In the darkest winter months, when the cloud ceiling is low and gray and the days are short, I may be wearing Gore-Tex and Polar Fleece on top, but there's likely an aloha shirt underneath.  How come so?

Well, really it's just that they're so overwhelmingly cheerful.  No matter how dark the day, or how many things go wrong, it's hard to be unhappy when you're wearing a fine aloha shirt.  It's like being vaccinated against gloom; put on a cheerful Hawaiian shirt and all your problems seem less important.  Raining outside?  You need aloha.  Job troubles?  An aloha shirt can't hurt.  In hot water with the missus?  You probably need that extra bit of mojo from an aloha shirt with hula girls on it.  You get the idea; wear an aloha shirt and life is a little bit brighter all around. 

In Hawaii, an aloha shirt is a kind of lesser reflection of reality.  All around you is the wide blue ocean, the bright flowers, the palm trees.  Surfers launch themselves on the waves, schoolchildren make and sell flower leis to earn extra money, and wahines wear sweet perfumes that smell like jungle blossoms.  The whole place all around you is acting like the brightest, most cheerful aloha shirt you can imagine, come to life and big enough to be a state.  When you wear an aloha shirt in Hawaii, you become part of that picture, a contributor.  This is a Good Thing. 

But what about aloha shirts outside of the islands?  What do they say about you?  Well, that depends; a bit on you, a bit on the shirt you pick out.  Now I'm certainly not GQ here, but perhaps some tips from a long-time aloha shirt boy might help:

Tip #1: Know Thyself.  What colors look good on you?  You may wander into Hilo Hatties and see amazing day-glo shades of neon orange and pink, but (stage whisper...) they probably look kinda funny on.  It's even worse when you shop online - the bright reds and oranges jump right off the page at you and shout "Buy Me!"  I've learned to favor blues, greens, earth tones.  When in doubt, be subtle.

Tip #2: The Material Matters.  No matter how great it looks in the picture, those cotton-poly numbers are not the choice.  Rayon is drapey and sharp, cotton is the most comfortable, and the wonderful cotton lawn is best of all.  Wander through Macy's and touch all the shirts; trust your hands.  If you're having a hard time deciding between two otherwise good shirts, pick the one made out of the highest quality cotton. 

Tip #3: Send The Right Message.  Here's where you think about brands and design.  Are you a fisherman?  Kahala is the brand for you; they must have a hundred different patterns with fish in them.  Play golf?  Probably half your mates wear Tommy Bahama already, you'll fit right in if you do too.  Sports fan?  Check out the Reyn Spooner shirts with Pro Baseball or Football teams on them.  Hawaiian businessmen favor Tori Richard shirts (me too!).  Hawaiian youth and everyday people like nice cotton shirts from local brands like RJC and Pacific Edge. Tourists like really loud orange and pink numbers with the Aloha Tower and cocktails on them; these go especially great with light blue shorts, sandals and dark socks. 

That said, don't be all strict.  Find things that make you happy when you wear them and wear those.  I'll admit a bit of a soft spot for shirts with flowered leis and hula girls, they're like getting an double shot of aloha.  My ten year old son Miles positively drools over Hawaiian shirts with military planes on them.  There's something out there for everybody. 

As I write this, in the summer of 2002, I realize I am briefly fashionable.  All around me in Downtown Seattle are men in tropical shirts.  This will pass; a time will come this winter when I am, shall we say, unseasonable.  The black-on-black disciples of Kenneth Cole will march past in lockstep, cellphones to ears, Grande Triple Vanilla Machiattos, No Foam, Extra-Hot in hand, the very picture of businesslike winter behavior.  But are they happy?  Go ahead you guys, run the aloha shirt season out a few more months and see how much easier you slide on through the winter.  Give it a try. 

Finally, a bit of historical perspective.  You may not have realized that some well-known quotations were penned with aloha shirts specifically in mind.  Certainly "The clothes make the man." holds the key to the aloha shirt experience.  And think where we'd be today if "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." had not been usurped by the powerful international necktie sales cartel.  Finally, reporters misunderstood Teddy Roosevelt; what he really said was "Talk softly and wear a loud shirt."