Developing a healthy romantic relationship that will grow and thrive for a lifetime presents perhaps the greatest challenge any of us will ever face. And we first face this challenge at a time in our lives when we barely have grown enough to figure out who we are for ourselves. If only we felt no need for a romantic attachment until we had fully matured, then so much of the pain, heartache and misery of breakups and disappointments could be avoided. But unfortunately, most of us spend our whole lives growing and maturing, and so we never seem quite ready for the awesome task of choosing another person with whom we can share our lives.

For those who have achieved this blessing without much difficulty, and are maintaining a healthy and thriving relationship in marriage, I tip my hat to you. No doubt, your years of growing up were filled to some degree with healthy relationships with your parents, siblings and others. For the rest of us who are still single and feel the need to engage in a relationship with someone who ultimately will become a romantic, life long partner, Joshua Harris has provided some essential guidelines for us. And he provides these for the Christian who wishes to establish a relationship based on God's principles, one that ultimately has the best chance of sustaining throughout the remainder of our days on this earth.

We seek God's principles for developing a relationship not only because as Christians we are committed to living for Christ and no longer for ourselves, but also because we find that our own ways have not worked out so well. Whether you are single or married, young or old, consider the relationships you have engaged in during your life that have not worked out. Or consider all of the couples you have known, married or not, who have since divorced or broken up. In my own very large family of siblings, of which I am the youngest living, I have witnessed 12 marriages, of which only 3 currently survive. This is quite a bit higher than the national divorce rate of 50%, quoted so often in the news media. Actually, the divorce rate for first time marriages is a bit lower. Nonetheless, these thoughts point to the fact that most of us struggle with human relationships in general, and certainly with romantic relationships in particular. Why is the most important human relationship in our lives so difficult for us to develop and manage?

The answer to this question can be found primarily in the fact that so often many of us try to establish such relationships in the absence of God. Without His supreme guidance, we are bound to fall back on doomed attempts to fulfill all of our human needs through a romantic attachment. When we turn to another human being to find fulfillment instead of to God, we are certain to fail at the attempt. No other human being can ever offer the comfort, consistency and stability we innately need. Even if we are in a healthy relationship, we have no guarantee that the other person will be around until our death. We can only find such lifelong consistency through a relationship with God. Once we have fulfilled this primary need, only then are we ready, with His help, to tackle the gigantic task of managing a human relationship with a life long partner.

Our failure to place God in the center of our lives, and to rely upon Him first and foremost in the matter of relationships, leads us instead to rely on our own human efforts to develop romantic attachments. As Joshua Harris correctly points out, these efforts fail primarily because we pursue them from a position of selfishness. Whenever we are more focused on our own needs instead of on those of the other person, then we can feel confident the relationship will stumble. As many of us have learned, relationships are much more about giving than about getting. And so two selfish people are not going to find much success in their relationship as long as each of them is focused on what they are getting out of it. Selfishness leads to failure in relationships for two main reasons.

First, we come to rely almost exclusively on our romantic feelings to guide us in these relationships. The romantic feelings we experience when we become emotionally involved with another person are very powerful. When we feel these feelings, we cannot imagine they will ever diminish. But they do eventually fade, and the resulting disappointment often puts a great strain on the relationship. Because of their fleeting nature, romantic feelings can never hold a relationship together. These powerful feelings also tend to blind us as to who the other person really is. As an example of one of our many problematic human failings, when our feelings are involved, we tend to see only what we want to see. Basing a relationship on romantic feelings is much like building a house on sand. In time, the storms of life take their toll on such a poor foundation. Only God is able to provide the solid rock foundation which offers the miracle of a long lasting relationship that can weather any storm.

In addition to leading us into the fallacy of romance as a bedrock for a long lasting relationship, selfishness also drives us to move too quickly in a relationship. Consequently, we become physical and emotionally involved prematurely, which tends to lead to a high level of attachment that is unwarranted early on. Like romantic feelings, haste further leads us to misunderstand or complete blindness as to who the other person really is and what this relationship we are developing with them is really becoming. The speed at which our technologically driven society moves today is fueling the fire of haste in our romantic interests even further. As a barometer of this trend, many young people are moving at an alarmingly accelerated rate in their relationships today. I am working with a young man still in high school who has become engaged to be married to a girl who he has known for only two weeks. Now that is moving too quickly. Another young man of 20 has moved in with a girl he has been dating for only a few weeks. No doubt they already are sexually involved. He states a plan to live with her for a year, but has no intention of being with her forever, which points to the selfish foundation. (The relationship last only two months, and signs of its decay were felt right away, he later admitted). Finally, in one of the most disturbing examples I have seen, a girl in 7th grade I interviewed was troubled by the fact that her boyfriend of five weeks had broken up with her because she would not have sex with him. This kind of haste, and at such a young age, assures breakups, with the consequent pain and anguish that always accompanies it.

