The Ann Landers Rebuttal Page

DEAR ANN LANDERS: Last week, I was at a restaurant and needed to use the ladies' room. I was washing my hands when a tall, heavyset woman entered. I realized this was a man dressed as a woman. I am an open-minded person, Ann, but I felt extremely uncomfortable. My daughter said, "If he is dressed like a woman and feels like a woman, it is perfectly OK for him to use the ladies' washroom." I say, if he is a male, he should use the men's room. Will you settle the argument? - A He or a She in New Jersey

Ann said:

DEAR N.J.: I would be willing to bet that the person you encountered in the ladies' room was indeed a woman. Tall females who wear pantsuits are not uncommon these days, and with the chic, short haircuts, they DO look quite masculine. However, if indeed this person was a transvestite, he was not a threat to you. In fact, using the men's room dressed that way could have been dangerous for him. Because women's bathrooms have stalls and there is no need to expose oneself, I say let him use the bathroom he is most comfortable with.

Cath says:

DEAR N.J.: If he needed to fix his eyeliner or something, he was in the right bathroom. If he really wanted to pee standing up, he'd have gone to the men's room anyway. My own personal view is that all bathrooms would be unisex if the urinal had never been invented. But now we have this whole concept instilled in us, that only females should use the ladies' room and vice versa. It's really kind of silly. But we're not likely to have Ally McBeal-style unisex bathrooms any time soon, so i just try and remember to use only the ladies' room, for the time being.

DEAR ANN LANDERS:I have been married for 12 years and have a 6-year-old son. My husband has informed me that he wants to give up his job and be a rock-and-roll star. "Dan" insists he can make a lot of money recording. The problem is, I find his music disgusting. Dan's lyrics are about killing people, having sex with several women and taking drugs. (He does none of these things.) He says you need to have lyrics like this or the songs won't sell. I want to be supportive of my husband, but cannot stand the kind of music he believes he must produce to be successful. What should I do? - Musician's Wife in New York

Ann said:

DEAR N.Y. WIFE: Urge your husband to hang on to his day job. The field he is considering is crowded with professionals, and his chances of making it are exceedingly slim. Encourage him to find other ways to express his musical interests.

Cath says:

DEAR N.Y. WIFE: Hubby should keep day job, continue to develop his musical talents, but most importantly, he should note the following: If he doesn't write songs that are true to his own personal experience, he's unlikely to get anywhere. You only need to tell him this once. He probably won't listen, but he'll find out for himself eventually. Get him to write a power-ballad about you . . . it could be a smash hit.

DEAR ANN LANDERS:My brother and his wife have a 2-year-old son. They expect me to come over twice a week to see their son, in addition to every weekend. This is entirely too much for me. I make a big effort to see my nephew a couple of hours every Sunday and am willing to baby-sit when I don't have other plans, but that is not enough for my brother. When my sister-in-law asked me to baby-sit last month, I said I wasn't feeling well - which was true. They were very cool to me for several days. I love my nephew and want to see him, but their insistence that I spend more time with their child is putting a serious strain on our relationship. Am I wrong about this? - Can't Win in New York

Ann said:

DEAR N.Y.: You are not wrong. Don't allow your brother and his wife to lay a guilt trip on you. Visit their son at your convenience, and make no apologies.

Cath says:

DEAR N.Y.: Jeezuz, I was lucky if I saw some of my aunts and uncles once a year! If you can't visit your nephew three times a week, it doesn't mean you love him any less. By the time the kid's in school, and going to soccer practice, and silly kiddie birthday parties, he won't have much time to visit with you! So don't feel bad . . . Spend what time you can with the kid, according to your own schedule. Eventually, your brother and his wife will get used to it.

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