You see, Timmy is a spider. A little one. His last home was next to the kite that hangs above the arch in the living room. Timmy also lived in the bedroom and bathroom.
Timmy built kind of pathetic little webs, lots of them: On the globe bulbs above the mirror in the bathroom; In the lamps in the bedroom; In every corner of the living room. It got kind of annoying, but I never saw Timmy, just his end product. So we wound up with cobwebs all over the house. They cut down on the fruit flies that come out of the drain in the kitchen though (That’s another story. Ask me sometime how bad my apartment complex sucks).
Then I finally met Timmy. He had passed away in the midst of constructing a web. He’s literally hanging by a thread. He dangles there, swaying gently in the breeze generated by the turbine-powered air conditioner we have. His eight little legs all curled up underneath him. He was bugging me.
So, I went to try to get him down, along with all his past abodes. Then I remembered we have no broom. I can’t reach him without a broom. I’m screwed. Only the giant turtle Gamera can save me now.
In light of all of this, I have decided to incorporate the cobwebs into our decor. They add a certain medieval flair to an otherwise drab interior. They go well with our circa 1978 orange recliner, and genuine imitation walnut octagon end-table. They also match our plastic patio furniture dinette suite (Informal Poll: Do you pronounce that like "suit" or "sue-eat"?). I highly recommend adding cobwebs to any room.
Why? Why Not? Because you never tell us a damn thing about yourselves, you stupid assholes.
What is the story with this Media 1 thing? Do they really expect me to be excited about something that vaguely resembles a television that only gets Channel 5? I don’t ask myself, "Why?" or, "Why Not?" I ask myself, "So, now that you are foisting this piece of crap interactive TV thingy on my, how much more am I going to have to pay for cable and still not get the Sci-Fi channel or The Cartoon Network?" However, rumor has it that the deal will include cable modems. I guess I’ll have to reserve judgment until these assholes decide to actually put some information in their commercials.
Did you ever notice how these little rantings sound like a cut-rate Gilbert Godfried or Andy Rooney that works dirty? Why is that?