In the morning, when mommy wakes me up for school sometimes she has to wake up Chris and that makes her mad. He comes into the bathroom when I'm brushing my teeth and he says the words that mommy washed my mouth out with soap for when I said them too. he calls me faggot and pushes me off my stepstool. It doesn't hurt. He calls me an eight year old retard. I tell him his long hair makes him look like a girl and his earrings make him look like a girl more. Then he splashes water in my face. I like when he does that but I never say so.

After school I go home and watch TV. Chris doesn't come home until dinner. I like to sneak in his room and look at his stuff when he's not around. He's got this humongous big pile of magazines under his bed with nice pictures of naked ladies in them. Some of the ladies have underwear on but a lot of them are naked and they are lying on beds and look like they're stretching out. They're all really pretty. He's got so many magazines under there there's no room for anything else except his smelly sneakers and some old socks.

I hear mommy call me downstairs so I push the magazines back under the bed.

Tonight after mommy tucks me in I'm going to ask Chris if mommy bought him those magazines. maybe she'll buy me some instead of the Disney ones. After she's back downstairs I sneak out of bed into Chris's room. He's got Metal-Licker on! I open the door and he's standing up—he's naked! he looks really gross without clothes on. I close the door but it slams. He jumps up and sees me and gets mad for not knocking. I start to cry and he yells shut up jerk because mom will come up and you'll get in trouble. I try to tell him why I came in but he says I'm blubbering. He sits down on the bed and tells me to sit next to him so I do. He's going to give me a noogie, I hope he doesn't give me a noogie because they hurt a lot when he gives them.

He asks what I saw him doing and I tell him. He laughs a lot and asks me if I like it when mommy washes in between my legs and I don't answer because I'm afraid he'll give me a noogie because I do. He laughs and says it's ok for me to tell him the truth. He promises he won't give me noogie. it feels so good I tell him. Mommy yells whenever I touch myself there so I don't but sometimes at night I rub my winkie against the sheets really hard. Chris laughs and says sheets are for kids, this is the big brother way to do it and he shows me what he was doing naked. Make a fist he says and move it back and forth like this and he moves his hand really fast and his winkie stands up. He says that when you do it right white stuff comes out of the end instead of pee. It takes a couple of times to get it right but it feels so good you're not gonna care. He gives me a kiss goodnight and says don't tell mom, ok? It's not a bad thing to do this but mom's a girl and she wouldn't understand. Girls don't have winkies. It's our secret, ok? He gives me a noogie and says get to bed faggot.

—J. Shapiro