Jesus is Watching

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said, "Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

The Singing Talking Bird

A man goes into a pet store looking for a bird. Looking around he noticed that all the birds were reasonably priced at just $5. each. But, way in the back he saw this little ugly bird with a sign that read $139.95. Inquisively, the guy asked the store clerk why this little ugly bird was priced so much higher than the others. The clerk stated that this was a special bird which could sing and talk. So the guy said, "Well, I believe I'll take the bird. Wrap him up and I'll be on my way."
The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "This bird you sold me didn't talk or sing." The clerk asked, "Did he peck on his little bell?" The guy looked shocked, "You didn't tell me the bird needed a little bell!" The clerk said, "You like your music. You've got a stereo system. The little bird needs his music, too, so he pecks his little bell and makes his own music." "How much are little bells?" the guy asks. "Little bells are $6." the clerk says. So the guys pulls out $6. and goes back home with the little bell for the bird.
The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "I took the little bell you sold me and attached it to the bird's cage. This morning I took the cover off his cage and he rang his little bell and then just looked at me. He still hasn't talked or sang." The clerk asked, "Did he climb up his little ladder?" The guy looked shocked again, "You didn't tell me the bird needed a little ladder!" The clerk said, "You need your exercise. The bird needs his, too, so he climbs up his little ladder for exercise." "How much are little ladders?" the guy asks. "Little ladders are $22." the clerk says. So the guys pulls out $22. and goes back home with the little ladder for the bird.
The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "I took the little ladder you sold me and attached it to the bird's cage next to the little bell. This morning I took the cover off his cage and he climbed up his little ladder, rang his little bell and then just looked at me. He still hasn't talked or sang." The clerk asked, "Did he look in his little mirror?" The guy looked shocked, "You didn't tell me the little bird needed a little mirror!" The clerk said, "You look in your mirror each morning. The bird needs to look in his little mirror each morning to make sure he is well groomed." So the guys says, "Give me a little mirror." and goes back home with the little mirror for the bird.
The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "I took the little mirror you sold me and attached it to the bird's cage beside the little ladder and little bell. This morning I took the cover off his cage and he climbed his little ladder, looked in his little mirror and rang his little bell. Then he just sat there and looked at me. He still hasn't talked or sang." The clerk asked, "Did he swing on his little swing?" Again, the guy looked shocked, "You didn't tell me the bird needed a little swing!" The clerk said, "Of course. Your bird has to have a little swing to swing on." "How much are little swings?," the guy asks. "Little swings are $29." the clerk says. So the guys pulls out $29. and goes back home with the little swing for the bird.
The next morning the guy was back at the pet store. He explained to the clerk, "The little bird you sold me died this morning." This time it was the clerk that looked shocked, "Oh, my God! What happened?" I took the little swing you sold me and attached it to the bird's cage. This morning I took the cover off his cage and he looked in his little mirror, climbed about halfway up his little ladder and rang his little bell and then climbed onto the little swing you sold me. Then all of a sudden he just keeled over and died. But, just before he died, I think I heard him ask, "Don't they sell bird seed?"