Selfishness leads to a focus on our romantic feelings, to impatience, and to a preoccupation with fulfillment of emotional and sexual needs. And of course our culture strongly promotes all of these simply because they are so effective as tools in helping advertisers to sell us their products. Sex has become almost an obsession with anyone selling some kind of product or service. Unfortunately for those vulnerable to their message, none of these lays a solid foundation for a long lasting relationship. Our human way of developing relationships based on fulfillment of the self simply doesn't work.

So now, what is God's way? Joshua Harris has considered this question carefully, and has come up with four stages he believes God would have us follow on the way from introduction to marriage. Joshua's first and most important message in his book is that a romantic relationship should not be pursued unless the intention is for long term commitment in marriage. His experience has shown him that many pursue dating relationships for the sake of personal, selfish pleasure with no intention of making a commitment to marriage. And this trend was not limited just to the guys. Therefore, as he has titled his book, he has "Kissed Dating Goodbye". This does not mean that he does not encourage careful and purposeful pursuit of relationships, or that we won't engage in many of these relationships before finding the right person. Rather, he means that the casual dating many engage in, as referenced earlier, has no place in God's plan. Following his suggested stages will alleviate many of the problems of becoming emotionally involved with someone we will never commit to. This doesn't mean we can avoid all breakups and all heartache, but rather that much more likely we will be able to hold to God's plan of purity before and after marriage, will marry the right person the first time, and will stick to the marriage throughout our lives.

Joshua's first stage involves casual friendship. After meeting someone we find a liking for, we begin the process of getting to know them in casual, social settings. For young people, Joshua suggests that this stage be pursued mostly in the company of others, and he cautions against the two people spending much time alone together, and against considering themselves a couple at this point. For adults who do not have much opportunity for this type of group socializing, then getting together alone may be the only way of pursuing the friendship. Nonetheless, Joshua encourages that we spend time getting to know the other person and learning as much as we can about them first, which makes a great deal of sense, but is rarely practiced any more. Most people, youth and adults alike, skip this stage entirely. Again, we would only jump into a more serious relationship with someone we hardly know if we were concerned only with ourselves. No one likes to wait for things, but impatience does not lead to happiness, but rather to despair. True love is not selfish but rather selfless. Joshua suggests that we remain focused on the other person instead of ourselves, and that an emphasis on ourselves will only drive us too quickly into a more serious relationship. He also asks us to consider all the other relationships in our lives, including our relationship with God, with family members and with friends. Spending time with them will help us to not be consumed by this one person as the sole source of filling our relational needs. He also encourages us to consider that God has a plan for this other person, and we need to be cautious about not getting in the way of that plan. Also, spending time nurturing our relationship with God in prayer and in reading His word will help us to consider His plan for us, and will enable us to keep ourselves pure. After you have gotten to know the other person a bit and still feel that they may be right for you, then you are ready to move to the next stage.

Joshua's next stage involves pursuing a deeper friendship. The operative word he uses to describe this stage is "patience". This is not the time to jump into an exclusive dating relationship, and the two people should not consider themselves a couple at this stage, although they will be spending much more time alone together. Rather, this is a period during which the two people build a deep friendship that has the potential of lasting a lifetime. Joshua suggests that strong marriages are built upon a solid foundation of friendship, and my experience has shown me that the happiest married couples have this quality of deep friendship. Joshua cautions us against pursuing romantic and physical intimacy during this stage, since the temptations will be quite strong. He suggests that these pursuits foster illusions and infatuation that can obscure the other person's true character. He suggests that when we release our emotions in romantic love at this stage, then our objective, clear thinking fades. I would suggest that most failed relationships fall into this illusory phase, and so it must be carefully avoided. To achieve this, Joshua recommends that we avoid activities and interactions of a romantic nature, and avoid speaking too soon about the romantic feelings we may have for the other person.

