Please send feedback to redbyrd (at) mindspring (dot) com. It's incredibly motivating to know that someone is actually reading my stories :) If you'd like to be notified when new fics are posted let me know and I'll add you to my update list.
* TITLE: Absolute
* AUTHOR: Redbyrd
* EMAIL: redbyrd (at) mindspring (dot) com
* RATING: PG
* CATEGORY: episode tag
* SUMMARY: Shifu was aptly named.. his visit illuminated a lot of things Daniel had known but not understood- and shown him some sharp-edged truths he hadn't been ready to face. Now he just had to find a way to live with the self-knowledge the dream had given him.
* SPOILERS: Absolute Power
* AUTHOR'S NOTE: In Meridian, Daniel says he feels his whole life has been a failure. I've always thought that events of Absolute Power may have contributed to giving him an unfairly low opinion of his own character and exacerbated his tendency to be too hard on himself. And, yeah, I wanted to explore some obvious questions that the show didn't cover.
* WARNINGS:
* DISCLAIMER:
The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The others watched Shifu disappear into the gate. Jack watched Daniel watch Shifu. The archeologist had the crease between his eyebrows that said he was thinking hard and the carefully closed-off expression said 'keep-out' in flashing neon letters. As a kid, Jack had taken 'no trespassing' signs as a personal challenge. Good thing he was still in touch with his inner child. "So, Daniel," he said. "Want to explain what that was all about?"
'No.' was clearly what Daniel wanted to say, but Daniel glanced at Hammond. "It's kind of complicated," he said.
"Let's take this into the briefing room," Hammond said. He glanced at Aldwin, hanging back in the doorway to the control room. "You're welcome to join us, of course."
"Thank you," Aldwin said, his face still reflecting the bewilderment that had settled on it when Daniel told him they couldn't get any information from Shifu.
Jack told Walter to shut down the security alert and followed the others as they trooped into the conference room. Daniel poured himself some coffee, looking like he was on autopilot. Janet watched him with concern. "Daniel, I'm not sure you should-"
"I am," Daniel said in a cool definite tone that silenced her instantly. His expression softened slightly. "I just slept for six hours, Janet, I'm not really worried about staying awake."
Jack glanced at his watch. Past 1100 hours, but as Daniel said, he'd been asleep most of the evening. Still, Jack watched his friend closely. Daniel was a little- off. They all sat down.
"Dr. Jackson, what happened? What did the boy do to you?" Hammond asked.
"What I said," Daniel replied. "He gave me a dream. Showed me the consequences of what we were asking for."
"What consequences, Daniel?" Sam asked, leaning forward.
"Do you remember Sarita?" Daniel asked. He picked up the pen in front of him and turned it over in his hands.
"Sarita?" Sam frowned. "I don't think so."
"Wasn't that the place with the blue cows?" Jack asked.
"No," Daniel said to both of them.
"The world in the Tollans' original system," Teal'c said. "The Tollans shared advanced technology with them and they destroyed themselves."
"So he gave you a dream where we extracted the knowledge of the harcesis and we used it to destroy ourselves," Jack summarized flatly.
"Basically, yes," Daniel admitted.
"The Tok'ra have always recommended that you use caution in your pursuit of advanced technology," Aldwin said.
"Why did you offer to probe Shifu's mind, then?" Daniel's tone was mild and non-confrontational. Jack felt a little prickle go down his spine. That was the voice Daniel used in negociations to propose an irresistable deal. Or to challenge a specious conclusion just before he tore your argument to bleeding shreds.
"Releasing technology in small, controlled amounts, under the guidance of the Tok'ra-" Aldwin began, in a superior tone that made Jack want to smack him.
"That's garbage and you know it," Daniel cut him off coolly. "If the knowledge of a harcesis would be so useful, why have the Tok'ra never created one themselves?"
Aldwin gave Daniel a startled look and his tone became more cautious. "The harcesis are feared and hated. If the System Lords heard we were attempting such a thing, they would combine against us and-"
"Aldwin." Daniel interrupted. "Lying to us is not going to improve our relationship. Tell us the real reason the Tok'ra have never tried to create a harcesis." Hammond and Fraiser were startled at his bluntness, Jack noticed. Sam was paying close attention, while Teal'c watched Aldwin suspiciously.
Aldwin looked at him as if hypnotized.
