Crock the vote!

 

It began, as many political maladies do, with Charlie Rangel.  The demographically unassailable New York Democrat, bolstered by his self-trumpeted veteran status, lovingly fulfilled his role as the Democrats’ speaker of unspeakable things.  America, he claimed, needs a military draft.  Believing that a Democrat actually wants a draft is a pretty hard sell, so Charlie dressed the issue up in a big liberal muumuu: “As a veteran, I strongly believe that fighting for our country must be fairly shared by all racial and economic groups.” 

 

But of course, the real reason for the coming draft, he said, was George W. Bush.  He was just using up so many little warm bodies that it was inevitable that we would have to send out the Soylant Green trucks sooner or later, to scoop up new cannon fodder in America’s schoolrooms and playgrounds.  Unless, of course, America were to, say, NOT RE-ELECT GEORGE W. BUSH AND ONLY VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS! 

 

And there it was: the Democrats want to campaign against a draft so badly, they’re prepared to introduce the issue and pass the legislation themselves if they have to.  Kind of like when one of those psychotic firemen sets things on fire so he can be a hero and put it out, only not so admirable.

 

There is a quote, attributed to General George Patton, that “Every army is perfectly prepared to re-fight the last war it fought”.  In the case of the Democrats, however, maybe that should read that they are “perfectly prepared to re-fight the last war they protested.”  The Democrats see Iraq as Vietnam, not militarily of course, but politically.  All they have to do is convince a few million people of that fact and Bingo!  They’re back in the White House again.  So it’s time for them to bring out a 35 year old play book, unfurl the red flag, and head into the streets to mobilize the perilously endangered youth of America and their fearful parents. 

 

Just one problem -if you don’t want to fight in Iraq, you don’t have to.  Damn!  Without the fear of amputation and death as an alternative to keg parties and sex, how will the Democrats ever get self-centered youngsters to put down that bong and pick up a ballot?  Easy: they’ll just make up a draft!  A SECRET draft.  A draft which is real and inevitable, but only George Bush knows about it, because it is the draft that will happen in his second term after he tricks America into voting for him.  The only thing that can stop little Connor and Ashley from being shipped off to Stalingrad on the Tigris is to NOT RE-ELECT GEORGE W. BUSH AND ONLY VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS! 

 

But are enough people really dumb enough to elect Kerry to stop a draft that doesn’t exist, President Bush has disavowed, and the Pentagon adamantly opposes?  The Democrats think so. 

 

“Rock the Vote!”, MTV’s non-partisan youth-targeted organization that doesn’t carry water for the Democrats or co-ordinate with them at all, has put “The Draft” front and center on their website’s “Why to Vote” page, quite literally.  Click on “War and The Draft” and you get a plethora of useful information that begins:

 

“A new Military Draft?”

 

“It’s on everyone’s lips.  And it directly affects YOU.”

 

Oh, a new “Military” draft… I get it now.  You see, I thought they were talking about the “NBA” draft -on account of there is no military draft.  But of course, it’s a secret (but really quite real) future military draft they’re talking about –one that you can only see after you’ve been educated by MTV.  I mean, it’s on everyone’s lips.  It’s the Madonna of politics.

 

A current “Rock the Vote!” print ad appearing in such outlets as Stuff magazine, a copy of which somehow ended up in my personal possession (I must have thought it was National Review when I bought it.  The covers do look so similar at times) shows a young African-American man –quite serious in expression- sitting in a Barber’s chair (the Barber also quite serious in expression) getting his impressive neo-afro trimmed under the words “Off to College…or Off to War?”  And get this –it may not be up to our seriously barbered friend.  There could be a draft!  And all of us who saw Full Metal Jacket just know what that’s going to do for his afro.  Outrage! 

 

Max Cleland, hatchet man for John Kerry, was a little less subtle in addressing the issue while speaking to a group of students at Colorado College.  “America will reinstate the military draft” if Bush is re-elected.  He somehow knows this to be true.  Here’s how: "Pay attention ... to what you've got going on in Iraq. That, ladies and gentlemen, is Vietnam. I've seen this movie before. I know how it ends. It does not end pleasantly," Yes, I know -at the end of basic training Private Pyle shoots that poor Drill Sergeant square in the chest!  No wait -that was Full Metal Jacket.  But the important thing is that life is a movie, and if you don’t see soon enough that George W. Bush is the villain, then you are going to end up as the “Gimp” in Pulp Fiction.

 

"There will be no draft when John Kerry is president" John Edwards told a worried mother who recently asked about the prospects for a coming draft (undoubtedly a spontaneous question).  The implication being that there very well might be a draft if we re-elect George W. Bush.  “There will be no invasion of mind-controlling ear parasites from Seti Alpha 5 when John Kerry is President”, I say.  Surely one should support Kerry then.  I’ve seen that movie, too, and I don’t want to risk the Bush ear-parasite policy escalating any further.

 

Then Howard Dean joined in (so I guess his political rehabilitation must be proceeding as planned).  "I think that George Bush is certainly going to have a draft if he goes into a second term, and any young person that doesn't want to go to Iraq might think twice about voting for him." he told aspiring draft dodgers at Brown University.  Maybe they should vote for Bush.  I mean, wouldn’t having a draft to actually dodge be cool?  First bell bottoms come back and now this.  Pass the doobie and burn me a bra, my brother.

 

Various news outlets have dutifully taken the bait, too.  This is a serious issue boiling on the back burner of a dozen campaign stories now.  If we don’t take steps to avoid the draft we don’t have, who knows what may happen?  “Will draft fears sway voters?” asked MSNBC.com recently.  Well, yeah -the dumb ones.  Maybe we should just take a page from that dumb dude in Stripes and enlist now before we get drafted (like Max Cleland, I see a lot of movies).

 

So now John Kerry has finally stepped up to his own dirty work and begun raising the issue.  In a West Palm Beach Forum, a voter named “Chad” asked a totally spontaneous question about the possibility of the draft being reinstated.  Said Kerry, "If George Bush were to be re-elected, given the way he has gone about this war and given his avoidance of responsibility in North Korea and Iran and other places, is it possible? I can't tell you."  Well, of course you can’t.  You can’t even tell me what you would do, let alone what George Bush would do.  I guess that’s what Howard Dean and Max Cleland are for.

 

The day may come when America needs to call upon its young people for compulsory military service.  If that happens, circumstances will surely be so dire that only the most self-important will seek to avoid the draft.  But that day is not today, nor November 3^rd.  The people do not want a draft, the military does not want a draft, and President Bush does not want a draft (I know because he has said so and he does what he says). 

 

John Kerry is the only one who wants a draft.  If elected President, would John Kerry secretly pass a draft bill conscripting little girls into the Marines Corps as part of a politically correct campaign to finally achieve sex parity in military burn wards and amputee centers?  I can’t say.  Maybe you kids should all vote for Bush –just to be safe.  Off to Girl Scouts… or Off to War?