Mike Long, another Christian who speaks often to youth about relationships and dating, suggests that as the stages of intimacy progress, our ability to make principled decisions in the relationship goes down, while our drive for pleasure goes up. (He points out that alcohol and drugs do the same thing, decreasing our ability to make good decisions while increasing our appetite for pleasure seeking.) He suggests that we familiarize ourselves with the six stages of physical intimacy that leads to sexual intimacy, what God forbids outside of marriage. The first stage is being together, and so this is why Joshua cautions us about spending too much time alone together early on in a relationship. The second stage is holding hands, which is the first level of physical intimacy, and can lead us forward too quickly. The third stage is a simple kiss, which takes physical contact into the sexual realm. The fourth stage is prolonged, deep, passionate kissing, which has the direct consequence of arousing sexual feelings, and so this aspect of "making out" must be acknowledged, and of course avoided. The fifth stage is physical petting, including touching of private parts. This is much more explicitly sexual without involving direct sexual contact, but clearly, once we have started down this path, it becomes increasingly more difficult to stop, or turn around. His last stage, naturally, is sexual activity, including intercourse. We must recognize that each of these stages naturally leads to the next, and so Joshua's point is that in order to remain pure before God, we must be very cautious at the first stage, and to avoid the second stage altogether. Holding hands may not be appropriate until the stage of engagement. We may want to remember that at most weddings, the minister gives permission for the man to kiss the woman for the first time. Her white dress is a symbol of purity, meaning total physical purity, i.e., she has never been kissed. This is God's plan, and it remains a part of most wedding rituals, but the meaning has gotten lost somewhere along the way.

If after having developed a deep friendship with another person, we find ourselves considering that this person may be the right one for us, then Joshua suggests we seek God's guidance through four signal lights, to see if all the lights are green and that we should move forward. Of course, if at this point we are not interested in pursuing marriage with this person for any reason, then we should make this clear to them and begin considering others and allow them to do the same. In God's plan, romantic relationships are pursued for marriage only, not for selfish pleasure. At the first of Joshua's four signal lights, we must ask ourselves, according to God's word, if marriage is right for us and for the other person at this time in our lives. God requires that a Christian be equally yoked, that is, married to someone who is a believer. We also must consider how God wishes for us to serve him, since some ministries are best carried out by a single person. At the second light, we must consider if we are ready for marriage, that is, if we possess a realistic view of marriage, one that is not limited only to one aspect of it. He suggests we check out Gary and Betsy Ricucci's book, "Love That Lasts". At the third light, we must gain the support and approval from other important people in our lives, including the parents or guardians of each person, as well as other Christian friends and mentors. If we don't have their support, then we must consider very carefully why they do not support our moving forward. At the fourth light, after we have successfully passed each of the previous three lights with green signals, we must ask ourselves if we are at peace with God about pursuing marriage with this person. We must feel confident that marriage is God's will for both of us before moving forward.

If we have gotten four green lights, then we are ready for the next stage, what Joshua calls purposeful intimacy in the pursuit of marriage. He suggests that the man must take the initiative here (ladies, if the man is not able to take the initiative at this point, then I don't believe he is someone God would have you to marry). The man must clearly define his purpose and direction in the relationship at this point. He must make it clear to the lady that he is interested in seeing if the relationship they have developed will lead to marriage. He should say that he is ready to be tested by her and her family, and that he wishes to win her heart, which is no small matter, by the way. He may have won her heart already, but this does not mean the relationship is marriage material, so this purpose must now be stated unequivocally. The man may choose to ask the lady's father to court his daughter with the intention of being tested in seeking marriage. Most fathers would be grateful to have the opportunity to play such a role in the marriage of their daughters, and Christian fathers may insist on it, as they should. God's word tells us that the woman's place is under the guidance of her father until her hand is passed to a man in marriage. This is another traditional part of most wedding ceremonies, but I'm afraid this point also has gotten lost.

Joshua points out that many relationships wander into this stage of deepening intimacy without any purpose or direction specifically because the two people lack clear commitment of any kind, and he suggests that this state of limbo be avoided. Too often, we pursue romance before its time, and then hesitate when we should commit to the relationship. This course is very selfish, and speaks of someone who is not ready for marriage, and of a process that does not build a healthy relationship that will sustain in marriage. So upon entering this next stage, we must be purposeful to fit God's plan of creating long term, committed marriages.

