Gay and Lesbian Ethics and Morality in Community

Page 1 Topics
Introduction
Dating Game Legal Issues Religion Growing Old Holy Union Family Matters
Page 2 Topics
Respect for Individuals Children Politics Respect for Relationships Responsibilities Young and Gay
Page 3 Topics
Loyalty Age Differences Gay Abled Straight Friends The Result of Fear
AIDS
Return to Home Page
Page 4 Topics
If everybody were gay Loss of a Love Hate Destroys Murder

Introduction

A page devoted to the lesbian and gay community is the least that I can do to try and help our causes and give something back. I am writing this as a labor of love. These pages are devoted to the most common dilemmas that a gay person finds in their lives and how these dilemmas might be faced.

We might have a great deal of reason to be angry about our circumstances but we can rise above them and live our lives with devotion to our God and integrity in our lives.

The pages that have been written are just one way that a poor soul has sought to bring meaning into an otherwise very difficult and despairing life.

Well meaning souls who feel that this poor soul is lost would be very much surprised to find that this soul is quite right with God and does not seek "cleansing or healing". However, this soul may indeed offer reassurance to them some day especially when one of their grand children or great grand children are found to be gay. God loves us all. Go love your babies, every one, as he has loved you.

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Dating Game

 

And so we finally realize that we are gay and we will never be anything else but gay so we begin to look for that person with whom we can share our lives. Ah, as if that would be so simple. Nothing in life is simple. When you are straight, you can consider every single person of the opposite sex an option as a mate. Not so for a person who is gay. It is just not that simple. If the statistics are true, then 10-20% of the population is gay. That means that 10-20% of the single same sex population is a possible option. Did you ever try to figure out who was gay and who was straight in a large group. Not easy was it.

So why do most gay people go to bars? Duhhh. Maybe we want to find some one. Maybe we are tired of being alone. So we go. And we meet someone and someone else and someone else. Now we were all raised with a set of ethics that had to do with dating. The RIGHT way. We know what is right and we know what is wrong. Please be aware that gays come from ALL parts of society .We are all colors, all cultures and all religions. We also live all levels of ethical and moral behavior. Just like straight people. So finding the person who matches OUR concept of morality and ethical behavior becomes even more difficult, no matter what you are looking for.

Oh, it is easy to find someone to have sex with. SEX SEX SEX You can have sex with anyone if you both choose. But to find your soul mate. Ah, there is the rub. So for those of you who are hoping to really settle down, this is your page.

It is unwise to lie to or deceive potential dates. They will never trust you later if they turn out to be THE ONE.

It is unwise to push a relationship for sex too early. There are times when some want sex and only sex(not wise today). For the most part, remember that your partner will think of you as a "piece of meat" if you treat him or her that way. Rarely do relationships based upon that alone last. In the straight world, where there are children, many couples who made the same choices stay together "for the children" , but not forever. You will probably not be creating anything like that together.

So, the behaviors that you exhibit in the beginning will usually set the tone for the relationship.

Do not just "settle" for someone because there is no one else. You will both end up unhappy.

You will be most happy with someone who shares your values, hopes and dreams and wants to pursue them WITH you.

So, go find that fun person who really understands, accepts and loves you.

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I created these rules while I was in a relationship. Interestingly, after my partner died I found that I broke half of them. Go figure.   So now, I have added in red what I currently think. LOL

1) As much as possible try to choose persons who have something in common with you besides being gay.

2) Insist that most of the time you share dinner and entertainment expenses.  If you do not, then one of you will be taking advantage of the other.
But then, most of the persons that I was interested in made far less than I, and being a generous person, I insisted on paying especially when I took my date to a very fine restaurant. This was not a case of someone taking advantage of me. It was a case of wanting to have the finer experiences without placing the other person at disadvantage.

3) Take note that a relationship that does not develop sparks between the two of you inside 3 months will probably not ever develop that way. A genuine discussion of desires for the relationship should take place at that time to assess whether it merits being continued. We all have friends.  When we are dating we are looking for a lover and/or a spouse.

We have all me people that we really fall "head over heels for" but for whom the feeling is just not reciprocal. You are "beating a dead horse" by going on.

