Substitutes Serve as Professional Babysitters

Anne Tillman

Staff Columnist


December is the season of Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, and substitute teachers. As the holidays roll in many teachers decide to roll out and often a bit too early, leaving their unruly students in the hands of poor defenseless substitutes. What could be a better present than spending a day, or even a week, caring for hyperactive, insensitive, hormone-driven teenagers?

For years students have been making it a hobby to ruin the fives of substitute teachers. The fun begins when an unfamiliar face walks into the room and writes out their name on the blackboard. Students immediately envision a full hour of sleep, spit-balls, and rude comments. The art of driving substitutes insane was taught at an early age. By second grade most students can ingeniously work as a team to make a sub cry.

One of the great talents of students is word play. We can take any sort of common name and turn it into something quite naughty, yet comical. One good example is a substitute we had named Mr. Whit, it is pretty obvious what changes we made. We are also the masters of insults.

We attack personality physical characteristics, clothing, accents, and speech impediments. (I had one teacher in fifth grade who I will never forget. She was an evil, decrepit woman who ran the classroom in a dictator like fashion spreading terror throughout the school. Her physical appearance only enhanced her hideous state, not to mention her repulsive habit of literally spitting out her words.) Regular teachers are susceptible to the mockery as well, but the fun of teasing them wears off around mid-semester. Substitutes, on the other hand, are fresh game.

A class of teenagers feeds off one another's obnoxiousness, with each individual attempting to outdo his peers. There is usually a ring leader who initiates the rebellion and inevitably closes with a shocking insult. Sometimes the leader is put out of the class before he can fully complete his role, but being sent out of class merits a rebellion medal itself. With peer support, teens will commit acts not thought possible on an individual basis.



Although substitutes should not have to tolerate the bashing they receive, you must admit that they do have certain idiosyncrasies which invite some witticism. It is very irritating when substitutes play teacher, thinking they can make life changing influences in the two hours they spend with a class. Substitutes that preach their life story, including every hardship they have ever encountered, are extremely aggravating. Why can't they realize that we just don't care? They have a dogmatic approach to teaching which only induces rebellion.

Almost worse than substitutes who try to be your hero are the subs who want to be your friend. These are the type that lounge around with their feet on the desk poorly attempting to use teenage slang They are the type that insist you call them by thew first name or some crazy nickname. They are the type that think they're but in reality the class is laughing at them. Even worse are the sleazy substitutes that tell jokes with the boys, and flirt with the girls.

It seems that substitute teachers can't win. They look silly attempting to actually teach, even sillier trying to bond, and no matter what tactic they choose they will be bombarded with insults and acts of disrespect. This is the career choice for brave souls. Teenagers are very difficult to deal with, especially on a temporary basis. The people that can mold us into responsible adults are our permanent, dedicated teachers, not some stranger who pops in for one period. So substitutes are, and always will be professional baby-sitters, meant to administer the busy work and endure the torture.