When the woman hears from a man of his interest in being tested for marriage, she must be honest with him in accepting or rejecting the offer to move forward in the relationship. She should take time to consider this request with other trusted Christians in her life, especially with her father or principle male guardian. If she accepts the offer, she may wish to communicate that she is ready to test and be tested. Joshua reminds us that the woman's parents and family must be honored in their wishes regarding the relationship. If they do not sanction the relationship, then the two people must slow down, and spend more time together and with friends, and even consider other prospects. Every marriage draws its strength from the support of both families, so if one or both of the families is hesitant in their support, then the marriage will not get the support it needs. Not surprisingly, many of the marriages among my siblings that ended in divorce were not supported by my parents. If your parents are fairly healthy and have your best interest at heart, then they often provide clear, sound judgements about a prospective marriage. We also have to remember that we are not just pursuing a relationship with the one person, but with all the others in that person's family. Therefore, troubled relationships with the other person's family members speaks poorly for the prospects of a marriage. The exception to this would include family members who are not involved in the other person's life, or who are not considered healthy enough to play a role in the marriage decision.

If the woman accepts the offer, then the two people enter the stage of purposeful intimacy, and engage in what Joshua calls Principled Romance. This would be the dating stage as the world would see it, but with some significant differences. Joshua defines this stage as one in which there is a lack of physical intimacy, including Mike Long's stage of holding hands, and that the couple are accountable to the parents and other Christians to remain pure in their lives. The couple naturally will spent much time alone together, but should not do so in situations that would lead to compromise, including overnight stays alone together. If we are to honor God, then we must follow his perfect plan for us, and avoid too great a level of intimacy at this stage. Joshua suggests that this should be a time when the two families are able to come together to strengthen the relationship by offering needed support. He offers several guidelines for the couple, including: 1) building trust with one another, 2) discussing feelings and concerns with each other, as well as future hopes, plans and convictions, 3) developing a greater level of understanding of each other, 4) investing in each other, praying for each other, and serving each other, and 5) learning to communicate and work our issues and differences. As you can see, this stage is essential in learning some of the basic and necessary information about who the other person is before one can decide if marriage to this person is right.

Finally, if after a period of principled romance, there is a general good feeling among the couple and their families about the prospects for this relationship, then they are ready to enter the last stage before marriage, one we are all familiar with, called engagement. The man, once again, is required to take the initiative and "pop the question." Of course, this worn out phrase suggests that the question comes as a big surprise, and our modern culture loves to capitalize on this since it appeals to our romantic ideals. In reality, marriage is a serious matter, and when the question comes, it should by no means come as any surprise. I hate to be the one to spoil the romantic flair of this important ritual, and certainly a romantic setting can be chosen for this occasion. But the surprise element must go, since too often, when asking for a lady's hand in marriage came as a big surprise, then an even bigger surprise of divorce with all the consequent difficulties may soon follow. The man should be well enough prepared to know the answer to the question when he asks, and if he is surprised by the answer, then he may have misread the relationship. Of course, if the answer is yes, and the answer nonetheless may require a bit of time for reflective thought and prayer on the part of the lady, then the couple enters the stage of planning for a wedding and for the rest of their lives. Joshua cautions again to avoid physical intimacy during engagement, although as stated earlier, holding hands may be considered appropriate at this point. He reminds us that our bodies belong to God, and so in order to be honoring to Him, we must refrain from further physical intimacy. Again, if we find ourselves moving too quickly, then we must question our motives with the other person. Are we really interested in spending the rest of our lives with this other person, or do we seek their company solely to satisfy our physical and sexual desires? Joshua warns us that kissing, touching and caressing will only lead to compromise and disappointment. Purity at this stage enables us to focus on the soul of our chosen mate. When physical intimacy progresses, then emotional and spiritual intimacy often diminishes.

I hope you find Joshua Harris' stages in building a romantic relationship as helpful as I have. For further clarification, please purchase his book, as I have seen it not only in Christian book stores, but in the major book chains as well. He also has written a new book since then which I have not read, and which you may wish to check out. If you have any questions for me, please feel free to forward them via my e-mail address listed below. Take care, and may God bless all of your endeavors.

The Lord's Heavenly Answer ~ from a man's worldly perspective (essay).

Movies for Christians ~ offers suggestions for movies for the Christian.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ ~ Provides a complete outline of the New Testament Gospel.

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This web site is maintained by Turning Point Youth & Family Counseling
Jeffrey C. Pearce, M.Ed., LPC, LCAS, MAC, Executive Director
Please send comments and suggestions via e-mail to: jcp22@mindspring.com