My first time.
My first time was with Stephen Malkmus of Pavement. And as a result of my
experience, I have to say that exposing oneself on a personal level to the famous
(or even the semi-famous) can be a dangerous thing. No, I'm not talking
about sex; I'm referring to another emotionally risky activity: online communication.
What happened was, I found Pavement's real-time chat line the morning after
the first of their two recent shows in Atlanta. S.M. And other band members
were answering insipid questions like, "Where are you all from?" and "What is
Stockton like?" (Plus, by the way, he was expounding once again, like in every
interview I've ever read, about that line in "Range Life" where he makes fun of
the Smashing Pumpkins. Steve, get over it.) Anyway, bottom line, not
exactly a high-level conversation (though he did give a pretty funny description
of Stockton). So here I am, trying to decide whether to make an effort to
get into that night's sold-out show, when I was suddenly overcome with the urge
to COMMUNICATE with one of my absolute favorite guys in one of my absolute favorite
bands. So I made up a name for myself (cleverly based on a Pavement lyric
in which my real name is mentioned) and innocently inquired about the previous
night's show. WELL. My very first online posting and I found myself
the hapless victim of a VICIOUS flame at the hands of none other than S.M. Himself
All caps and everything, he gives me the old, "DOES NOT COMPUTE. DOES NOT COMPUTE."
Then another guy chimes in -- I pray it wasn't the really cute guitarist
with the blue eyes -- and asks, "When was the last time you reached out and touched
someone?" Words cannot describe the irrational degree of humiliation I felt.
And the worst part is, I don't know if I even like Pavement anymore. I
mean, I kind of knew Stephen Malkmus was a pretentious asshole -- in fact, I don't
think Pavement would be Pavement if he wasn't -- but I was unprepared for the
impact of this insult on my previously enthusiastic fandom. And what I REALLY
want to know is, how could they tell I was an online virgin? (I hesitate to use
the term "newbie" since I already used "flame.") Was my question out of
context? Poorly worded? Just plain inappropriate in some way? It
certainly wasn't any less lame than any of the other ones. All I could figure
was that they were discussing the very same topic ten minutes before I logged
on and I missed it. So here's a warning to everyone who's a fan of anyone:
exercise caution in establishing personal contact with these people! Stick
to whatever it is they produce for public consumption, and they'll always be godlike.
Until they produce something that sucks, like the new Pavement album. But
that's another rant altogether.
Barbara Wiehler
Please send Barbara some words of comfort. Or at least submit your own brush with fame horror story so she doesn't feel like such a fool.
Click here if you want to read what Elaine Siggins has to say about Barbara's sad tale.