4)  Needy people will drag you down.  Avoid them.  Avoid being one of them. Get a therapist. Spend your money on fixing yourself before you try to "get fixed up" with someone else. 

5) Do not get involved with a straight person. Straight people sometimes want to know "what it is" to be gay so they "try" it out. Mark my words. They always go back to the straight life. They will break your heart.

I still suspect that this is true.  However, the question of what a straight person is comes up.  So many men and women marry and have children at an early age because it is the thing to do.  Then before they can catch their breath after their children are teenagers or beyond, they suddenly realize that they are not happy.    Some are unhappy because they are no longer in love with their spouses.  Others are unhappy because they realize that they never were.   And I suspect some are just happy but rejected by their spouses.

And so it begins, the new evaluation of ones self.  Who am I? What do I want?   And sometimes these people fall in love with the same sex.  Really in love!    Is this person straight and then suddenly gay?  Or is this person truly bisexual?  Or was the person always gay and then realized it later in life?  And does it matter? 

I think that the real question is can the person behave in a mature manner dealing with their current responsibilities and still offer themselves in a committed way to someone new regardless of gender?  If so, then go for it!

And can you accept, with patience, the patently difficult times ahead?  especially if there are children?  Can you deal with the back lash of disapproval that is bound to be heaped on you by their family? (It is all your fault he/she has turned gay!)

Just a few things to think about.

6) Drugs are usually the ruination of any relationship.(Excessive use)

7) While sex is not everything, your relationship can not last without it in some form otherwise you are just friends. 
There are many forms of sex.  I was talking to a friend who said kissing was not sex but a therapist said lots of things are sex.  Our president had an interesting view of what sex was.  I can tell you that having been with a person who was sick and unable to have what most call orgasmic sex, one can still have a sexual relationship.  Touching, kissing, hugging in different forms are all sexual.  

8) Since sex is not everything, your relationship can not evolve without some other kinds of mutual interests. 
But then if you do not care if it evolves...

9) Learn all you can about the other persons prior relationships. A person in their mid thirties or forties who has never been able to stay in a relationship for any length of time may never be able to stay in one.

Some people who have been in lengthy relationships and tried new relationships may have reached a point in which they do not want to try any more to have a relationship with anyone.  They have given up.  You may have to back off from this person.

10) Find who did the breaking up in the other person's relationships. A person who has had a long string of relationships in which either they were always dumped or they always did the dumping is a red flag. They may need counseling or be unable to maintain a commitment. Either way there will be a lot of "baggage" to deal with.

11) The person you are dating should have a job. Check this out first. 
If the person has a habit of going from one job to another this may be a warning sign that they can not get along with the employer or other people.

12) The person you are dating should have an education commensurate with yours.  
Or the person should not resent your having a higher education.  
Or the person should not put you down for having a lesser education. 
The fact is that this issue is one that comes up in many fights when one or the other starts slinging "arrows".

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Holy Union

When you finally find the right person, you will certainly want to share your joy with your family and friends. You will want to follow the religious beliefs with which you were raised and have an appropriate ceremony.

This is a major step in your life and not one to be entered lightly. The straight world has made a mockery of marriage in that so many marry and divorce and marry and divorce. It has become quite common for gay relationships to end in a similar manner.

Therefore, it is recommended that you know one another for at least a year and preferably 2. (For that matter, we also tend to move in together entirely too fast. Most gay couples only know one another 1 month before we move in together. Is that smart? You really need to know one another at least 6 months or more.)

The simple truth is that human nature is such that we tend to be deceptive in some ways in the beginning of a relationship. We put our best foot forward and then, when we begin to relax, we slip into our natural selves. The other person falls for that "perfect you" and finds 3 years later that you just could not maintain that perfection. We just tend to give the other person what they want to get a pay off- their attention.

So this matter of Holy Union is a serious matter. Here we promise to love and cherish always and forever no matter what. This is not a choice that I would recommend for young people. These are promises that will be very difficult to keep if made before the person is mature. This is because we look for different kinds of relationships and place value on different kinds of things as we grow up and older. Finding the person who will grow with you and in the same direction is easier the more mature you and your partner are.

