My first wife (I've been married 5 times, my 2nd wife hanged herself, my 5th wife got shot by the cops, the other 3 were divorces, I've got very poor judgement about women) was threatening to leave me for another man. I told her that I would hang myself if she did. She said, "It's your neck, if you want to break it, that's your business". Very cold. After she left, I tried to hang myself 3 times. The first time, I got an old rope in the garage, tied a noose in it, and tried to hang myself in the garage, but the rope broke. Then I went to the hardware store to get some good high-quality hemp rope. The hardware store salesman looked at me strangely, and told me that he wouldn't sell it to me, that I didn't look right, that I looked like I was going to hang myself. At the next hardware store, the guy looked at me kind of funny, and said, "I don't have any rope, not a drop". I could see the coils of rope behind the counter, he was lying to me. I yelled at him, "What makes you think I'm going to hang myself?"
The third hardware store had a young guy at the counter, and he sold me the rope without question. I went home, and tried to hang myself again. This time I had tied the rope too long, and my feet went all the way down to the floor. I had failed again. The third attempt, I tied the rope to a tree in the back yard. I kicked the stool out from under me, and I felt myself drop, and then I heard this loud "Ghaack!" and everything went black. I could feel myself swinging. I could hear this high-pitched laughter, but I couldn't tell where it was coming from. Then I could sense that the demons of Hell were standing around me, laughing and enjoying it. They thought it was funny. They were saying stuff like, "All right! We got him! Yeah! Ha! Ha! Way to go!" I was scared shitless. I knew I was about to die and go to Hell.
I felt myself drop again, I hit heavily on the ground on my side, and then all the light came swimming back in. My next door neighbor was standing over me with a machete. He had cut the rope. He yelled at me, "Of all the damn fool things I have ever seen, this takes that cake! You stupid idiot! You could have died!" I was angry at him, and I wanted to kick his ass. But he saved my life that day. I wrenched my neck pretty badly, it took several weeks for the burn marks to go away.
Offing yourself: It's not worth it.
ObT: I shitted and pissed myself while I was hanging there.