Arthur Penn’s
BARNEY AND CLYDE
Sales have slowed to a trickle in Depression-stricken Oklahoma and Barney, a plush toy who comes alive at night, despairs as his shelf-life becomes devoid of meaning. When a brash young man with the devil in his eye chances by to purchase a latex Herbert Hoover mask for use in his next bank robbery, Barney transforms himself into a lumbar support that Clyde can’t do without. Man and toy are off on a crime spree that rivets the attention of a nation until they are cornered by the FBI and the screen explodes in a slow motion orgy of spattered blood and bullet-blown Quallo-fil, a registered trademark, machine washable, tumble dry on low.

Alfred Hitchcock’s
THE PTERODACTYLS
A schoolteacher in Bodega Bay is the first to notice them. Are they just very large pelicans or something more sinister? Before long every telephone line in sight is hanging heavily with...the Pterodactyls. Terror is total until the flying carnivores ingest the entire starting lineup of the high school football team and are overcome by steroids. Just when the danger seems passed, a marketing executive, passing through town only to make sure that the local store is still carrying Snapple, spirits away the sole surviving fledgling, and uses it as a model for “Pterry, the Ptalking Pdoll.” Almost overnight, the entire country is reduced to a nation of airheads singing silly songs and minding their manners.

Oliver Stone’s
THE SAURS
Sixties rock group T-Rex is on tour in Costa Rica. When their lead singer leaps into the crowd during a spirited performance and eats the president of that small republic, a Congressional investigation finds no evidence of wrongdoing. This despite the fact that the dental records of the singer and the bite marks on the statesman are an exact match! The President’s brother organizes a team of Vietnam vets who uncover an international conspiracy of a cabal involving the re-animated bodies of dead rock stars disguised as Ramphorhynchi.

Dr. Grant assures a local he won’t press charges about the car.

Spike Lee’s
DO THE REX THING
At a New York theme park, dinosaurs from the Jurassic Era are thrown together with dinosaurs from the Cretaceous and the mix is predictable: trouble. Big Cretaceous herbivore Polocanthus dominates the landscape with his thundering boom box and bristles under his armored plates when he recalls ten million years of being low reptile on the food chain. It all comes to a head when “Polo” dares to eat a goat and is stunned to death by park personnel, leading to a riot of crushed Marsh ferns and uprooted Proto-palm trees. Perhaps the advancing polar ice cap will arrive in time to cool the sweltering, tropical heat, but at 18 inches per year, hope is small.

Dennis Hopper’s
EASY RAPTOR
A pair of malcontent Hypsilophodons flee their hopelessly square nest in Costa Rica and, finding opposable thumbs work wonderfully for shifting gears, cleverly learn to operate a pair of Harley Davidsons. They take off across Central America in pursuit of...well, it’s not exactly clear what. A renegade geneticist in Michoacan tweaks their genes so they become addicted to Lone Star Beer instead of lysine, but even that doesn’t keep them out of trouble. First they get kicked out of a bar for assuming that a Latvian tourist is a free hors d’oeuvre, then they get thrown in jail for walking across the street funny (the local citizenry can’t abide those bobbing heads). They escape by chewing through the cell bars, but are later impaled by a mechanical Triceratops at a roadside tourist trap. Leave the kids at home for this one.

John Huston’s
NIGHT OF THE IGUANA
Richard Burton plays a down-and-out tour guide at a dinosaur theme park in Mexico. One particularly frightening night, he starts in on a bottle mescal and doesn’t stop until he’s eaten the worm. It is at that point that the frisky local iguanas take on the dimensions of actual 30' Iguanodons. Once again sober, it occurs to him that they would make dandy tourist souvenirs if only they had fake sails attached to their backs. That’s when the real Iguanodons show up. Burton gets fired and tries to commit suicide by positioning himself near a pack of “Igs” and posing as fan-leafed gingko. Unfortunately, the real Iguanodons really are iguanas with sails attached to their backs. Fine performances by Burton and Ava Gardner manage to keep the ravenous pack of Criticadons at bay.

David Lynch’s
ERASAURHEAD
The director of The Elephant Man and Twin Peaks dips his magic wand into the surrealistic world of dinosaurs with this cult classic. Jack Nance stars as a confused human married to a crested Hadrosaur. In a tribute to the wizardry of modern special effects, their offspring looks like the skinned remains of a penguin. At least this part makes sense, since birds are actually the descendants of dinosaurs—or is the other way ’round? Anyway, things get really interesting when the couple, driven to distraction by the piteous wails of their progeny, sell him, her, or it to a team of paleontologists and the nightmare begins. Mercifully in black and white.

Lawrence Kasdan’s
THE BIG CHILL
An Archaeopteryx flies in to join seven Plateosauri as they gather to mourn the loss of the forgetful Phytosaur who feigned death to discourage an Allosaurus, only to recall belatedly that the Allosaurus’ motto is “the only good meal is a dead one.” As they pass the night in reminiscing, they gaze skyward and notice a mammoth asteroid streak across the sky. When the earth shakes like jelly they dismiss it as the rumble of a distant Megalosaurus heeding the call of nature and retire. Meg’s biological clock goes off at 6:00 AM and she rouses the others to greet the dawn. Something is missing. The sun.

Francis Ford Coppola’s
APOCALYPSE PRETTY SOON
A tale as poignant now as it was 65 million years ago. A squadron of six assorted late-Cretaceous mammals journey deep into the last remaining jungle. Their mission: to either convince a bossy Brachiosaurus to start having live births and suckling its young, or mark him for Extinction. “Eggs are out,” they insist. “Big is out! At 3,000 pounds of leaves a day, you gonna run out of jungle, stupid. And Brachi-boy, ever think about regulating your own body heat for a friggin’ change? Criminy, grow some fur—put on a pair of pants—something! It’s friggin’ cold, man. Hey, I’m talking to you!’

Victor Fleming’s
THE LIZARD OF OZ
No, Dorothy, you’re not in Kansas anymore. In fact, you’re not even in North American, since our continent as we know it was just starting to drift this way from Pangaea two hundred twenty five million years ago. In spite of her predicament, Dorothy finds new friends and plenty of time to speculate on the nature of Chaos Theory in this all-ear classic. Linking arms with a dippy Diplodocus, a cowardly Coelophysis (Co-el-LOF-i-sis) and a tiny, tinny Titanasaurus (Ti-TAN-a-saurus), she’s off to see the Lizard (LIZ-ard). Since the audience knows full well that his species is down to its last million years of existence, it is particularly moving when Ray Bolger, gazing at the walnut in his claws, sings, “If I Only Had a Brain.”

The cast of Jurassic Park considers the plot changes suggested by Video Guide.

The preceding scenarios are fictitious and do not represent actual works in progress. Any similarities to persons living or dead are completely coincidental, unintentional and mere good fortune.