Mission Statement
March 6, 2001
Welcome to the Ann Landers Rebuttal Page. Whereas I feel compelled to give Ann Landers credit for being a pioneer in the world of syndicated advice columns, I have to say, I feel that her advice often isn't very sound. As a twentysomething New Yorker, I expect that my take on other people's problems is quite different from Ann's. At any rate, I feel that Ann's (and my own) readers can only benefit from multiple points of view, and I tend to think that Ann would agree. I'm not so sure how keen her lawyers are on the idea, though.
Although I can't make any promises, I hope to update this site frequently. The more popular it becomes, the more incentive I will have to keep it fresh for you.
It is my philosophy that advice isn't meant to be taken. It is meant merely to be heard and considered. In the end, your own mind, heart, and guts are what guides you. Listen to them, not us or anyone else.-- Cath
Visit Ann Landers and the Web, for all your Ann Landers needs . . .
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I am 38 years old and have been married to "Kirby" for 17 years. We have three children. Kirby was furious when I became pregnant with our last child. He wanted me to get an abortion, but I refused. For the last four months of the pregnancy, he wanted nothing to do with me, physically or emotionally. We slept in separate bedrooms and barely spoke. In fact, he didn't know I had gone into labor until I phoned him from the hospital. He replied, "I told you I wouldn't be there for this child, and I meant it." That was two years ago. Now that the child is here, you would never know there had been a problem. He adores her. Unfortunately, that hasn't made me feel any better about the way he treated me, and I cannot get over it. When the baby was 6 months old, I asked Kirby if he feels guilty, and he didn't answer. Our marriage has been strained ever since. I have distanced myself emotionally, and we rarely have sex. I have never cheated on him, but I've been tempted more than once. Kirby is a wonderful provider and a good father, but I am lonely. I have asked him to go with me for counseling, but he refuses. I still love Kirby, but I can't live like this any longer. Please tell me what to do. Disconnected in New York City
DEAR DISCONNECTED: If Kirby won't go with you for counseling, go alone. I doubt this man is still angry with you for getting pregnant, since he is so crazy about the child. He apparently doesn't want to take responsibility for his reprehensible behavior, and you are still holding a grudge. You need to talk to a professional about your dysfunctional marriage. Get going, and good luck.
DEAR DISCONNECTED: Kirby's temper sounds kind of like mine. Most of the time, I'm the most chill person you're likely to meet. But when I get angry, it's with inhuman intensity, and it roars full blast for months. And it's usually directed towards the people I love the most. And it's always stupid. By the time I calm down enough to realize how badly I've hurt the object of my wrath, I refuse to believe that he or she could ever forgive me for being such a cold and heartless bitch. So I don't say anything about whatever sparked the thing in the first place, because I don't want to worry the wound, but I try to demonstrate that I've banished Evil Cath, by being the good and decent person everyone knew and loved so well. Now, Kirby. He's being a good daddy to the child he swore never to be there for. I think Kirby knows that you're still not over the way he treated you -- he probably doesn't expect you to get over it, ever, because he knows that what he did was bad. You will never be really okay with it, but please forgive Kirby anyway, for his sake, and your children's, and your own.
DEAR ANN LANDERS: My best friend has financial troubles he is unaware of because his wife has been keeping it a secret. Apparently, she has been taking out loans from various banks in order to pay their bills. He has no idea they are in debt and continues to spend money, thinking he can afford to do so. His wife told a girlfriend about this in confidence. The girlfriend mentioned it to me because she knew I was a good friend of the husband, and she believes he should be told what is going on. Should I tell him? I don't want to get in the middle of something that is none of my business, but I'd hate to see my friend wind up losing his home because of this. Money Trouble in Virginia
DEAR VIRGINIA: Talk to the girlfriend who mentioned this to you, and suggest that she tell the wife to be honest with her husband. They must work on their financial problems together before they become unmanageable. Marriage should be a partnership in every sense of the word. Beyond that, MYOB.
DEAR VIRGINIA: Stay out of it.
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I just wanted you to know that I am 100 percent on your side regarding the "tradition" of smashing a piece of cake in the bride's face after the wedding ceremony. You said it was disrespectful and crude and that you saw nothing funny about it. I was upset when my husband did this to me, but I kept quiet at the time. When I mentioned it to him later, he said I wasn't a good sport and accused me of having no sense of humor. He said the clergyman laughed, too. Ann, smashing cake in my face was a pretty good indicator of things to come. He turned out to be a domineering and cruel husband, totally unconcerned about my feelings. If I had known, I would have left him at the wedding reception and saved myself a lot of grief. No Longer a Bride in Chicago
DEAR CHICAGO: Thanks for the confirmation. I know of no clergyperson who thinks smashing cake in the bride's face is acceptable. I checked with several denominations, and they all thought it was disrespectful and appalling.
DEAR CHICAGO: I think it's kind of funny. But no one in my entire extended family has ever been down with the cake-in-the-face thing, and consequently, no groom has ever smashed cake in the face of his bride at any wedding I have ever attended. I'm sorry that your husband managed to conceal his domineering and cruel nature from you until your wedding reception.
Home | Archives | Detailed Stats provided by Hitbox
Ann's words are copyright 2001, Creators Syndicate, Inc. Cath's words copyright 2001, Catherine McGivney. Cath has never sought, and Ann Landers and Creators Syndicate have never granted, permission to use the Ann Landers column on this website.