Michael Barone of the Almanac of American Politics slapped himself on the forehead today, commenting, "I don't know what the Hell I've been talking about!" "Every other explanation of the Red-State/Blue-State Divide seems plum stupid now!"

The esteemed Mr. Barone, America's foremost political geographer by default, was referring of course to the shocking new Mac Johnson, the webpage geographic expose (above), in which the Presidential election of 2004 is entirely explained by two simple maps. The top image shows county-by-county results of the election. Counties won by Kerry are shown in Blue, while those won by Bush are shown in Red. The bottom map shows the results of a recent study by the Department of Health and Human Services, quantifying marijuana use by region, each region composed of one to several counties. Those regions in which more people are stoned are shown in pinky red. The scientific results are undeniable: Democrats are all on drugs.

Commented Howard Dean upon hearing of the study, "Republicans are pretty much an uptight, Sober Party" who are "not very friendly to stoned folks." Adding "These results purposely neglect the growing importance of medical marijuana in our society, which as a Doctor and someone who is --at this very moment-- stoned out of my freakin' mind, I resent."

Surprisingly, the most stoned city in America was John Kerry's hometown of Boston, Massachusetts. When asked for a comment on the high rate of self-medication in his city, Boston Mayor Mumbling Tom Menino responded, "Gjhj SHiUilu KJHKJhkh, Thwept."

Calls seeking comment from several marijuana legalization organizations went unanswered, although one organization left a recorded statement on their answering service: "Hello? Hello? What? Hey Man, is this thing on? Wait. [audible laughter] Who were we calling, Dave?"

Kerry himself responded to the expose with a 1600 page trilingual written statement, including: "I didn't inhale, before I did inhale, and I believe we should inhale, possibly, but through Asian water pipes in accordance with the World Health Organization recommendations on bongs and the environment."

In unrelated news this week, Sen. Hillary Clinton of New York introduced a bill into Congress immediately legalizing "self-prescribed medical cannabis at discount prices" in Ohio, New Hampshire, Iowa, and Florida.

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