Bob's Little Household Reference Library

The Government Man
from the collection of Elaine D. Keiser

The year is 1962 and the British Government's policy of Socialized Medicine has been extended to include "Proxy Papas." That is, any married woman not having a child in the first five years of marriage must receive the services of a Government Man who will attempt to be the means of her becoming a Mother.

The Smiths have no children and the Government Man is due. Smith leaves for work. He has a hang-dog look as he pecks his wife dutifully at the door.
Smith: I'm off, the Government Man should be here early.

He leaves and his wife pretties herself, putting on her most seductive negligee. But instead of the Government Man, a door-to-door photographer, specializing in baby pictures, knocks on her door.

Mrs.: Oh, Good morning.
Man: You probably don't know me, but I represent........
Mrs.: Oh, yes. You needn't explain. My husband said to expect you.
Man: I make a specialty of babies---especially twins.
Mrs.: That is what my husband said. Please sit down.
Man: Then your husband probably told you that---
Mrs.: Oh yes! We both agreed it is the best thing to do.
Man: Well, in that case, we may as well get started.
Mrs.: (blushing) Just--where do we start?
Man: Just leave everything to me, madam. I recommend two in the bathtub, one on the couch and a couple on the floor.
Mrs.: Bathtub- Floor- No wonder Harry and I........
Man: Well, my dear lady, even the best of us can't guarantee a good one every time. But, out of six, one is bound to be a honey. I usually have the best luck with the shot in the bathtub.
Mrs.: Pardon me, but it seems--uh--a bit informal .......
Man: No, indeed. In my line a man can't do his best work in a hurry. (He opens his album and shows the infant pictures to her.) Look at this baby. It's a good job, took four hours, but isn't she a beauty?
Mrs.: Yes, a lovely child.
Man: But for a tough assignment, look at this baby. Believe it or not, it was done on the top of a bus in Picadilly Circus.
Mrs.: My God!
Man: It's not hard when a man knows his job. My work is a pleasure. I spent long years perfecting my technique. Now, take this baby. I did it with one shot in Alexander's window.
Mrs.: I can't believe it!
Man: And here is a picture of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult. But I knocked off the job in Hyde Park on a snowy afternoon. I never worked under such difficult conditions ---- people were crowded around four or five deep, pushing to get a look.
Mrs.: Four or five deep?
Man: Yes, and more than three hours. But I had two bobbies helping me. I could have done another shot before dark, but by that time the squirrels were nibbling at my equipment and I had to give up. Well, madam, if you are ready, I'll set up my tripod and get to work.
Mrs.: Tripod?
Man: Yes, I always use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It is much to heavy for me to hold for any length of time.
Mrs.: Good Lord!
Man: Mrs. Smith, have you fainted?