Repent now or pay hail.

It is the mark of primitive societies that they often attribute natural disasters to the wrath of Gods and Spirits.  A drought is not just a statistical aberration in long-term rainfall patterns.  A drought is Nature’s punishment for the spiritual misdeeds of the farmers.  Perhaps they forgot to sacrifice enough chickens.  Or possibly they cut down an Oak from the sacred grove.  Or maybe they just kept too much of their harvest for themselves, rather than fully tithing to the Priest class, as the Gods have instructed –according to the Priests, of course.

Such primitive societies always have a Priest or Shaman class there to interpret every sheep’s liver, meteor shower and rancid egg for its own benefit.  If it rains too much, it was no doubt because the people failed to obey the Priest class.  If it rains too little, however, it is probably because the people failed to obey the Priest class.  So if the Priests need a new temple, or a bigger statue, or a younger virgin, or another chicken dinner, you peasants better pay up.  Otherwise…it might rain, or not rain, or perhaps the Earth will get warmer and cause a big Hurricane that’ll wipe all you ignorant peons clean off the face of the Earth.

We, of course, have advanced past the stage in which ignorant tithe-payers are ruled over by a class of fear-mongering weather-watching Holy men, who stand ready to blame every hail storm and flash flood on the spiritual sins of the masses –then demand ever greater control and sacrifice to intervene with the weather makers and protect society in the future. 

Today, we know that bad weather is actually caused by the technological sins of the masses and that our only hope of preventing future bad weather is to give ever-greater control and sacrifice to fear-mongering weather-watching know-it-alls like Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.

Shaman Kennedy, helpfully, informed the world this week that Hurricane Katrina was nature’s punishment upon America for not signing the High Holy Kyoto Protocol that he and the other Priests of the Cult of Global Warming support.  

Perhaps you thought Hurricanes were natural and somewhat random events that have occurred for ages untold.  True, but now Hurricanes are angrier, because you won’t stop buying cars and ride public transportation.  This particular Hurricane was angry at Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour for not believing in Global Warming, so it decided to attack Louisiana and kill all the people that could not leave because they didn’t own cars and depended upon public transportation.

You see, hurricanes are now clear evidence of Global Warming.  And if one hits you, it’s a Republican’s fault.  The harsh winter many of us had last year was also clear evidence of Global Warming.  As are:

1) Droughts

2) Floods

3) Tornadoes

4) Sunshine

5) Heat waves

6) Cold snaps

7) Hail storms

8) Gallstones

9) Dust storms

10) Rising sea levels

11) Falling sea levels

12) Wildfires

13) El Nino

14) El Gringo

15) Flamingoes

16) Ice bergs

The list goes on, because Global Warming is the Boogeyman –it’s impossible to prove it’s not there, if you want to believe it is.  Every creak, pop, shadow, caterwaul, scratch and moth at the window is proof of the Boogeyman and no amount of rational discussion can change that.  Essentially, those who want to prove Global Warming is both real and man-made have set as their standard of proof: weather.  Unless it is 67 degrees, partly cloudy, with winds out of the north northwest and we receive exactly 0.09 inches of rain per day --just like the records say is “average,” then you have to believe in Global Warming and give control of the world’s economy to men like Robert Kennedy.

If you fail to give control of all technology and money to Euro-greenies and Kennedys, then you will just get hit with more weather.  Don’t make them make it snow this winter –surrender now!

The whole thing would be funny, except that history shows that this sort of nonsense has actually formed the basis of remarkably bad and stable governments for much of mankind’s grubby impoverished existence.

One of America’s historical gems, New Orleans, is drowned.  Hundreds, if not thousands of people are dead there.  The Mississippi gulf coast looks like an atom bomb test range.  Scores are dead there.  Bodies are floating in the water.  American refugee camps are being constructed in sports arenas.  Looters are running rampant.  And Robert Kennedy sees this as the perfect time to make a power grab and tell the grieving families that a natural disaster was actually a man-made catastrophe.  Numerous others on the left, from Boston to Berlin, have joined him.

They are simply the political equivalent of looters: thieves who see in public tragedy an opportunity to satisfy their personal desires.  But they are worse than petty looters, for they would steal far more than a TV and a rack of blue jeans.  They would steal control, to fight a foe that can never be beaten: the weather itself.