"I'll even start for you," Daniel said with a trace of sarcasm. "Egeria created the Tok'ra by...?"
Aldwin's gaze fell. "She selectively edited the genetic memory she passed to her offspring, so we would be protected from the worst traits of our forebears."
Sam and Janet sat up straight and stared from Aldwin to Daniel and back. Teal'c leaned forward minutely, betraying his interest and Jack and Hammond exchanged a surprised look.
"Which is why every Goa'uld isn't a potential System Lord," Daniel said flatly. "The queens handicap most of their offspring so as to limit the number of potential rivals. Yet Goa'uld do hold some respect for their queens, so a queen's personal power can be enhanced, both by combining genetic material with another strong Goa'uld who will help protect the offspring, and by spawning strong children of her own line who will support her. Isn't that right?"
Aldwin shifted uncomfortably. "You appear to have a good understanding of Goa'uld reproductive policy, yes."
"But a harcesis bypasses the queen's choice as to how much to pass on. The harcesis possesses the complete genetic memory, all the knowledge of the Goa'uld in a human body. He could use that knowledge against the Goa'uld himself, or if taken as a host could give extraordinary power to the symbiote that possesses him. But-" Daniel waved his pen emphatically. "-that means that the bad stuff can't be controlled either. The harcesis gets all the knowledge- but also all the cruelty and lust for power." Daniel leveled a flat blue glare at the Tok'ra. "That's why the Tok'ra don't create a harcesis. You're too afraid of what he would do. And that's why they sent you to extract what useful information you could from Shifu before you killed him."
Aldwin's eyes widened and he glanced at the others in alarm. "I- that's not true!"
"Are you going to deny that you have a weapon in your pocket?" Daniel said.
Aldwin said, "I carry a weapon for self-defense, as you do yourselves." He looked at O'Neill, who was wondering how the hell Daniel had known about the weapon. He certainly hadn't spotted anything.
Daniel brushed the defensive comment aside with the hand holding the pen. "That's neither here nor there. The fact is, you never had any chance of finding out anything from Shifu. He's a non-corporeal being, pure energy in his natural state."
"I drew blood from him, Daniel," Fraiser protested. "It was perfectly normal."
"So he can either materialize a human body at will, or can make you believe you're seeing whatever he wants," Daniel shrugged. "I don't know which, and I'm not sure it matters. The fact is, they're a lot more powerful than we are."
"If we hadn't allowed him to leave-" Aldwin said.
"And how would you have suggested we stop him?" Daniel asked. "He could dematerialize whenever he wanted to. Float through solid objects. Control natural forces like wind and electricity. If we'd tried to stop him, he could have killed us with a thought." He glanced at Jack. "Tell him."
"On Kheb, we saw one of these beings fry a couple thousand of Apophis' Jaffa with lightning bolts," Jack told him. "And we think she took out the mothership, too."
Aldwin had evidently heard of the incident because he didn't question it at all. "I see." He looked at Daniel. "So why did the boy come here?"
"He wanted to learn about his mother," Daniel said softly. "He may be harcesis and incorporeal, but he's still just a boy. And he and Oma wanted us to know the dangers of trying to create another like him."
'Which the Tok'ra could have told us anyway, if they weren't secretive lying bastards, ' Jack thought. He didn't think Daniel would disagree with him at the moment.
Aldwin looked at Hammond. "Then it appears there is nothing more I can do here."
"You're free to go," Hammond said without rising. He called to one of the guard. "Sergeant? Please escort Aldwin back to the infirmary to pack his equipment." The guard followed him out. None of the others moved to bid him farewell.
"Whoa," Jack said, sitting back. "And the Tok'ra try to screw us, yet again. Color me not surprised." He looked at Daniel. "So what was the dream like?"
"A warning, like I said," Daniel avoided his gaze. "Are we through?" he asked Hammond. Jack got the nagging feeling that part of the reason Daniel had been so harsh with Aldwin to divert attention from himself. Evidently Hammond was on the same page.
"Not entirely, doctor," Hammond said. "Did Shifu tell you all that about the Tok'ra?"
Daniel blinked. "No, Selmak told me some of it, the rest I'd found out from my research. I already had all the pieces, I just hadn't really thought about the Tok'ra in the context of the harcesis until today."
"How'd you know about the weapon?" Jack asked.
