Before I begin telling
you my story of how I ended up in the slammer, there are several things I
want to make perfectly clear. I really do love my family, but
honestly there are some times when they refuse to listen to my side of
the story. Also, I think you need to know that Gretchen is not
the great detective she thinks she is! I know for a fact she
will do anything for a biscuit & besides she loves getting me into trouble!
I guess I will start
telling you about Mommy's dolly. It used to sit in the highchair in
the kitchen right next to the door. Now, let me explain to you that
the stupid old doll would try to kick me with her legs every time I wanted
to go out the door. I really did get tired of hearing Mommy talk about how pretty
that dumb old doll was. She was always watching me with her evil
eyes & I just knew she was going to attack me one day. I got
tired of her taunting me & I guess I just got a little carried
away. I never dreamed anyone would notice she was gone!
Now, about my
fuzzy, brown teddy bear. He was very soft & cuddly. I would
squeeze him until my chops were sore & he never ever squeaked. It
wasn't the fact that he didn't make any noise that got to me. It was
his giant nose & I really didn't want him nosing around in my personal
business (like Gretchen does). I solved the problem for him by
removing his stupid old nose.
That guy called
"Santa" gave me some toys last Christmas. I liked the reindeer ok, but
his nose just didn't fit his personality so I took it off for him. Now
as for that skunk, the only reason I pulled all of his stuffing out was I
once heard they smelled awful. I was just checking out the facts for
I was sure the purple
bunny that Santa gave me was listening to everything Gretchen was telling my
parents, so I had to try take his ears off (one snitch in the family is
It was absolutely
necessary for me to remove the eye from the little bear Mommy used to keep
on her nightstand. Every time I woke up in the morning he was staring
at me & I did not like that. I suppose I could have left his nose on,
but by now you know I do not want anyone nosing around in my business.
I really do have a
good excuse for tearing up those funny "net" things my mommy
keep on her bathtub. I HATE getting baths & I just knew daddy was
going to start scrubbing me with them - They Had To Be Destroyed! I
don't think Daddy was very happy when Mommy informed him perhaps he should
start buying them by the truckload!
that Gretchen & I wear seat belts in the car. I HATE them because I
can't even jump around & look out the windows. I can do absolutely
nothing but sit there & get very bored! I got mad this one day &
chewed through mine - I just wanted to jump up in the front seat & kiss
Mommy. I knew I was in deep trouble though when Mommy called Daddy at
his office & screamed "you owe me a seat belt - you can get it at Pets Mart"
& then slammed down the phone.
I vowed not to chew
through my seat belt ever again, because Mommy was so mad & Daddy had to buy
another seat belt for me. What finally led to my incarceration was
just another little misunderstanding. We were on our way to our cabin
in Mommy's car & I just knew Gretchen would appreciate it if I chewed off
her seatbelt for her. Honestly, all I was trying to do was help her
be more comfortable! But, it's like I said earlier sometimes my
family just won't listen to my side of things!