Anyway, 3 years ago last week, I was hit by a Mazda pickup truck, Fractured my skull all the way from my right eye around the back side to my left ear. I was unconcious for about 4 days and lost all of my memory. 6 months after this, I was pretty much adjusted to my new life when I was involved in a bicycle/oldsmobile accident. Unfortunatly I was the bicycle. I went through the Closed driver side window, head first, and then opened the (locked) passenger side door with the back of my head. This time, I not only fractured my skull all the way around but the previous injuries combined led to severe Head Trauma, along with several lacerations and a broken rib or two. This time I was in a coma for about a week or so.
Okay, now the NDE. Like I said, I lost my memory at the first accident, and this is pretty much my earliest memory, I think it was the second one, but couldn't swear to it, the hospital records show I flatlined several times each accident. Anyway, it went like this. I was surrounded by this water, just floating on my back in the water minding my own business. There was nothing but water as far as I could see but then it stared to funnel and eventually was swirlling around me so quickly that it pulled me up on to my feet and then dissapered in a vapour. when the water was totally gone, there was nothing left but pure white. Pure whiteness everywhere, it had no variations as in light, or shadows, or depth or anything, it was all exactly the same to my eyes. Only I knew it had depth, and it felt very normal, I had NO urge to question the contradiction between what my eyes saw and what my head interprited. Also, my there was no temperature, it was exactly the same as my body so I could not feel any air, any cold, any hot, just pure comfort. In fact, I felt right about everything, I can not explain it exactly because I've never felt it while concious, but it was just like everything about me, about my location, about everything, was just plain perfect. There was no pain, no confusion, no angst, no discomfort of any kind. And it all made perfect sense. It was just, righ, and it was the b feeling I have ever had in my entire existence. (as far as I remember, emotions are easier to recognize than memories)
So I'm standing there, feeling awesome, with no urges to look around, I just felt safe, familiar, and I hear a voice. Not with my ears, but in my head, I couldn't see a source, but I knew exactly what point space the voice was coming from and I knew, it was directed at m in fact that point in space was watching me closely. I couldn't see it with my eyes, or hear it with my ears, I just knew. And it all made perfect sense. This voice then invited me to walk forward, it said that if I took on step forward I would be able to feel thd way indefinatly. It seemed like the right thing to do, I didn't even think about it, I just lifted my foot and started to step. Then the source of the voice looked away from me, at a dark haired female I had not seen her before, I don't even remeber if I saw her with my eyes or only in my mind, All I really remeber is that the voice was now looking at her and she had very dark hair. The voice then instructed her to go back, that she wasn't ready yet, and I stopped.
I told the voice that I wanted to go back with the female, and to help her. That I wanted to feel pain again, that I wanted to feel alive, and to laugh, and to cry, and to hurt if I had to. Right at that moment, the I/C. guy used those shocker things on my chest and got my heart beating which in turn got my brain to function, and I was ripped back into my body. Literally ripped, in a fraction of a millisecond all of the pain of the broken bones, the head injuries, the cuts and brusies all over my body, and all of the pain of seventeen forgotten years hit me all at once. I wanted to scream, to kick, to grab my head, I tried, I could not. I could not move, I could not scream, my body was useless to me, And it was the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. Not the accident itself, but that fleeting second of conciousness between flatlines.
Oh yeah, a little story I was told by a Trauma unit doctor, one time, between flat lines, I was awake enough to speak, I have absolutly no memory of the conversation, but my body was talking to the doctor for about 30 seconds, and I said that I was in middle, getting closer to the end, and I had to find out what was there. But that is as lost to my mind as the first 17 years of my life.
Well, sorry this was so long, I would have wanted to include more details hopefully I didn't bore you too much.
--
"And the verse falls |
to the soul like dew |
to the pasture." | dwd@netcom.com
-Pablo Neruda |