"It only stood to reason," Daniel said, shrugging. Jack raised an eyebrow. Daniel hadn't known about the weapon for sure? He was getting better at bluffing- but no, Jack realized. Daniel hadn't thought he was bluffing. He'd had enough confidence in his analysis to take his conclusion as fact even without external validation. Rather like a somewhat younger Daniel assuring General West that he could decipher the stargate and bring the team back, now that he thought about it.
"So Shifu was just trying to warn us about the dangers of Goa'uld knowledge?" Sam frowned.
"No, well, yes he was, but there were other reasons," Daniel said. "He really did want to hear about Sha're. And he also wanted to talk to me. Teach me."
The crease was between his brows again and Jack knew they were getting closer to the part Daniel didn't want to discuss. "About what?" Jack sing-songed.
Daniel met his eyes and sighed, apparently capitulating. "About what I'm doing. What I've been doing. The monk on Kheb tried to tell me I was going about this all wrong."
"Going about what?" Sam asked, puzzled.
Daniel shrugged. "Life."
Jack wanted to scream and hit something. This was more meaning-of-life crap, he could feel it. So why was it always Daniel who got dumped in a heap of it and let it screw with his head? "So when you said it was time to choose a new path-?"
"I don't know, Jack," Daniel said with slightly exaggerated patience. " It was a complicated dream, and there was a lot of stuff in there that's about me personally, not the harcesis or the Goa'uld. I don't know what it all means. I need to think about it."
"So tell us the dream," Jack prompted. "Maybe we can help."
"I don't think this is extremely relevant to the briefing," Daniel appealed to Hammond.
"As you wish," Hammond said. "I would like to hear more about this dream in your report, however. Dismissed."
"Yes, sir," Daniel said, rising a half-second after Hammond.
"Daniel?" Jack said, as his CO left the room.
"Jack?" he replied in the same tone.
"Aren't you going to tell us about the dream?" Jack asked again.
Daniel closed his eyes for a moment and made one of those faces that said he was trying to figure out how to explain something difficult. "Have you ever wondered what you would do if you had absolute power and no scruples?" he asked.
"No," Jack said. "I only have petty power and few scruples."
"You might think that," Daniel muttered, then more loudly. "Let's just say I got a good look at every character flaw I have, under high-power magnification, and it wasn't very nice."
Sam was still frowning. "What happened, Daniel? In the dream, Shifu gave us the power and you couldn't stop us from misusing it?"
"Not- as such," Daniel said. "It's just- the inside of my brain is a surprisingly scary place."
Jack thought for a moment, then nodded. "I can buy that."
Daniel gave him a sharp look, like he wished Jack had said something else, then walked out. Jack glanced at his two remaining team members. "That was odd."
"DanielJackson seems most disturbed," Teal'c said.
"We should keep an eye on him," Sam said.
#
Daniel retreated to his office, wishing he hadn't said even as much as he had.
"What happened, Daniel? In the dream, Shifu gave us the power and you couldn't stop us from misusing it?"
Daniel tried to picture her face if he'd said, 'No, Sam, he gave me the power and you couldn't stop me from misusing it.' The real problem was that there were so many things wrong with that dream, he didn't know where to start. He sat down at his desk and glanced at his watch. Nearly midnight. His brain felt like it was double exposed. One half said that he hadn't been here for months, and he owned a mansion on the outskirts of town. The other half knew he'd been sitting at his desk just this morning, when they got the call from Kasuf, fifteen minutes after he'd arrived at work for the day. A half-full cup of cold coffee was sitting on the desk. Daniel got up to empty it into the sink and refilled the pot.
"I'm sorry what were you saying?" Daniel asked.
Sam was staring at the scrawled diagrams on his chalkboard. "Just that this is unbelievable."
"I know."
Flash forward. "What about the boy?" Hammond asked.
Daniel replied, "Well, he doesn't have to remember anything now, he's given me all the knowledge we need.
"How he did that is what concerns me," the general replied.
"He's no danger, sir," Daniel assured him.
"Still, as long as he's here, he should be kept under close guard. " Dismissing Daniel's opinions, he turned to Sam. "I'll talk to the Pentagon about bringing in some more personnel to help you out."
Daniel swallowe d the surge of resentment at the slight. He was the one with the knowledge. Sam wasn't even confident enough to present the idea without saying , 'according to Daniel' in case it turned out to be something that might make her look foolish.
