copyright 2000 by Andrew Schub -- Registered with the Writer's Guild of America
Miss Universe INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT An OLD COUPLE is sitting on an old couch in an old living room in an old house, watching an old television. TV ANNOUNCER #1 The Mondays in May Matlock Murder Mystery Movie Marathon will be back after these messages. The old man takes a moment to process this information, then begins to channel surf. [BLAST OF STATIC.] TV ANNOUNCER #2 Fights split ends! [BLAST OF STATIC.] TV ANNOUNCER #3 Clumps when wet for easy clean up! [BLAST OF STATIC.]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. TV ANNOUNCER #4 Just add water, makes its own sauce! [BLAST OF STATIC.] The TV finally settles on a beauty pageant. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT, the emcee, is finishing up the introductions of the ladies. Link is all big wavy hair and big white teeth, and a nice tan. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT And Ms. Zimbabwe! INT. PAGEANT HALL -- NIGHT On stage, all the pageant contestants are in place. Link stands to one side, mic in hand. A PANEL OF PLASTIC "CELEBRITY" JUDGES sits in front of the stage. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT Ladies and gentlemen, these are our contestants for this year's Ms. Universe pageant! So join me and our panel of celebrity judges in giving a big round of applause for-- Link is interrupted by a commotion near center stage -- RAXIP, a somewhat vaguely female-looking alien, appears. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) What the--!? The alien woman looks around, a little disoriented. INT. LIVING ROOM The old couple's eyes go wide. INT. PAGEANT HALL Everyone looks nervous until the alien woman smiles. RAXIP Greetings people of Earth! My name is Raxip-Nelly-Fneebort-Mic-Uk-Uk, and I have traveled more than 90 million light years from the galaxy of Alpha-Centauri to represent my people in your Ms. Universe contest! The audience looks around, confused. Link's smile looks strained as small beads of sweat appear on his brow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT Uh. Judges!? Now the judges' smiles look strained. The judges frantically flip through a large book labeled "Miss Universe pageant rules". LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Judges? I think our visitor is waiting for an answer. The judges look at each other, look up at Link, and shrug. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Well okay then! Ms. Raxip, uh, Nelly, uh-- Ms. Alpha- Centauri! Welcome to Earth, and welcome to the Ms. Universe pageant! Are you familiar with the rules? RAXIP Yes sir! I've studied transmissions of old pageants on the trip here. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT Okay then! You can line up right next to Ms. Zimbabwe, and we'll get on with the show! Raxip hurries over to her place in line. The women begin to file out. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) And we'll be back with the first portion of our competition right after this! INT. LIVING ROOM The old woman pets her old cat as the show continues. A title appears on the TV screen: "THE EVENING GOWN COMPETITION" INT. PAGEANT HALL All of the women are wearing traditional evening gowns, except for Raxip, of course. Her dress is made of exotic, very alien-looking flowers. Link reads from his note cards.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT And it says here that Ms. Alpha-Centauri wants it known that no animals were harmed in the making of her evening gown! A politically correct round of applause comes from the audience. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) It is in fact made from a sentient race of plant life that has been-- enslaved by her race for the past three millennia!? A smattering of confused applause starts, and dies out almost immediately. One of the larger flowers notices Ms. Pago-Pago, the contestant behind Raxip, and begins to drool. The flower rears up, but Raxip grabs it just before it can strike. Without breaking stride, Raxip admonishes the flower with a wag of her finger (tentacle, etc.), and sullen, the flower moves back into place. From here on out, we'll just be cutting to shots of the old couple when we need to time jump, 'kay? The old couple watch, enraptured. A title appears on the TV screen: "THE BATHING SUIT COMPETITION." The other women are in place onstage, wearing their bathing suits. Raxip is standing in the wings, looking anxious. The judges confer a moment, come to a decision, and nod to link. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Okay ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Alpha-Centauri assures us that her bathing suit covers everything it's supposed to, and the judges believe she's telling the truth, so Ms. Alpha-Centauri, please, come on out! RAXIP composes herself and walks onstage. It is indeed difficult to tell if her suit covers all that it should. The old woman sips her tea, the old man his coffee. A title appears on the TV screen: "THE TALENT COMPETITION"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. A montage of performances follows: 1) Ms. Japan plays the cello. 