Your promise is before friends and family(If any of your family has love enough in their hearts to be there for you.) The promise is also before God. If you have a ceremony in the MCC church then you will have a church ceremony. There are some Rabbis and Priests who will perform a holy union for you. There are a few other churches that do the same.

So under what circumstances is the union void. I like what Dr Laura said. She called it the 3 A's.

Abuse, continued and sustained, either verbal or physical.

Addiction, to drugs or alcohol.

Adultery-cheating on your spouse.

And I will add another:

Deceit: If this union was joined with one of the parties having lied and deceived the other, then the union is null and void.

Let those whom God has joined together let no man set asunder. Therefore, those friends who would undermine your relationship from the beginning or those who would seek to divide you in any way are NOT your friends.

You will need to seek wholesome relationships as friends. You will need to devote your energies toward one another.

So go forth and rejoice.

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Legal Issues

 

Some legal issues that are particular to the gay community may be obvious. One would be that the very expression of ones gay behavior may be illegal in most states. This is obvious to anyone and would explain why so few gay and lesbian persons are willing to talk to straight persons or "out" themselves. Would you want to go to jail?

In more recent years, however, some of the genuine concerns of the gay community have become more public. These issues surround the following:

Legal Power of Attorney:

No gay couple should be without some legal method to protect their financial rights together. If you do not have this and should you become sick, a family member can come right in and take over for you excluding your partner.

Health Care Power of Attorney

Every gay couple should have this in writing so that, should you become unable to make a medical decision, your partner would be able to make it for you. You should have discussed your wants and desires completely and shared this with your doctor.

Legal Will

Couples may contribute to the building of a home together. Quite often purchases are made in one name or the other. If you want to be sure that your partner would retain possession of your property, should you die suddenly, then you need a legal will.

Child Custody

Some persons have married and had children. They divorce and "discover" that they are gay or lesbian. Please be aware that custody will normally be awarded to the female. However, a case may be made that the mother or father is unfit if they are gay. This would NOT be an issue if the party were to declare that there would not be any persons sleeping over when the children were present. Please be aware that a straight father whose child visited on the weekends should be held to the same scrutiny. Interestingly, for some reason, most of our society thinks that being gay is only about sexuality. This shows you how little they understand about our community and our relationships.

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Family Matters

In family matters, we must each make our own path. No one could or should tell you how to handle your own family. If you have struggled with your gayness as most of us do, then it has been difficult for you to accept. In fact, you may have denied and denied that you were gay not really accepting it yourself. This does not mean that you should feel ashamed for being gay.That is what PRIDE is about.

Even so, you must realize that if it has been difficult for you, then it would and will be difficult for them. I believe that I have a story that illustrates this point.

She had been in a relationship in high school always pretending that it was a person of the opposite sex. Later, in college she met the person with whom she was to remain for the next 20 years. The relationship was heated for a few years but then it dwindled until they were intimate friends but not lovers. For the first several years, they had rented a house but after several years, they moved into her mother's home and lived in the upstairs. They never talked about their relationship. They never could even admit that they were lesbians. She had always been so outgoing and her lover had been quiet and retiring. There were some gay bars nearby but they were frequented by males or so it seemed.

Finally after nearly 20 years, they learned about a female bar. They went there each looking for a new relationship. Her lover began staying at the bar every night and closing the bar. This was different but after all these years, it was not too surprising. One night, as she was sitting in the den with her mother, the question of where her "friend" was came up. "Oh, she is out with friends." she said. They sat silent for a moment, rocking in the old lazy boys watching television. Her mother said, "Is she gay?" The daughter still rocking responded "Could be." The mother then asked "Are you gay?" She replied, "Could be." At this, her mother said, "I have thought but never asked. I thought that you might need a friend to talk to about things now and I want to be there for you."

Now this break-through was the beginning of a transition into a wholesome and healthy relationship with her mother. This was a situation in which the daughter feared losing the love of a parent and at the same time respected the conditions of society at the time.

You may feel that blasting your parents with an announcement that you are gay is the only way to handle it. However, I think that it is best to think it through a little bit more. There is no need to bring these things up unless you think it will improve your relationship with them. Parents do not understand what you are feeling. They only know what society and their churches tell them to think about homosexuality. Sure you are angry. No it should not be that way but it is.

