Guessing why

I am often reminded just how infrequently I really know why people are behaving they way they are, even though my mind always leaps in with an explanation.

Can't you just hear your brain?

That woman must be checking her teeth because she's heading in for an interview-- no one would wear those shoes if it weren't for an interview.

The cashier didn't touch my hand when he gave change. I wonder if he's afraid of my race.

My friend didn't want to go out for lunch because she's too busy today. I bet she just slept late this morning.

I was reminded of this concept of guessing why upon hearing a story the other day. It was about a Zen student studying at the San Francisco Zen Center. He had a habit of always explaining things to people, sometimes when they didn't want it. All the time, telling people why things were true, or how they worked, or how they came about. He had no idea he was doing it! So his teacher pulled him aside and gave him one instruction: For one year, he was not allowed to explain anything to anyone.

This caused immediate problems. He worked in a bakery, and people would stop by and ask for directions. He wasn't allowed to answer, so he got very skilled at finding someone else to answer, or otherwise deflecting the question. (He was not allowed to lie and just say he didn't know).

[He said this was a great lesson, by the way. He learned a lot about himself].

When I heard this story, I was reminded of a dark night in Texas a few months ago. I had rented a car and was trying to get to my hotel, but I got lost. I pulled into a gas station to ask for help, and the cashier refused to give me directions. He shrugged and looked out the window and otherwise indicated that he couldn't help me. I judged him to be lazy, or else acting on some command from his boss not to give away valuable information when they could be selling maps.

In desperation, I said, "Please! I really need help. Can't you help me at all?" He pointed vaguely toward a woman (customer) walking up the soft drink aisle. So I asked her, and she directed me back toward the right freeway. Then she bought her soda, got into the SUV next to me, and drove off.

I'm not saying the cashier was actually a Zen student practicing not explaining things to people. But I am saying that I really don't know why he wouldn't help me that night. There are a zillion reasons-- so many I can't even think of them all. And I can't judge him for my lack of imagination or knowledge.