AGE4.gif (1271 bytes)

 

Someone requested a commentary on age differences. There are no real moral or ethical implications of dating a person older or younger than yourself. Most people do find an attraction to someone a few years older or younger. So one must assume that we are talking of grossly differing age differences. These would be age differences of 10, 20, or 30 years.

The first thing that needs to be determined is if there is an unhealthy reason for not choosing a person of ones similar age. This would be true of the predatory adult who needs to control and manipulate another person and therefore seeks a weaker type of person who sometimes is also younger. This type of predatory person is dangerous and may be violent.

Now, having said that I must say that my own mother married a man 10 years her senior and was quite happy. She was widowed at 51 though. And an older friend of mine married a man 20 years her senior and she was very happy! So it can work.

What do you need to think about in such a situation? Well, most of the time the older person will miss having a person to share generational things(like songs that were popular when they were 15 etc.). The two people need to be certain that they have common interests and goals. This is very important.

I have known people who are almost like chameleons in their likes, interests and attitudes. These people will change all their views to match the person whom they are dating.

You want a person who can contribute to your life-not duplicate yours.

You never want to get involved in a rescue mission. This occurs when you want to show the person the world, or save them from something. If you want to help, help. Don't get INVOLVED. If you play rescuer, you will generally end up the victim.

You want to be certain that the person with whom you are getting involved shares a similar lifestyle. There are always adjustment problems in every relationship so don't get excited about every little problem. However, if one of you wants to go out every night and the other wants to stay home every night, neither will be happy. You may find a compromise. The question is " How long will the compromise last?"

If you are bound and determined to have this relationship work and the other party is just as determined as you, then you can make it work. The most important thing is being realistic and reasonable.

Return to Home Page
Links:
Knowing if and when to get married
This is amed at straight couples but I think most of the commentary about necessary ingredients is helpful.
May-December Romance Responses to a forum about their experiences. How about age differences in Fiction-Jane Eyre A Study on Lesbian Battering
If you are into Psychology
"Certainly one measure of power inequality in marital relationships is the age difference of spouses. Over the course of this century, as female rights have increased the age advantage of husbands over wives has declined from roughly 4 years to 2. According to the 1994 NORC General Social Survey, wives are older than their husbands in 17.5% of American couples and equal in age in an additional 13.4%. The more education the wife has the more likely she will be the same age or older than her spouse, from 21% of those without a high school diploma to 37% of those with at least some post-secondary education. " From Sociology of the Family