If you have an upset stomach, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Or, shag is good.

Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off, and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quickk nip on the ankles.

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

If one person is busy and the otheer is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can like across the book itself.

When someone is knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what the knitter calls a dropped stitch. The knitter will try to distract you. Ignore it.

When someone is doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table - pens, pencils, stamps - one at a time.

Get enough sleep during the day so that you are fresh for playing between 2 and 4 a.m.

--Author Unknown

There's No Place Like Home