So you are bound and determined to do it anyway. Then be certain that you have finished school and have a job and a place to live. This is because you must be prepared for your parent to reject you. It is a rare family that can handle this easily.

They will think that they did something wrong or that you are going through a faze or that someone abused you or that you have just had a bad relationship or that all you need to do is get a good lay by a person of the opposite sex.

When a parent learns about his child's homosexuality, the parent goes through the same stages that a parent goes through in grieving for a lost child. The parent goes through denial and then anger and so on. You must allow this to happen with love in you heart because at the end of it all, if they ever really loved you, they will still love you. But this time you will be their new child, a homosexual child.

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RELIGION

It is not for me to teach or argue the fine points of religion. In fact, it seems that just about everyone thinks that they should be able to pick up a religious document and begin interpreting it with no education at all. These are the same people who would not think of performing surgery on their bodies themselves but feel certain that they should be able to perform surgery on their own souls and any one else's souls. Oh, spare me!

I include some references for those seeking knowledge both gay and straight. However, over the years I have gained some insights that I will share. Take them as you will.

The Bible is the story of God's revelations to mankind. God's nature is revealed though the Mosaic law, the prophets and finally in the New Testament through Jesus Christ. In the Old Testament, God is portrayed as having a vengeful, eye for an eye approach to mankind. In the New Testament, God is revealed as, quite the contrary, a loving compassionate God who will sacrifice His only Son to give humankind redemption and life.

The two different views of God are seemingly in conflict. Given that God never changes, it would appear not to be the error of God but rather the error of man. We tend to size everything up according to our own weaknesses.It can be argued many ways but personally I think that God is bigger, grander and more loving than anything we could ever in our humanness imagine. And so perhaps we need to follow the loving way.

You may feel that perhaps homosexuals will be damned forever. God only knows we have heard that enough. And many of our people have left your churches because of it. Some remain steadfast in spite of you.

Most of us never chose to be born gay. No rational person would have chosen to be viewed as deviant, anti-social, and damned to hell. Oh some people do, but I, personally, do not, for the life of me, understand why. It is equally unlikely that God, who created us all, would create a creature without a purpose.

Some people think that perhaps we were born gay but that it is immoral to act out our natural(and believe me it is natural for us) responses to those with whom we fall in love. Really, get a grip! Reverse the situation in your mind. Are you married? Imagine a community in which your marriage was forbidden. Do you pursue this relationship with your spouse? Could you not?

I believe that God wants us all to be moral and loving persons. I believe that you can do that AND be gay. I believe that the traditions of marriage and family apply to gay relationships with the same approach in love, respect, integrity, and honesty that are required of all couples.

And it may just be that a purpose that we serve in this life is to help the straight community, who rejects us, to grow and learn yet even more about God and inclusiveness.

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Growing Old

It happens to everyone sooner or later. We all grow old. We begin to loose our faculties and need some kind of assistance. Most people used to think that their children would be there for them and years ago they were. Those were the days of the extended family. Now this is not so true any more.

Whether gay or lesbian, you will need to plan for your old age without expecting any assistance from anyone. This may not extend to your spouse but it generally extends to mostly everyone else. That means that you need to plan to have a good savings plan and investments for the future when you are no longer able to earn a living. Of course, this is true of straight people as well.

There are other issues as well. These involve a kind of nurturing that we humans need that we know as care and compassion. Many straight people think that this will come naturally from their children but some are bitterly disappointed. I could quote the "bread cast upon the waters" thing but you know by now that the love that you share and give away has a remarkable way of coming back to you.

Be a good and loving and compassionate person. This takes a lot of work. It means going to see the sick and dying now. It means taking an interest in the needs of others now. It means supporting our own charities. Aids, Women's issues, etc. You will be surprised how much joy you will have in your life if you spend it thinking of others. You will just not have time to dwell on your own problems.

When you are unable to go out and give as you have in the past, you will still be able to answer the phone or fold papers for circulars. There will always be something for you to do.

And when the time comes, and you are ready to breathe your last, you will just be moved to another level somewhere out there where you and I will be free at last.

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