If you'd asked him yesterday- or was that a year ago?- how he felt about Sam, he'd have said without hesitation that he loved her. He enjoyed working with her, admired her intelligence, was proud to call her his friend. His teammates might try to tell him that it was Shifu's fault, that it wasn't real, but Daniel knew better. The flash of anger and resentment didn't feel alien. It was a real feeling, one he had refused to acknowledge. Daniel drank his coffee.
And what about Teal'c? In the dream, he'd ordered Teal'c around like a flunky, and enjoyed it. And when Teal'c began to regard him with suspicion, he'd set him up to be killed. He thought he'd forgiven Teal'c for his part in tearing apart Daniel's comfortable home on Abydos, Sha're's death, the suffering Skaara had been through. But there were still negative emotions there.
And Jack, Hammond, Vidrine. The entire military- how much resentment had he bottled up against them, their shortsightedness and narrow focus on weapons? Somewhere in there was an underlying sense of superiority, and a lot of anger at having to take orders from people he believed weren't as bright as he was. In his head, Daniel knew that he had his own strengths and weaknesses, as did everyone else. He believed that the sum of the parts was stronger than the whole. But there was a selfish, egotistical part of his psyche that stubbornly held onto the idea that if he were in charge, things would be different.
Daniel finished the coffee, debated a second cup, then dumped his glasses on the desk and turned out the light, crossing the room in the dark to slump on the couch in the corner. He took off his shoes to sit cross-legged, and let out a deep breath. Teal'c would be kel'no'reeming in his quarters, but Daniel didn't think he could look at him right now. Besides, his mind was churning too much to meditate, anyway.
Daniel remembered the scene right here in his office.
"You're under a lot of pressure." Jack said. "I understand." ...
"Why aren't you behind me on all this?" he asked. "I mean I'm finally taking your position. Let's build weapons, lets kick some Goa'uld ass. Because it's me saying it I'm suddenly the bad guy?"
This was making his head ache. What other slimy little thoughts did he have crushed in the back of his brain? He knew very well that Jack didn't subscribe to the weapons-at-any-cost party. And how could he be angry at Jack for all the times Jack had argued for a military approach, when part of him agreed? Daniel snorted softly. 'Oma, them Goa'uld needed killin'.' Yeah, that would go down well.
And what was with that house? Daniel couldn't help but regard the apartment he had now as palatial. If anything he felt guilty for occupying that much space alone. Most of his life he'd been lucky to have a small room to himself. His college and post-college years had been a scrambling mixture of shared apartments, tiny studios, and tents on digs. Daniel had never seriously even considered owning property and yet in a dream where he could have anything he wanted, he'd chosen an enormous mansion. It was as if every desire he'd ever suppressed was indulged to the absolute extreme.
He took several more deep, calming breaths. There had been some positive things in the dream. Jack had watched him blow up Moscow, tried to shoot him, and still been thinking of reasons that it wasn't really Daniel doing those horrible things. Jack might not believe him, listen to him, or, often, respect him, but he still had faith in Daniel's basic goodness. So had Sam.. she'd thought Jack could talk him out of what he had planned, even after he'd had her locked up. Even Teal'c- the real reason the Jaffa had had to go was that he would never have believed the things Daniel was doing were of his own free will. Daniel felt a prickle of tears in his eyes, and felt both sad and comforted. As Jack had once said, they might not believe him, but they believed in him.
Tired of unanswerable questions, he stood and went to the door, without turning on a light. Perhaps he would join Teal'c after all. Try to calm his mind.
He walked through the silent halls to Teal'c's quarters and tapped lightly. Receiving no answer, he opened the door and went in, finding Teal'c as he expected, deep in meditative trance. He had an open invitation to join him, so he simply sank easily onto the floor, sitting opposite his friend so he could use the same candle as a focus point.
Teal'c. Sha're. Skaara. Forgiveness. Those were the things he chose to meditate on. Surprisingly, he quickly lost himself in the exercise, going beyond the turmoil in his mind and finding a fragile peace.
When he came back to himself, Teal'c was sitting in a chair reading. He looked around as Daniel licked his fingers and pinched out the candle in front of him. "Hi," Daniel said a little sheepishly. "I decided to join you. I hope you don't mind."