2) Ms. Germany stands in front of the mic with a ventriloquist's dummy on her hand. DUMMY I haven't been this uncomfortable since my last trip to the proctologist! 3) Ms. Canada stands behind a lone mic. MS. CANADA Making it all the way to the Ms. Universe pageant certainly wasn't easy. And at those times when things looked bleakest and I thought I couldn't go on, I would read my favorite poem, and be inspired to carry on. I'd like to recite that poem for you all now. (with all the skill and emotion of William Shatner at his hammiest) The... itsy bitsy SPIDER... went UP... the waterspout... DOWN came... the rain and... washed that spider... OUT... UP... came the sun and... DRIED up ALL the RAIN... And the... ITSY BITSY spider... went up the spout AGAIN. 4) Ms. Congo-Region does an extremely poor interpretive dance of the history of the domestication of dogs. She leaps around the stage, explodes into a blur of movement, drops on all fours, and finally ends, limp, arms and legs akimbo. 5) Raxip stands at the lower stage-left-hand corner of a blackboard the size of an IMAX screen. The entire board is covered with an extremely complex mathematical equation. As she completes the equation: RAXIP Carry the two, and that's how you can convert common tap water into an endless source of fuel that not only helps to clean the environment, but it also--
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. RAXIP (MORE) (she pulls out a beaker of clear liquid and inhales deeply) Ahhhh... has the subtle yet delightful scent of pine! There is much applause. 6) Ms. USA tap-dances while singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" and twirling two flaming batons! The old couple are amazed. A title appears on the TV screen: "THE QUESTION-AND-ANSWER PORTION OF THE EVENING." Ms. Japan, Ms. Germany, Ms. Canada, Raxip and Ms. USA Are standing in a line. Link is standing next to Ms. Japan. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT Ladies and gentlemen, we are now down to our five finalists. And what a contest it's been so far, eh!? Let's have another hand for our troupers here. [Applause from the audience] LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Right. Now, what say we meet these ladies, and get to know them a little better, eh!? And ladies, I want you to relax and be yourselves, but remember, you are being judged on your answers! Link turns to Ms. Japan. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Hello there, Ms. Japan. Are you excited to have made it this far? MS. JAPAN Oh yes! LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT Good, good. And how long have you played the clarinet? MS. JAPAN Er, I play the cello.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT Whatever. Now, can you tell me, what would winning the Ms. Universe competition mean to you? The old man is asleep. The old woman is nodding off until the cat on her lap wakes up, stretches, digs her claws into the old woman's lap, and curls up to go back to sleep. Now awake, the old woman gently elbows her husband awake, too. Link has made his way to Raxip. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Now, Ms. Alpha-Centauri, if you are today's winner, how would you use your Ms. Universe title to better society? RAXIP Well, Link, if I were lucky enough to be crowned Ms. Universe tonight, I would use my home planet's advanced technology to usher in a new era of peace and prosperity here on Earth, turning your planet into a veritable Utopia. Also, I would use my otherworldly connections to introduce Earth into the Brotherhood of Planets, where you and your people would be welcomed as honored guests and beloved equals. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT Oh, that's sounds lovely, doesn't it, folks? [Applause from the audience.] LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) And what would you do if you don't win? RAXIP Well, Link, I would completely annihilate your world, leaving nothing but a small, smoldering cinder floating in space as the only evidence that the Earth ever existed at all.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (completely failing to understand the threat) A cinder? Say, that's great! Let's move on, shall we? The old man stands in front of a window in the living room, looking up at the sky. EXT. OLD HOUSE -- NIGHT In the sky above the old couple's house, huge flying saucers are hovering menacingly, angled toward the Earth. INT. LIVING ROOM The old man looks back at the TV, alarmed. