Rewrite Example

This is the video script created by a public relations agency writer for Egleston Childrens Hospital. It is a recruitment video for women professionals and homemakers to become hospital volunteers.

Before:

          VIDEO                             AUDIO

TWO WOMEN JOGGING TOGETHER,      NARRATOR:  Each of these women
WOMAN TYING A BOW IN A CHILD'S   have one very important thing
HAIR, CAREER WOMAN OPENING A     in common.
CHILD'S BRIEFCASE,
WOMAN PAINTING ON A CLOWN FACE.
                                 They are reaching outside them-
WOMEN WITH SICK KIDS...READING,  selves and their individual lives
PLAYING, HELPING ONE WALK WITH   to help the most critically ill
AN IV POLE IN HALL.              children in the state of
                                 Georgia...
ETC.
After a complete rewrite by the Script Doctor, the video now opens with a dramatized emergency seen from the child's point of view. This opening sequence ends with a hospital volunteer comforting the child.

After: The Rewritten Opening

            VIDEO                           AUDIO

     1. INSIDE OF MOVING      |     (Urgent music)   
     AMBULANCE.               |
     VIEW THRU REAR DOOR      |     (Radio communication):
     WINDOWS.                 |
                              | "WE HAVE A TEN-MINUTE ETA.  WE'RE
                              |
                              | BRINGING IN A SIX-YEAR OLD GIRL,
                              |
                              | ACCIDENT VICTIM, WITH CUTS AND ABRASIONS
                              |
                              | TO HER FOREHEAD, WHIPLASH, AND A
                              |
                              | POSSIBLE BROKEN ELBOW. ALL OTHER SIGNS
                              |
                              | ARE NORMAL
                              |
                              |
     2. AMBULANCE DOORS OPEN, | (General atmosphere & voices of EMT
     POV: Inside, "CAMERA" ON |
     STRETCHER LIFTED OUT OF  | attendants): "YOU'RE GOING TO BE O.K
     AMBULANCE, camera from   |
     child's point of view,   | SWEETHEART.  YOU'RE DOING GREAT, ETC.
                              |
                              |
     3."CAMERA" WHEELED THRU  | (urgent music & atmosphere continue)
     HALLWAYS, HUSTLE, BUSTLE |
     OF MEDICAL PERSONNEL GO  |
     BY.                      |
                              |
                              |
     4.CAMERA: CHILD'S POV IN | (Doctor, nurses voices): "START AN I.V.,
     EMERGENCY ROOM, MONITORS,|
     NURSES, DOCTOR, I.V.     | CAN YOU MOVE YOUR TOES FOR ME, THERE'S
                              |
                              | GOING TO BE A LITTLE PRICK, I THINK
                              |
                              | WE'LL NEED TO SUTURE JUST THE TOP
                              |
                              | LACERATION, THE OTHERS LOOK O.K., AND
                              |
                              | THEN WE'LL DO THE X-RAY'S, LET ME TAKE A
                              |
                              | LOOK, ETC. ETC. (fade to)
                              |
                              |
     5. CAMERA WHEELED DOWN   |     (music: gentle, hopeful feeling)
     HALLWAY ON PATIENT FLOOR.|
     TWIG VOLUNTEER VISIBLE   |
     AT FAR END.              |
                              |
                              |
                              | NARRATOR: We're you ever taken to the
                              |
                              | hospital as a child?  Did you stay
                              |
                              | overnight -- a week, a month or more?
                              |
                              |
     6. CONTINUES MOVING DOWN | For a child, a hospital stay can be
     HALL                     |
                              | pretty scary... and it can be a very
                              |
                              | lonely experience.
                              |
                              |
     7. CONTINUES DOWN HALL,  | Fortunately, there is a hospital just
     YOUNG PATIENT PEEKS OUT  |
     DOORWAY TO OBSERVE       | for children.  One where the special
                              |
                              | needs of children are understood.
                              |
                              |
     8. CAMERA REACHES TWIGS  | VOLUNTEER: "HI, I'M CATHY. WHAT'S
     VOLUNTEER AT BOOK CART.  |
     TWIGS VOLUNTEER LEANS    | YOUR NAME?" 
     FORWARD TO WELCOME, HOLD |
     HANDS OF NEW PATIENT.    |
                              |
                              |
                   --end of script excerpt--
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