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Other Articles...
When we were born, we were unable to think or care for ourselves. In the terms of the Transactional Analysis therapy system, our own inner "Child" (that part of us that feels, explores and is sensitive) experienced emotions and expressed energy; but our inner "Adult" (that aspect of us that thinks logically, analyzes things and makes decisions) and our inner "Parent" (the internal part of us that nurtures and guides ourselves and others) were not yet developed. We, therefore, had to rely on our biological parents and other adults to take care of us and meet our needs. As we grew up, our own inner Adult and inner Parent developed as we observed and learned from the adults around us. Assuming we had healthy role models and learned well, we then could take good care of ourselves when we left home. According to Al Pesso (and as expanded by Jackie Damgaard, Ph.D.), there are at least eight basic needs that our own inner Child (or the inner Child of each of our children) requires to mature and thrive. These needs are listed below, along with the ideal messages that we craved in response to these needs. Also specified are the problems that may arise if these needs were not met when we were a child (or are not currently being met by our own inner Parent and inner Adult).
Our need for BELONGING involves a creating a home. The way parents ideally can respond to this need is by saying things like, "You have a special place in our hearts. You belong here with us. We've created a home for you." The possible problems we might have if our needs for belonging are not met include being: shy, isolated, insecure, fearful in groups, anxious about separation, and/or confused about our identity. We also might have trouble feeling like we belong in a relationship.
NURTURING includes caring, comforting, loving, nourishing and being affectionate. Parents ideally say, "We love you and will take care of you. We feel good about you. We'll hold you and hug you. We'll provide nourishment for you." If these needs are not met, the following problems might occur: eating disorders (over eating or under eating); workaholism (from not being able to give or accept nurturing); relationship difficulties around nurturing and physical affection; and/or not taking good care of ourselves (leading to burnout, depression, and boredom).
SUPPORT involves both feeling "backed up" as well as being encouraged to solve problems and take risks. The ideal parental messages include: "We're here for you. We'll help you figure it out. We'll encourage you to try new things and take appropriate risks. We'll teach you what you need to know." The possible problems we might have if we don't feel adequately supported include: helplessness and dependency; panic about new experiences; difficulties solving problems; and/or unwillingness asking for help.
PROTECTION involves creating a safe environment. The ideal parental messages that foster a sense of protection include: "Although we understand you might feel afraid; you are safe with us. We won't leave you unprotected from danger and harm." When we don't feel safe and protected, we might have the following problems: anxiety, fearfulness, timidity, skepticism, relationship problems about trust, or, on the other hand, counter-phobia, in which one takes very inappropriate and dangerous risks.
STRUCTURING involves setting rules and limits. The messages that children ideally need include: "This is the way that things work. We'll set the rules and limits so you'll be free to focus on growing up." For those whose structuring needs were not met ideally, they may become over structured (by being obsessive and compulsive) or under structured (with lateness, procrastination, addictions and non-assertiveness).
CONTAINMENT refers to the management of emotional expression. The ideal parental messages include, "You can express your emotions around us. Your emotions aren't too intense for us to handle and help you learn to handle." The problems for individuals who have not learned to handle their emotions include an unbounded physical expression of feeling (sometimes leading to abuse), or repressed emotions and numbness due to a fear of expressing them.
RESPECT involves being valued as an individual. Children ideally need to hear: "You are separate from me, and you are special. I respect your individuality. You can come and go as you need to (as long as you are safe) and I will still be here. Eventually you will leave me to live your own life." The problems that may come with a lack of respect include: a lack of sense of individual self, difficulty leaving home, relationship addiction (a desire for inappropriately close attachment to another person such that one cannot function autonomously).
The need for BONDING involves being able to observe an appropriate and positive relationship. In this, the parents ideally say, "We're connected -- you cannot separate us; nor is it your job to keep us together. You are special to me but are not more important to me than my spouse. We'll show you how a good relationship works." If children do not observe a good relationship, they will have difficulty forming and maintaining their own relationships.
We cannot relive our childhood; but we can learn to better meet the needs of our own inner Child by teaching our inner Parent more ideal messages. In so doing, we will not only feel better but we will lead a more satisfying and effective life. We will further be able to better provide the more ideal parenting responses for our own children as they grow up.