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT So, Ms. U.S. of A., tell me, what will you do if you aren't chosen to be Ms. Universe this year? MS. USA Well, I'm afraid I'm a bit of a bad sport, just like Ms. Alpha-Century-- RAPIX Centauri. LINK AND MS. USA Whatever. MS. USA If I were to lose, I think I'd probably lock myself in my dressing room backstage after the show and cry until my eyes got all puffy and icky! LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT Awwwwww... Ladies and gentlemen? The audience "awwwwww"s. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) And what will you do if you are crowned Ms. Universe? MS. USA Well, I've been giving this a lot of thought, and I've decided that I would use all the power and influence that comes with the crown of Ms. Universe to buy everyone in the world a puppy, because puppies are so cute and sweet, and no one can be unhappy when they are holding a puppy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT Aw... Isn't that sweet, ladies and gentlemen? The audience applauds loudly. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Well, that brings us to the end of this evening's competition. The girls have all worked very hard tonight, and it's all up to the judges now. And believe me folks, I wouldn't want to be changing places with them! So be sure to stay tuned to see who we'll crown as Ms. Universe right after these commercial messages! The audience applauds. The old folks look at each other nervously. In the pageant hall, the judges are in serious conference. A close look at one of the scoring sheets reveals, in part: "Enslaving a race of sentient plants: 0 pts. Playing
clarinetcello: 5 pts. Ventriloquist act: 15 pts. Poetry: 17.5 pts. Solving Earth's energy crisis and cleaning up the environment: 35 pts. Singing/tap dancing/flaming batons: 50 pts. Making Earth a Utopia: 35 pts. Threatening to destroy Earth: -5 pts. Puppies: 75 pts." The old couple turn to the TV as:---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. The judges have conferred, the points have been tallied, and it's all over but the laughter and the tears -- and my copyrighted song, of course! So, without further ado, the third runner up for Ms. Universe is-- Pregnant pause LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Ms. Canada! There is hugging and kissing and general congratulations and sorry you lost stuff between the five finalists. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Okay, okay. Settle down everyone. Here we go. The second runner up, and the one who will take over for Ms. Universe if she becomes unable to fulfill her duties as Ms. Universe in the coming year is-- Longer pregnant pause LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Oh my goodness, it's Ms. Alpha-Centauri! Well done! Raxip is obviously stunned that she has not come in first, and stands in mute shock as the others carefully hug her. The old couple's eyes go wide in horror. Raxip is still in shock. Her eyes are wide and her breathing is heavy. She is obviously trying to hold back her anger. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) And this year's Ms. Universe is -- oh this is wonderful -- Ms. USA! Congratulations, dear! All the women except Raxip hug Ms. USA as she begins to cry. Someone brings out flowers, a sash and a crown, and puts them on Ms. USA. Before Ms. USA can take a step down the runway, however, Raxip's body mutates with rage, swelling large enough to swallow Ms. USA in one angry gulp -- which is exactly what Raxip does, sending the crown crashing to the floor! It rolls to a stop on the runway.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. There is a moment of stunned silence, and then all the women on stage scream and scatter in fear. Raxip looks around and advances slowly on Link. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Uh. Judges? The judges confer again, furiously. Link begins to back away from Raxip. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Judges!? They look to Link and shrug. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (CONT'D) Well, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like our winner is unable to fulfill her duties as Ms. Universe, so that honor now falls to Ms. Alpha-Centauri! Congratulations! Raxip looks around, confused, until someone nervously puts the crown on her oversized head. Raxip smiles as her body reverts to its normal size, and she starts to walk down the runway. A smattering of relieved applause starts. RAXIP Thank you. Thank you! Thank you all! The applause builds and builds. LINK WHATCHAMACALLIT (singing) It's her. See her there. That killer body, and the beautiful hair. You want to kiss her, but you don't dare. It's Ms. Universe. Yes, Ms. Universe. That's Ms. Universe. Ms. Universe! EXT. OLD HOUSE The flying saucers begin to slowly back off and fly away. Raxip begins to cry as she continues down the runway to cheers from the crowd. Her tears burn small holes in the floor. The old couple watch for a few moments more, and then turn off the television.
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