each year
will never fill up.

I love you so much, Amanda. I miss you. I miss joking with you. I miss pouring my heart out to you. I miss listening to you pour your heart out. I miss your hugs and your smile that matches mine. Years of braces gave us both huge smiles. After all that torture, we just had to show off our teeth. At the end of the summer, we had a family gathering, and it was weird. That's the only description of it. I'll be home for Thanksgiving this year-first time in 4 years. It'll be extremely strange to be there without you. I'll miss giggle sessions, and making fun of our little sisters... There's a lot that I'll miss doing with you, but I guess, I guess...I don't know. It's hard- I think it always will be, but I know you're doing just fine. You'll always hold a special place in my heart, and your influence will be reflected in my life. Thank you for all you shared with me.

Love always,

Rebekah