Mission Statement
March 6, 2001
Welcome to the Ann Landers Rebuttal Page. Whereas I feel compelled to give Ann Landers credit for being a pioneer in the world of syndicated advice columns, I have to say, I feel that her advice often isn't very sound. As a twentysomething New Yorker, I expect that my take on other people's problems is quite different from Ann's. At any rate, I feel that Ann's (and my own) readers can only benefit from multiple points of view, and I tend to think that Ann would agree. I'm not so sure how keen her lawyers are on the idea, though.
Although I can't make any promises, I hope to update this site frequently. The more popular it becomes, the more incentive I will have to keep it fresh for you.
It is my philosophy that advice isn't meant to be taken. It is meant merely to be heard and considered. In the end, your own mind, heart, and guts are what guides you. Listen to them, not us or anyone else.-- Cath
The site that inspired me to drive out to K-mart and buy a bottle of Nair
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I am five months' pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I are very excited about it, but we are also a little nervous. Please explain to me why people seem to go out of their way to spoil the pleasure of our anticipation. Here are some of the things they have said: "Your marriage will never be the same." "Your husband will treat you like you are his mother instead of his wife." "Expect to cut way back on sex. Motherhood does that." "You will never go out and have fun together or have a meaningful conversation again. You'll notice the change right away." "Your house will be a mess. The first thing to go are the carpets." "You will never have any clothes without a stain somewhere." "From now on, money will always be a problem. Forget about luxuries and the fun stuff. They are a thing of the past." Why do people say such terrible things to expectant couples? Please explain this to us. We don't get it. - Baffled in Troy, Ohio
DEAR TROY: These are friends? They don't sound very friendly to me. They may think they are being funny, but their comments are mean and spiteful. You should be listening to couples who have solid marriages and are enjoying their offspring. They are the real authorities.
DEAR TROY: The first songs you will sing to your newborn will probably include the one about the baby who falls out of a treetop cradle. Will this make you a bad mother? No. In fact, most old lullabys and fairy tales involve some really dark and disturbing stuff, before you get to the happy ending (added much, much later, after many retellings, and huge societal changes.) Life ain't pretty. Our great-great-grandparents made up these stories to inoculate us against the bad things that can happen to us. And, you know what? For every gurgle and coo and spit bubble, you're gonna have ten gallons of farina on the kitchen walls and two boxes of crayons shoved into the radiator. And you're gonna love it. Having a baby does change everything. Everything. And your friends are just trying to be good friends by giving you the heads up. Hear them out.
DEAR ANN LANDERS: I have been married to "Jed" for 13 years, and we have three beautiful children. I love my husband dearly, but his insecurities are driving me crazy. Last summer, my children and I visited my parents in Florida for two weeks. Jed called every day to ask where I was going and if I could come home earlier. When I did get home, he was depressed and miserable. I insisted we get counseling, which we did for four weeks, but I don't think it helped. I am planning to visit my parents again in the summer, and this time I would like to stay for three weeks. Every time I bring up the subject, Jed tells me our family should never be separated and he cannot go through another depression like the one he had last summer. Ann, I am suffocating. I don't want to start an argument with Jed, but I need some space or I will lose my mind. Am I wrong to want to spend a few weeks with my parents? How can I get Jed to calm down? - Suffocated in New Jersey
DEAR N.J.: Why is Jed so dependent? Is he afraid something terrible will happen while you are away from him? When you and the children are visiting your folks, is there a place Jed can go? How about a weekend fishing trip with his buddies? The depression Jed suffered last summer sounds like an ongoing problem. Perhaps medication would help. This man needs more assistance than you can provide. Please check with a professional for guidance.
DEAR N.J.: This man needs less assistance. Do you tend to take charge of the household chores? (I know it doesn't relate directly to your question, but listen.) If you, well, gently encourage Jed to have more autonomy, to do things for himself when you're around, then he'll become more independent, and hopefully, cope better when you're gone. (Tip for raising a puppy: Give it an alarm clock to cuddle with in its bed so it doesn't miss the heartbeat of its mother, and leave the radio on when you go out so that it has the company of human voices. It may howl the first few days but it'll get used to the situation . . . and it will always, always be happy to see you when you come home!)
DEAR ANN LANDERS: You recently printed an essay titled "Job Description for a Parent." The author of this piece is Annette Clifford, a parenting/humor columnist for Florida Today. Her original column was published in our newspaper on Feb. 8, 1999. Please inform your readers. - Bob Stover, Managing Editor, Florida Today, Melbourne, Fla.
DEAR BOB STOVER: Thank you for letting me know that Annette Clifford is the author. She deserves credit for that charming essay.
DEAR BOB STOVER: Just between you and me, Ann's wrong to run things anonymously first, and credit the author later! (That's only okay for mass email forwards!)
Ann's words are copyright 2001, Creators Syndicate, Inc. Cath's words copyright 2001, Catherine McGivney. Cath has never sought, and Ann Landers and Creators Syndicate have never granted, permission to use the Ann Landers column on this website.