"You are always welcome, DanielJackson," Teal'c said. "Do you find the answers you seek?"
"Actually, what I mostly find are more questions," Daniel said wryly. "But what else is new?"
Teal'c ignored the rhetorical question. "O'Neill is concerned that in speaking of choosing another path, you may intend to leave the SGC."
Daniel half-smiled, remembering Jack trying to talk him out of leaving the last time... except that Jack hadn't tried to talk him out of leaving. Daniel had never left. That was another dream. Daniel blinked, eyes feeling suddenly gritty and tired. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Teal'c," he said. "But I'm not planning on leaving the SGC anytime soon." He was sure of at least that much. He'd considered leaving after he'd found Shifu the first time, but could think of nowhere else that attracted him in the slightest. That hadn't changed.
Daniel took a shower and then went to breakfast with his team, trying to act normal. He felt a little self conscious, but after the first few minutes, his friends stopped giving him sidelong glances and relaxed. It felt somehow familiar. He flashed on another image from the dream. "Jack, I've got a lot of work to do, and so do you. So please, help me or leave." He gave Jack a pleading look, the innocent ,open one that he knew pushed all the colonel's buttons. 'Friend asking for help here.' Daniel swallowed the mouthful of bagel with difficulty and set the rest of it back down in favor of more coffee. Was he really that manipulative?
"Are you okay, Daniel?" Sam asked.
He looked at her over the cup. Normal look, slightly puzzled. "Fine, Sam," he said. She smiled back, relieved, and Daniel felt a little more tense. He didn't want his friends to worry about him, but he'd never been so conscious of how much he kept hidden from them.
#
Jack ate his cereal, thinking Daniel was acting normal enough, but there was a certain underlying tension that worried him. At least there wasn't a mission scheduled until the end of the week.
"Dr. Jackson!" The four of them turned to see a young lieutenant making a beeline for them.
"Hi, Jim, what's going on?" Daniel asked easily, his eyes already going to the sheaf of photographs in the kid's hand. Barber, that was his name.
"You're not going to believe this. We could see it was some kind of structure from the MALP footage, but it's absolutely amazing. Look." He held out the photos and Daniel was immediately enthralled. Jack watched with some amusement as whatever was bugging his friend was immediately pushed aside in favor of marvelling at the photographs.
Daniel passed the first one on to Teal'c, perusing the second photo carefully. "I have to see this," he said absently, as if to himself. Then he looked at Jack, "I have to go see this, Jack. It's Goa'uld, and it's simply covered in writing." He showed Jack the photo of a column that was covered with squiggles. It didn't look like Goa'uld-type squiggles to Jack and he almost asked why before his sense of self-preservation kicked in and he shut his mouth. Daniel jumped to his feet, breakfast forgotten. "I have to see the general."
"I still need your report on yesterday, Daniel," Jack called after him.
"Yeah, sure, later.." Daniel said.
As he and Barber disappeared through the door, they could hear the lieutenant telling Daniel, ".. got a gorgeous beach.. I think the gravity's a bit light because you just feel great.."
Jack exchanged an amused look with Carter and Teal'c. "I guess I'm going to have to sign off on this one. There'll be a lot of pouting if I don't."
Neither of his teammates looked like they believed that for a minute. If an archeological expedition to a Goa'uld beach resort was going to cheer Daniel up, none of him were going to begrudge him the time away. Not to mention he could use a reminder of the things he loved about his job, when it wasn't ripping his heart out.
"Indeed," Teal'c said gravely.
"He could use the distraction," Sam said.
Jack pushed his chair back. "Hopefully he'll find something incomprehensible but deeply meaningful that'll put the whole last couple of days out of his mind." A small nagging voice in the back of his head reminded him it was only two months ago he'd sworn he was never, ever again, under any circumstances, going to loan Daniel out to another team. He pushed the thought away. This wasn't a primitive planet full of Unas and primordial Goa'uld. All the same, he'd make sure Major Whitaker checked the water before letting Daniel anywhere near it.
He didn't think anything stupid like, 'what could possibly go wrong' that might have set off his internal radar. He'd be kicking himself for that later. At the time, he just reminded himself to have a chat with Whitaker before they left and felt a warm fuzzy optimism that a few weeks with some choice ruins would be just the thing to chase away Daniel's demons.
*end